Topical Chat, March 15, 2006

70 degrees, 30 degrees. These temperatures are fluctuating more than Oprah’s weight (hey-o!).

1. On federal authorities, who were investigating a man who smuggled money into the country, finding 250 counterfeit bank notes in billion-dollar denominations:
“I guess if you’re gonna counterfeit money, why not try the biggest denomination you can think of.”

2. On the winner of the Miss Blind Texas pageant getting hit by a train:
“The good news is she is no longer deaf.”

3. On school officials on Tuesday in Kentucky firing a middle school teacher who was charged with biting a student who would not spit out a piece of candy:
“The teacher was immediately hired by the WWE.”

4. On a woman in California, who is finally off of probation … after 40 years (she was officially on it for 20 years, but should’ve been taken off, but was mistakenly left on):
“Do they have Hallmark cards for this?”

5. On a 20-year-old man, who awoke after a party to find himself covered in syrup and dry oatmeal, facing a criminal charge after authorities say he turned a gun on the man who admitted pulling the prank:
“Thank goodness that teacher from Kentucky wasn’t around.”

6. On a man in Pittsburgh who claims he was denied his First Amendment free speech rights when he was cited for giving an obscene hand gesture to a construction worker in April:
“I’m just wondering what is considered obscene to construction workers.”

7. On a woman in Hawaii who grew the world's heaviest mango (according to the Guinness Book of World Records) at Five Pounds, Seven Ounces:
“If you were her neighbor, would you tell her that she has nice mangos? If so, would you snicker afterwards?”

8. On two people who were cleaning a vacant house finding a couple of live hand grenades in a closet:“Talkin’ about takin’ extreme measures to get rid of termites, Geesh!”