Topical Chat, June 29, 2005
Hump-day once again...hopefully WMMR will bring back Gonzo Friday someday soon, so I can take my Hawaiian shirts out of the closet and put them to good use once again. On a serious note, here are some more headlines:
1. On the WalMart heir dying in a plane crash:
"Even though this is a sad event, WalMart is probably putting some sort of ad campaign regarding prices falling faster than light-weight airplanes."
2. On psychiatrists criticizing Tom Cruise's comments regarding psychiatry being a pseudo science:
"First, why are they bothering to even comment on Tom Cruise - does anybody take him seriously? Second, they probably would like to prescribe some sort of anti-depressant along with sending some people in white suits to 'contain' him."
3. On an Irish man failing to set a world record for bees being on him:
"Being rather fearful of bees, I can't understand the 'motivation' to set a world record in this department. How about something more useful, like setting a world record for the number of beers consumed in an hour."
4. On a new German beer that claims to be an anti-aging tonic:
"This has the potential to be the greatest invention of all time."
5. On Paula Abdul urgin for stronger nail salon standards:
"Leave it to Paula to tackle important issues of our time."
6. On a revelation by scientists who claim that they were able to put a dog to sleep, drain the blood and replace it with icy saline, and then three hours later, put the blood back in the dog and "jump start" it back to life without any brain damage:
"It's always good when science fiction becomes non-fiction. I don't see any potential negatives to this at all."
7. On the proposed changes for the Miss America concert that include airing it on the Country Music Channel and moving it to Nashville:
"I also hear that they are replacing the swimsuit competition with a cow-milking competition."
8. On actress Jennifer Tilley winning a bracelet at the World Series of Poker:
"Do you think Ben Affleck is kicking himself at this moment? I think it was his goal to be the best celebrity poker player (even though he is rapidly descending to B-List celebrity), and now he's not even the best in this? Maybe he'll take up celebrity rodeo.
posted by Los @ 9:49 AM
2 guys/gals who rule
2 Comments:
Unser Weaselheim, meiner vaterland!
1. On the WalMart heir dying in a plane crash:
"Sale on coffins and headstones! 2 days only!"
2. On psychiatrists criticizing Tom Cruise's comments regarding psychiatry being a pseudo science:
"The mind is a terrible thing to taste. And actors should stick to acting and shut the hell up."
3. On an Irish man failing to set a world record for bees being on him:
"I got nothing."
4. On a new German beer that claims to be an anti-aging tonic:
"Agreed! Get wasted and stay young! Woooohooooo! Now all they need to do to make it the perfect invention is to make it so the beer doesn't cause hangovers."
5. On Paula Abdul urgin for stronger nail salon standards:
"Yeah, she can shut the hell up too."
6. On a revelation by scientists who claim that they were able to put a dog to sleep, drain the blood and replace it with icy saline, and then three hours later, put the blood back in the dog and "jump start" it back to life without any brain damage:
"DOOM! Finally, I'll be able to get my army of dead-undead Chihuahuas to take over the planet! Mwahahahahahahahhaaaaa. Glad I bought that 'Zombie Food' t-shirt, seems armegeddon is around the corner."
7. On the proposed changes for the Miss America concert that include airing it on the Country Music Channel and moving it to Nashville:
"No, they're replacing the swimsuit competition with the 'How well can you slop the pigs?' competition."
8. On actress Jennifer Tilley winning a bracelet at the World Series of Poker:
"Um, good for her? (psssst, I got nothing)"
1. I'm guessing that this plane was built by Walmart- since all their stuff is cheap and breaks as well.
2. Unfortunately, none of this matters as his movie will still be #1 when it opens, and he can continue on with his phony religion as the money keeps rolling in. Random fact: Lisa Marie Presley is a scientologist.
3. Maybe this Irishman should set the world record for swallowing nickels?
4. This beer must pass the German Purity test first. I'd just start brewing the beer over here if that's a real problem.
5. Paula should instead be urging for better talent on her show.
7. Qualifications also include having at least 3 of your front teeth knocked out. Pigtails and plaid are a must.
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