Topical Chat, June 30, 2006

I’ll try to post this weekend, but if I fail to, have a happy and safe 4th of July!

1. On the commander of the Utah Highway Patrol's drunken driving unit being cited for driving under the influence of alcohol after crashing his cruiser into a concrete barrier:
“In order to find these criminals, we have to think and act (burp) like these criminals … I gotta take a wicked piss right now.”

2. On a California man who had 1300 rats in his one-bedroom house (animal control found this when they came out to investigate a complaint):
“How the hell can he fit the entire United Nations in a one-bedroom house?”

3. On a prison inmate in Pakistan who woke up with a lightbulb stuck in his anus (had to be removed via operation):
“Sniff, sniff …. Does anybody else smell burnt hair?”

4. On a woman living in Germany auctioning off her red Ferrari Enzo sports car and including a little extra in the package — herself:
“Ah, the Ferrari, with the annoying b*tch option.”

5. On a man who tried to swap price tags at Walmart – the problem was that he tried putting a $70 price tag on a TV that was priced around $1400:
“Looks like we have a suitable replacement for Greenspan.”

6. On an inmate in Montgomery Alabama, who represented himself in a death penalty case and is now appealing his conviction, citing "ineffective counsel":
“Too bad he didn’t choke his lawyer.”

7. On one state in (Chihuahua) Mexico putting limits on children's names – they are enforcing strict rules on what parents can name their child, and even how his or her name is spelled:
“With some of the names I’ve seen in this country, this really isn’t such a bad idea.”

8. On a 71-year-old nun being arrested after spending $300,000 of church money on gifts, travel, and casinos:
“Guess how much money the church had left over … nun.”