Topical Chat, February 27, 2006

Just wanted to send a birthday shout-out to a woman who has been the recipient of most of my torment over the years – my mom.

1. On the death of Don Knotts:
“I was shocked that he was only 81 – he looked 81 when he was on Three’s Company.”

2. On ‘Psycho Path’ being voted the wackiest street name, followed by ‘Divorce Court’ and ‘Farfrompoopen Road:’
“First, how did these streets get these names? Are they all located in California? Also, who votes on this ‘award?’”

3. On a bathroom supply company sponsoring an online poll aimed at finding America's best bathroom (one of the finalists is the bathrooms in the Borgata):
“As many of you know, good bathrooms are important to me – I need bathrooms with sufficient privacy and cleanliness … two traits that my current company apparently don’t value as much as I do.”

4. On 150 people gathering in Nashville for the Grand National Wild Turkey Calling Contest:
“During the contest, Kevin Federline showed up, because he thought he heard some people calling him.”

5. On New Hampshire lawmakers abhorring the new border signs telling visitors: 'You're Going to Love It Here:'
“They wanted something that was more truthful, like ‘New Hampshire, You’re Looking At It.’”

6. On a woman in Pittsburgh who was trying to cheat on a drug test – she asked a store clerk to microwave a prosthetic penis device filled with urine:
“The clerk swore that the smell was very similar to the smell of the store’s hot dogs.”

7. On a streaker with a strategically placed rubber chicken who ran across the ice in an Olympic curling match:
“Olympic officials were contemplating letting this streaker go to other events in order to stir up interest.”

8. On a man getting busted for trying to mail weed without putting a recipient’s address on the envelope, and putting his own return address on it:
“Bill Walton was unavailable for comment.”