Topical Chat, March 31, 2006

So, MLB is going to investigate the Barry Bonds/Steroids issue. Why do I have the feeling that this will be about as successfull as the Warren Commission investigation of the Kennedy assassination?

1. On Philadelphia plumbers being upset by plans for waterless urinals at an environmentally friendly building:
“Screw the environment … as long as I get paid.”

2. On a West Virginia town commemorating weight loss by 27 residents by preparing and eating a 500-pound salad:
“The croutons had to be air-lifted.”

3. On a man who crashed his car after a pet snake he had wrapped around his neck began attacking him:
“His next trick will be juggling loaded guns while driving.”

4. On a police chase in Abilene, Texas, of a suspected carjacker ending abruptly when the suspect took a turn into a Burger King drive-thru:”Car chases can really build an appetite.”

5. On a Florida judge who had eleven people arrested for accidentally going to the wrong courtroom (they were directed to the wrong place by deputies or faulty paperwork):
“He then proceeded to kick a puppy as he left the courtroom.”

6. On San Francisco city officials considering expanding the use of surveillance cameras to catch litterbugs and vandals:
“Taxpayers must be pleased by this.”

7. On more than 10,000 jars of L'Oreal RevitaLift face cream being from a factory in eastern France:
“The going must be getting tough in France. Police are looking to narrow their search down to just ugly suspects, however this only narrows the pool down to about 25 million.”

8. On lawmakers in Illinois considering a measure that would allow working girls to sue their pimps or customers who attack them:“They are also looking to add a measure in which drug pushers can sue their accountants for illegal accounting.”