Topical Chat, September 11, 2006

Let’s all say a prayer for the people who lost loved ones 5 years ago.

1. On a man who destroyed his garage when trying to roast a bear:
“He ‘bear-ly’ made it out alive, himself.”

2. On a man who led the cops on a police chase through three towns … but stopped at every red-light:
“Good thing the cops didn’t jump out and arrest him at said traffic lights … who was chasing this guy, Barney Fife?”

3. On a man celebrating his 50th birthday by jumping out of a plane 640 times:
“Next time he vows to jump out of the plane when it is actually in the air.”

4. On a couple who was arrested for endangering an aircraft, after they were caught having sex in the restroom of the plane:”
“I guess they weren’t kidding when they named it the ‘cock-pit.’”

5. On a fleet footed suspect's escape attempt which was foiled when the man's baggy pants fell to his ankles and tripped him up:
“Note to self – when planning to commit a crime, please wear tight pants.”

6. On a child welfare group that is pushing for laws to ban parents from smacking their children after being shocked by the findings of a national survey (70% of people surveyed said they smacked their kids to discipline them):
“Hey, I agree with this group – giving them electrical shocks is a much better disciplinary method.”

7. On a woman and two roommates who are accused of holding her brother at gunpoint as she prayed for his repentance, even firing a shot into the ceiling to keep his attention:
“Accept the Lord as your father, or so help me God, I’ll fill you full of lead!”

8. On Penelope Cruz being proud of her fake butt in a recent movie:
“This is almost as priceless as Bea Arthur being happy with her fake vagina.”