Topical Chat, January 23, 2006

I’d like to congratulate the Seahawks and Steelers for making the Super Bowl, and also Jerome Bettis who has gained weight for 97 straight weeks. Good job, Bus.

1. On a prison inmate in Sydney, Australia, who lost 31 pounds so he could escape jail through a narrow hole in a wall (he was captured after a few days on the run):
“Doesn’t every prisoner lose weight with the bad food in prison? Maybe they should put more bars in.”

2. On a group of animal rights activists in Barcelona, Spain, staging a naked protest Saturday to denounce the torture and slaying of animals to make fur coats:
“Unfortunately, these people don’t ‘groom’ themselves, and don’t practice oral hygiene – so any potential sexual arousal issues were avoided.”

3. On a woman filing a lawsuit claiming that a hot fudge sundae she bought for her 12-year-old son from McDonalds (in Georgetown, Delaware) was contaminated with human blood:
“Looks like the ‘Mc-Vampire’ was a failure.”

4. On a man who held up banks by claiming he had a bomb in a bag being arrested after police found the bag actually contained books, including a phone book that had a mailing label with the man's full name and address:
“The guy probably should’ve put a DNA sample in the bag as well, just to be sure.”

5. On a man driving the autobahn in Berlin, Germany, stopping at a rest-stop to relieve himself getting stuck in the bathroom stall when the lock freezed:
“Holy crap …. Get it?”

6. On a lady being cited by a Colonial Regional Police officer for throwing lettuce out of her car window while parked outside a Wal-Mart in Lower Nazareth Township:
“Yet another reason that it is important to eat your greens.”

7. On a Rochester, New York, woman who went to toss a bag of garbage in her can yesterday when she found it was already full – with a bank robbery suspect:
“Ah, this one is too easy.”

8. On a guy who ran on the football field when Cleveland played Pittsburgh, being sentenced to jail for Super Bowl weekend:
“Hopefully, nobody will penetrate his ‘endzone’ that weekend.”