Topical Chat, May 17, 2006

American Idol is down to its last three contestants. Personally, I’m pulling for all three to spontaneously combust.

1. On Paris Hilton mispronouncing the name of her new game at the E3 gaming convention/show:
“Apparently, the name of the game is not Paris Hilton’s Cum Dumpster.”

2. On a woman in Florida who escaped serious injury from a gunshot Sunday thanks to her seat belt and a thick bra strap:
“I hate those Masterlock bras!”

3. On an elderly dentist, who let a cat roam through his examination rooms, who has voluntarily surrendered his license:
“Too many customers complained that their breath smelled like pussy.” OR “Customers were complaining of hair balls.”

4. On a homeless Orange County man who allegedly licked the feet of five boys after promising to cast them in a television commercial, and has been charged with lewd conduct:
“The five boys are apparently rocket scientists.”

5. On a woman in Michigan who had a electric bill of $1,662.08, and paid all of it off except for 1 penny, but still had her power shut off:
“That probably explains why the electric company has a swastika in their logo.”

6. On a candidate from Virginia, who was denied the Democratic nomination to run for Congress, and who is also a psychotherapist who conducts nude group sessions, telling party leaders in an e-mail to kiss his rump:
“Apparently, this can be done at his nude group sessions.”

7. On a former East Detroit school board member, who was sentenced to one year in prison for his role in a bribery and embezzlement scandal, receiving a $175 engraved gold-plated watch this spring for his 20 years as a municipal firefighter:
“For a school board member, he was a helluva firefighter.”

8. On an Orange County man who bolted a 1974 black Lamborghini Countach to a wall inside his home:
“At least the guy isn’t flaunting the amount of money he has.”