Topical Chat, April 21, 2006

It looks like it is shaping up to be a great weekend … if you are a large-mouthed bass. By the way, heckuva couple news days – there are 10 stories instead of the usual 8. Enjoy.

1. On Columbian police training rats to sniff out bombs and land mines:
“They should have no problem finding enough of these bomb sniffers in Columbia. Of course, some of the locals are upset that these rats may be taking jobs away from them.”

2. On the work by labs in the United States, the Netherlands, and Australia in which meat was grown in test tubes:
“Mmmmm, tube-meat. Sounds kinky.”

3. On a psychologist with the Arkansas Correction Department who was fired for allegedly having sex with an inmate:’
“How does it make you feel when we fornicate? Tell me, the first thing you think about when you ejaculate? What do my soiled panties remind you of?”

4. On a “bird-lady” in Los Angeles, who apparently hauls a 25-pound sack of bird feed around and feeds pigeons daily:
“Apparently, she is running against Schwarzenegger in the next Gubernatorial elections on the platform of ‘Pigeon-holing the Seedy.’”

5. On a teenager in Michigan who was sentenced to 56-days of boot camp for angering the judge (by repeatedly vandalizing the court room and stealing his gavel):
“The juvenile then proceeded to give the judge a wedgie.”

6. On a restaurant in Ohio winning the best restroom award (the Borgata finished in the top-five):
“Four-out-of-five crappers agree…”

7. On a German retiree flushing thousands of German Marks, wrongly believing the money was worthless:
“That way, it makes it easier to pay the plumber.”

8. On three eighth-graders who were expelled from an Alabama Middle School for showing a pornographic movie in their classroom while the teacher's back was turned:
“Look at that sexy sooheee-piggy. This is better than when my aunt mommy gets undressed.”

9. On a deputy sheriff from Harrisburg, who was suspended without pay for allegedly sending his neighbor a nude picture of himself and sending her messages saying he was naked in her yard:
“I now fully understand why Harrisburg was chosen as the capitol of Pennsylvania.”

10. On an 8-year-old boy in Modesto, California, who swiped his teacher's car keys and took her minivan for a joyride, cruising safely home and into the record books as the city's youngest auto thief:“When interviewed, he also said he was eager to break other records, such as the city’s youngest crack-head, the city’s youngest pimp, and the city’s youngest retiree.”