Topical Chat, May 12, 2005
Thank goodness it is almost Friday! Some really "interesting" news stories this week:
1. On Jesus Christ not being able to get his driver's license in Virginia:
"I guess the title of 'Messiah' doesn't go very far these days."
2. On Tony Danza's close call with a go-kart:
"The lengths Tony Danza will go to in order to remind everyone that he's still alive."
3. On a pizza delivery that ends a prison hostage standoff:
"I'm assuming that they got the stuffed-crust pizza. That'll solve all problems."
4. On a chimp's paintings being auctioned off in London:
"It's not any dummer than an 'image' of Mary Magdalen on a slice of toast being auctioned on Ebay."
5. On an ice-cream vendor punching a complaining child:
"This guy might want to think about a career change.....for numerous reasons."
6. On U.S. scientistts creating self-replicating robots:
"From the 'this seemed like a good idea at the time' department."
7. On the Guiness Book of World Records for body piercing record of 774 being broken with a new record of 2,005:
"From the 'I'm not sure which record I want to break, so I'll pick one at random' department."
8. On a service that helps dog owners interpret barks:
"And I thought I was an idiot for buying a microwave oven from QVC."
posted by Los @ 4:33 PM
5 guys/gals who rule
5 Comments:
1. On Jesus Christ being unable to get his driver's license in VA:
a. Good thing, since He died nearly 2000 years ago. Hopefully those who died 3.5 years ago (aka Mohammad Atta) can't get licenses either.
b. He did vote in Philadelphia last fall.
c. Too bad the not-recently deceased are cluttering up the roads in THIS state.
2. On Tony Danza's close call with a go-kart:
Wasn't that the pilot for his new show?
3. On pizza delivery ending a prison hostage standoff:
Nice work, Tony. Now it's time to revive your acting career.
4. On a chimp's paintings being auctioned off in London:
a. A friend told me it's art if "some curator is dumb enough to pay money to hang it on his wall."
b. A few years ago, Dave Barry wrote at length about a London art exhibit featuring a light switch (!).
c. Dave Barry also posted online a picture of "art" consisting of an easy chair so dilapidated that rats threw it back out of the dumpster. Well worth finding that photo.
5. On an ice-cream vendor punching a complaining child:
Tony, hurry up and re-start your acting career before your stunt double lands in prison.
6. On U.S. scientistts creating self-replicating robots:
Good news for Karl: soon they'll develop "self-help" robots so it won't matter if he's so busy at work, he doesn't even have time for that.
7. On the Guiness Book of World Records for body piercing record of 774 being broken with a new record of 2,005:
a. In "Dave Barry Hits Below the Beltway," Dave made up a chart showing federal education dollars producing a sharp rise in "average American stupidity (in tattoos)."
b. 2005 piercings makes you just about unemployable for life. Which means our tax money effectively paid for all those piercings.
8. On a service that helps dog owners interpret barks:
Somebody test it on a porn flick where an actress is told to bark like a dog.
"And I thought I was an idiot for buying a microwave oven from QVC."
umm...QVC still hasn't sent you that damn conventional grill have they?
1. He can turn water into wine! He can walk on water! He can rise from the dead! (every 2000 years or so, it seems) He can command countless cattle to follow him! But he STILL can't drive you to the local shopping mall!
2. Man, those go-karts can be deadly instruments of deadly death!
I remember this one time, down in Lewes, DE, I was racing go-karts with my brother-in-law and my sister. I 'accidentally' ran over Tony Danza! Then I backed up and 'accidentally' ran over him again! (and again and again and again)
3. Mmmmmmm, stuffed crust.... with Pineapple! That's right, losers! I said pineapple! Hawai'ian pizza for the win!
4. Wasn't there also some painting done by an elephant being sold somewhere?
5. Lemme punch him back..... with a 2x4.
6. Doom! DOOM! dOOm! DoOm! dOoM! (I can't seem to get the inflection right today) - I just want some self-replicating Angelina Jolies.... *droool*
7. Ok, so this guy and a wrestler are gonna wrestle. The wrestler, before they even start, says "I win! See? He's already pinned!"
Get it??!!! He has 2000+ pins in him! Get it???? HAHAHAHAHahahaHAHahAHHAHAhahahaa
8. While the 'bark interpretation' is pretty dumb, you're still a full-blown idiot, Karl.
Full Blown idiot????? The microwave is also a conventional oven, AND it comes with a rotisserie grille, AND a breadmaker! Now who's the idiot? (DON'T ANSWER THAT!)
The microwave could be made of solid gold and come with a self-replenishing pot-o-gold, but it wouldn't matter cause you're never getting off the waiting list!!!!
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