Topical Chat, September 22, 2006

Please Joe-Pa, topple those Butt-Guys!


1. On a drunken Chinese migrant worker who jumped into a panda enclosure at the Beijing Zoo, was bitten by the bear and retaliated by chomping down on the animal's back:
“Hopefully, ABC picks up this sit-com idea, and drops ‘According to Jim’ once and for all.”

2. On a casino built in a part of Michigan where gambling is illegal:
“Looks like this casino crapped out.”

3. On a new drink that is 350% stronger than Red Bull, and is called Cocaine:
“I’m counting the days until somebody releases Liquid Heroine.”

4. On the words “plumber’s crack, bling, and beer pong” being added to the Oxford English Dictionary:
“Looks like my votes for Blumpkin and Dirty Sanchez fell upon deaf ears again.”

5. On a new show in the U.K. called Masturbation For Girls that features an 'orgasm coach' who teaches three ladies all her tricks, which they will demonstrate on live television:
“I’m guessing that this is marketed towards men?”

6. On a bill approved by the U.S. House yesterday that would require school districts around the country to establish policies making it easier for teachers and school officials to conduct wide scale searches of students - these searches could take the form of pat-downs, bag searches, or strip searches depending on how administrators interpret the law:
“Hey, that’s funny – isn’t this what the Catholic Church is trying to do as well, or at least the strip searches on those 'deliciously evil' children?”

7. On federal immigration agents surrounding a military housing construction site at sunrise Wednesday and arresting 120 illegal workers from Mexico and Central America within a mile of top-secret global surveillance and missile early-warning facilities:
“Looks like homeland security is really starting to take shape.”

8. On a man who filed a fake obituary of his girlfriend’s son, so that he could skip work:“I’m gonna step out on a limb here and say that this guy probably wasn’t accepted at Harvard.”

9. On Sonoma County authorities saying they've lost the computer that belonged to one-time JonBenet Ramsey murder suspect John Mark Karr and allegedly held the child pornography images that he's charged with possessing:
“In an unrelated story, Michael Jackson has a new computer.”

10. On a woman with a blood-alcohol-level of .44, passing out in broad daylight behind the wheel of a $50,000 BMW at an intersection – when police came, she apparently turned the windshield wipers on, sounded the horn and sprayed the cops with the windshield washer fluid, and then defecated on herself:
“You know that you’ve probably had too much to drink when …”