Topical Chat, May 1, 2006

$3.00 a gallon for gas. Thank goodness I work in New Jersey.

1. On Stones’ Guitarist Keith Richards falling out of a palm tree in Fiji:
“He unsuccessfully tried to get the pink elephants off of his cloud.”

2. On the NFL draft taking place this past weekend:
“Is there another event that gets hyped up so much and then gives you two days of boredom? Hopefully, King of Queens stays on only one night a week.”

3. On a report in a Chinese newspaper that a Chinese businessman bought a fighter jet on EBay, and plans to use it to decorate his office:
“He got a tank for the basement.”

4. On a senior Chinese government adviser who criticized the country's "Super Girls" singing contest, an "American Idol"-style TV show, saying it wrongly preached the concept of instant riches and fame:
“Right. That’s the problem. It isn’t that shows like this are dreck that waters down the music industry. Way to wrongly critique, jackass.”

5. On a newspaper promotion for Tom Cruise's upcoming "Mission: Impossible III" getting off to an explosive start when a county arson squad blew up a news rack, thinking it contained a bomb:
“The arson squad was apparently given the wrong promotion – this summer’s bomb is actually ‘Snakes on an Airplane.’”

6. On a 62-year-old retired schoolteacher who is fighting with a cable company over a hefty bill (nearly $1,5000) for porn and gangsta rap programming she says she never ordered:
“Her 32-year-old perverted son was unavailable for comment.”

7. On thieves in Tennessee stealing a parked trailer containing $100,000 worth of Red Bull energy drinks:
“In an unrelated report, thousands of pigs in said state are reported pregnant, and the 7-Elevens report a Twinkies shortage.”

8. On a man from the Republic of Georgia (a country that used to be part of the Soviet Union) setting a new record by pulling two trucks with his ear:
“Mike Tyson was reported as saying he sure would like a crack at that ear.”