Topical Chat, March 1, 2006

Nope, didn’t win the New Jersey Powerball … so you thankfully have another blog entry.

1. On the city of Beijing launching a campaign to stamp out widespread public spitting in an effort to clean up its image for the 2008 Olympics:
“Ummmm…..I’m guessing spitting probably doesn’t affect the image of Beijing nearly as much as that pesky Tiananmen Square ‘incident’ that took place a few decades ago.”

2. On Barry Bonds dressing up as Abdul to judge the San Francisco Giants spin-off of the hit Fox show "American Idol:”
“Maybe if they would’ve dressed Bonds up as Mr. Ed, or maybe Mr. Hanky, it would’ve been more believable.”

3. On a 12-year-old visitor to the Detroit Institute of Arts sticking a wad of gum to a $1.5 million painting, leaving a stain the size of a quarter:
“Which, ironically, is what the painting is now worth. It really is a ‘sticky’ situation.”

4. On the president and director of a Colorado-based adult entertainment company running for the school board of a suburban St. Louis district:
“If this person wins, I’d be envious of the students who have sex ed class.”

5. On a massive middle school food fight in Indiana leaving several students suspended and the eighth-grade class footing the cleaning bill that included the cost of scraping mashed potatoes off the ceiling:
“It’s either this or tipping cows, I guess.”

6. On a woman in Tennessee who pleaded guilty Monday to attempted murder charges for trying to hire a hit man to rob and kill four men for what she thought was cocaine, but turned out to be cheese:
“That lady must’ve been some sort of a ‘Muenster.’”

7. On a Baton Rouge hospital forcing its employees to take DNA tests to find out who put urine in another employee’s lunchbox as a prank:
“Hey, this doesn’t taste like lemonade …. O.K., who’s the wise-guy?”

8. On yesterday being International Pancake Day:
“Some women who didn’t make the correct connection, showed up at various plastic surgeons’ offices, looking for free breast augmentation.”