Topical Chat, September 15, 2006

I’m going to an Oktoberfest tomorrow – it’s like Christmas for Germans.

1. On police in Scotland who hope to stop late-night singing, swearing and shouting outside pubs - by giving lollipops to drinkers when they leave:
“I think it would be easier just to play ‘Last Dance’ at the end of the night … or any song by the Carpenters.”

2. On a website that tells locals where to buy pot (in the Philadelphia area):
“And to think some people claim the internet doesn’t have any useful qualities at all.”

3. On a recent study that showed drinkers earn 10 to 14% more money at their jobs than nondrinkers:
“Because of this study, I’m contemplating asking my boss to make all Fridays ‘inebriation’ days.”

4. On Segway Inc., which is recalling all 23,500 of the self-balancing scooters it has shipped because of a software glitch that can make its wheels unexpectedly reverse direction, throwing off the rider:
“I’m more shocked that they’ve actually been able to sell 23,500 of these.”

5. On a woman who tried to “cure” her boyfriend’s drug problem by dousing him with gasoline and setting him on fire:
“I’m glad the guy didn’t have crabs.”

6. On a 14-pound, 13-ounce baby boy being born in Connecticut:
“Scientists are debating on whether this boy can be considered a dwarf planet.”

7. On a study that claims fans of hip hop music are likely to have had more sexual partners in the last five years while many of those who prefer classical strains will have tried cannabis:
“Finally, a legitimate reason to like hip-hop.”

8. On Nissan, which has decided to develop automobiles that will not start if drivers are drunk:
“Looks like area police forces will have to discontinue purchasing Nissans.”