Topical Chat, January 9, 2006

Saw one of my very close friends pop the question this weekend – way to go, Smokin’!

1. On a man who chose his girlfriend over Elvis (and sold off all of the memorabilia he collected to keep his girlfriend):
“When a girlfriend makes an ultimatum like this, maybe it’s better to get rid of the girlfriend.”

2. On a man in New Mexico who threw a mouse into a burning pile of leaves, only to have it run back into his house and set his house on fire:
“I wonder if his name is Earl Hickey?”

3. On two people in Colorado who were suspected of counterfeiting money, spending at least a week relieving themselves in plastic shopping bags, because the plumbing stopped working in their apartment when they flushed wads of suspected fake cash down the toilet:
“It’s a good thing these guys didn’t decide to burn the money.”

4. On a police officer in Indiana who as was charged with identity deception for subscribing to magazines and ordering CDs in the name of a firefighter, whose ex-wife is now married to the officer:
“Is it me, or are firefighters and cops like cats and dogs?”

5. On a woman shaking pepper onto her potato at a fast food restaurant finding metallic mercury coming out of it (it was found that a teenager, who is now charged with two felonies, was the person who did the prank):
“Man, that prank sounds about as funny as the Tylenol cyanide “prank” of the early 1980’s.”

6. On a 76-year-old performance artist who was arrested after attacking Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain," a porcelain urinal, with a hammer:
“I’m not sure which I’m disturbed at more – the fact that a urinal was considered art, or a performance artist shattering a urinal is considered art … this, of course, legitimizes the ‘Dogs Playing Poker’ pictures.”

7. On a fifth grader in Missouri who suggested that distributors should sell beer warm to reduce drunk driving incidents:
“I wonder if this kid was ever shoved into a locker by his class mates.”

8. On a 4-year-old in Texas whose name is on the no-fly-list:
“There are untold things that youngsters can do with Crayola crayons.”