Topical Chat, April 4, 2006

Sorry about no post yesterday – it was my wife’s birthday, and we spent it the most romantic way possible … by losing money gambling in Atlantic City.

1. On a girl in Montana who won the state spelling bee after 41 rounds:
“When asked how relieved she was after the bee, she claimed she could best spell it R-O-L-A-I-D-S.”

2. On lawmakers in northwestern Pakistan approving a law banning kite flying for reasons of public safety:
“This was piggybacked with a law banning public thinking.”

3. On Amazon.com jumping the gun on the NCAA tournament champion, declaring UCLA the 'winner:'
“On a related note, Amazon has decided to pull the winners of the 2006 Arena Bowl, World Series, Wimbeldon, and Nextel Cup off of their site.”

4. On a police officer named Valentine (from New York), who has been charged with hacking into the e-mail account of a woman he met through an online dating service and posing as her in messages sent to himself and to other men:
“Hi, this is ‘Melissa.’ Do you think this holster makes my hips look too big?”

5. On the hip-hop culture starting a new trend - grills and fronts removable mouthpieces made of gold, platinum or silver and sometimes studded with jewels:
“I remember when acid washed jeans and Air Jordans were all the craze. Things have changed just a little bit.”

6. On a municipal judge who has accepted censure as punishment for mocking an assault victim by comparing him to a lying character on Saturday Night Live:
“Good thing he didn’t compare the victim to any politicians. He may have been sentenced to death.”

7. On a softball coach in California being sued because he was belittling his players, calling some of them idiots:
“This really pisses me off. This is why little league games can only end in ties now, because of parents who want their kids to compete, but don’t want them to lose. I’m sick of this. If you don’t want your kid criticized, home school the sumbitch, and don’t let him/her play sports.”

8. On a man in Maine who built his entire house out of concrete – including some structures inside the house:“Think of the new ‘number 2’ possibilities – ‘Hey Bob, can I use your bathroom, I gotta unload some concrete.’”