Topical Chat, August 6-7, 2006

It’s good to be back … o.k., that’s a lie. I could see myself vacationing for the rest of my life. That would be cool.

1. On General Motors announcing that they are bringing back the Camaro in 2008:
“Word is that the promotion includes a free six-pack of Budweiser, and mullet haircut.”

2. On a new anti-speeding device that shames violating drivers by openly displaying their license plate numbers being installed across Britain's roadways:
“If that doesn’t work, anyone caught speeding will be required to get a Margaret Thatcher tattoo.”

3. On Iron City Beer Brewery threatening to move it’s brewery out of Pittsburgh and to another state if employee concessions are not made:
“I’m assuming that the employee concessions include a requirement to urinate at a 20% greater volume in order to raise beer production.”

4. On a minor-league basketball team in Buffalo getting criticized because some people have said that their nickname “Silverbacks” is racially insensitive (even though the coaches, players, and management agreed on the name):
“I am just such a big fan of political over-correctness. I can’t wait until the Washington Redskins have to change their names to something less offensive, like the Washington Red-Shins.”

5. On a New York teen who sent a threatening letter to police, that unfortunately included his mailing address:“I’m just shocked that this kid actually knew how to write.”

6. On a death-row inmate in Scotland who is complaining that he only gets 9 tv channels and they all stink:“He also complained that the black-and-white striped kilts made his legs look fat.”

7. On a German scientist who has been testing an "anti-stupidity" pill with encouraging results on mice and fruit flies:“The scientist is hoping to be able to test these pills on members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives, in order to see if the drug is potent enough.”

8. On a record company that has released lullaby renditions of Metallica Songs:
“Additionally, Sesame Street is considering introducing some drug dealer and pimp muppets to ‘shake things up.’”