Topical Chat, August 9, 2006

It’s only August, and I’m already hearing news reports about the try-outs for the next American Idol – I will now stick my head in a blender.

1. On a mumbling caller that dialed a wrong number and left a panicked German bank employee convinced that a bomb was on its way by express delivery:
“J-J-J-J-a….z-z-z-i-s-s-s…i-z-z-z-z….a b-b-b-b-bomb…th-th-th-th-th….ach, nevermind.”

2. On the Dickies work pants company coming up with a pants design that will eliminate plumbers crack:
“Great, looks like that’ll put an end to all of those Penthouse Letters that I love reading.”

3. On a judge who ordered a blood-alcohol test for a defense lawyer whom she said smelled of alcohol, then declared a mistrial after declaring him too tipsy to argue a kidnapping case:
“*Burp*, your honor….permission to urinate on the bench…hey, *burp*, you’r kinda cute!”

4. On a woman who fell through the floor of an old house in the Estonian capital Tallinn while having sex having to be pulled out of the basement by rescuers using a fire-fighter's ladder:
“Not sure if bumpin’ Uglies is covered by homeowners insurance.”

5. On a 19-year-old Oregon motorcyclist with only a learner's permit who was caught speeding 129 mph, claiming that he was looking for his wallet:
“You see officer, the wallet must’ve fallen out when I was doing 160.”

6. On Family Circle magazine set to close after 42 years, with publisher IPC citing declining sales for the title's demise:
“Considering that more than 50% of marriages end up in divorce in this country, maybe they should’ve renamed the magazine ‘Estranged-Family Circle.’”

7. On Thai cultural watchdogs banning a line of condoms whose name translates as "Good Penetration", saying the suggestive label could draw youngsters into having sex earlier:
“Good thing they didn’t ban those Scooby Doo-it condoms.”


8. On Cobb County, GA Police dismissing an entire class of 20 recruits yesterday after they were accused of cheating on a test at the police academy:
“The Big Bossman was unavailable for comment.”