Topical Chat, November 7, 2005

Way to go, JoePa! One more win, and we go to a bowl game against possibly Notre Dame or maybe even USC (its ok to keep dreaming).

1. On a presidential candidate who says he will give a cow to every Sri Lankan home if elected:
“His opponent only offered sex with his wife.”

2. On a Hong Kong thief who stole 70 Top-Quality Hairy Crabs, and left behind 600 cheaper crabs:
“Sounds like some sort of sexually transmitted disease. ‘I gave a Hong Kong thief hairy crabs.’”

3. On the Hanna High School basketball team in Oklahoma losing a basketball game, 112-2:
“I bet the guy that scored the two points will probably get laid … if he can find the hole.”

4. On the hunt for the Loch Ness Monster … in China:
“This sounds like the beginning of a Polish joke.”

5. On a judge who is aiming to prevent dead voters in N.J.:
“I’m sorry, you zombies and vampires will not be allowed to vote this year.”

6. On Las Vegas mayor, Oscar Goodman, suggesting cutting off thumbs of graffiti artists:
“You should see what he suggested for J-walking.”

7. On a jury rules against a woman who glued a man's genitals to his abdomen, ordering that she must pay him $46,200:
“How does a jury come up with a dollar amount for this one? Makes me think that a precedent was previously set.”

8. On stage actress Sutton Foster breaking her arm rehearsing a song called, 'I'm an Accident Waiting to Happen:'
“In addition to never performing this song again, she has also decided never perform the following songs: ‘Say Yes to Anal,’ ‘Being a Christian in the Middle East,’ and ‘Having Unprotected Sex in Haiti.’