Topical Chat, August 30, 2006

What are Joe Theismann and Michael Irvin still doing on TV?

1. On fans who checked out the first motorsports event at Cardinals Stadium last weekend (a monster truck show) saying the show was delayed by more than an hour, had poor sound quality and offered fewer fireworks than promised:
“You think that’s bad, you should’ve seen some of the negative reviews.”

2. On a council member who used a website anonymously to praise the work he has done:
“If nobody else is saying nice things about you, sometimes you have to get creative.”

3. On a high school in Louisiana that had to forfeit its football title because it illegally recruited Hurricane Katrina evacuees:
“The coach was immediately offered a coaching position by Bobby Bowden.”

4. On two brothers who were arrested for disorderly conduct after three police officers responded throughout the afternoon to their drunken brawls at four different locations:
“If at first you don’t succeed…”

5. On the Swiss Hiking Federation laying down a few ground rules – specifically, no hugging of Swiss cows:
“The cows found this guideline ‘udderly a-moo-sing.’”

6. On the high school class of 2006 recording the sharpest drop in SAT scores in 31 years:
“As Ralphie Wiggums says, ‘Me fail English? That’s unpossible!’”

7. On a woman who was chased by a fellow employee holding a sausage through the zipper of his pant:
“It was later discovered that the sausage was really only a cocktail weenie.”

8. On a new Lowe's home-improvement store that was cited by town board for code violations, design flaws and shoddy construction:
“This is about as ‘Lowe’ as it gets … ba-da-bing!”