Now That's F*cked Up!

Slow Down!!!

2008-05-04T14:23:00.002-04:00

Hey everyone, I haven't had many people visit this site in a while, so I'm probably going to either stop or cut-back on the postings here, and focus more on my "Plethora" site. Please, come join me there - I talk about anything and everything!

Topical Chat, April 30, 2008

2008-04-29T20:12:00.001-04:00

End of April … so, if April Showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

1.On a report that British people are ruder now than they were 10 years ago:
“Prince Charles read this article and apparently spit on it …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080428/od_nm/rude_dc

2. On ABC News asking if people should start stockpiling food, because of the rising costs:
“Apparently, this situation is this year’s Avian Flu epidemic …”
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/Economy/story?id=4741433&page=1

3. On Cher revealing that she once dated Tom Cruise:
“But, isn’t Tom Cruise ga …. Nevermind.”
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,26278,23615443-10388,00.html

4. On Vivid Entertainment releasing a sex tape allegedly starring Jimi Hendrix:
“Let’s just hope this was recorded before he died …”http://omg.yahoo.com/alleged-jimi-hendrix-sex-tape-to-be-released/news/8626

5. On controversial pictures of teen actress Miley Cyrus causing the website of Vanity Fair to crash:
“Since Brittney hasn’t done anything stupid in the past few weeks, the tabloids are really reaching …”
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2008/04/29/news_of_miley_cyrus_pictures_crash_vanit

6. On the affair Roger Clemens had with a very young Mindy McCready:
“Next thing you know, we’ll find out that Clemens is a Scientologist …”
http://blogs.usatoday.com/gameon/2008/04/singer-says-she.html

7. On the call girl involved in the sex scandal with former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer filing a lawsuit - suing the founder of the "Girls Gone Wild" video series for more than $10 million:
“Looks like she’s trying to get another 15 minutes of fame with this one …”http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/28/call.girl.lawsuit/index.html

2008-04-27T15:26:00.002-04:00

My hat goes off to the Sixers - what a turnaround!

1. On Royal Carribean cruise line kicking a family off the ship late at night and abandoning them in the Bahamas when their 7-month-old child became sick:
"I bet the 'ship' really hit the fan with that one!"
http://www.wftv.com/news/15998021/detail.html?rss=orlc&psp=news

2. On Dunkin Donuts' employment application that asks applicants to sign a statement that reads, "I understand and agree that … I can be fired for any reason:"
"The price we pay for cheap pastry!"
http://bangornews.com/news/t/default.aspx?a=163530&template=print-article.htm

3. On Yoichi, a scotch whiskey distilled on the shores of the Sea of Japan, becoming the first variety produced outside Scotland to win the coveted single malt award in an international competition run by Whisky Magazine:
"Plus, every bottle has a piece of sushi at the bottom ..."
http://www.dailyindia.com/show/233073.php/Japanese-whisky-voted-best-in-the-world

4. On a woman who had phone sex with a man claiming he raped her over the phone:
"Wow, that must've been one big antenna!"
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2008/04/27/was_woman_raped_on_telephone/5602/

5. Chanel wanting to sign up Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of Courtney Love and Curt Cobain, to be the face of the fragrance:
"Man, could you imagine all the songs Curt could've written about this???"
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=562309&in_page_id=1773

6. On a smelly check causing a bank evacuation and hazmat response:
"On an unrelated note, a local company decided to stop making its 'turd-flavored scratch-n-sniff' checks ..."
http://www.newsday.com/news/nationworld/wire/sns-ap-odd-stinky-check,0,3530203.story

7. On motorists over the age of 75 possibly facing compulsory tests of their eyesight and ability to drive under new proposals:
"This is much better than my idea of building separate roads for the elderly..."
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/26/nelderly126.xml

Topical Chat, April 23, 2008

2008-04-23T19:01:00.001-04:00

So, I’m not sure if I have a cold or spring allergies … either way, it sucks.

1.On the U.S. believing that North Korea was helping Syria build a nuclear reactor that could produce plutonium:
“Wait, North Korea doing something evil????? No way!”
http://www.reuters.com/article/latestCrisis/idUSN23349645?rpc=92

2. On a truck spilling Jell-o on a highway:
“Hopefully the highway was ‘desserted’ at the time …”
http://www.wtlv.com/news/news-article.aspx?storyid=107643

3. On a guy breaking into his dad’s house to steal $5 in pennies:
“That doesn’t even make any ‘cents.’”
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/local/news-article.aspx?storyid=107656

4. On a man whofound three guns and hundreds of rounds of ammunition in his 13-year-old daughter's treehouse:
“We’ve come a long way since the Little Rascals …”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24261772/

5. On Shirley Temple Black, one of the most popular child stars in Hollywood history, celebrating her 80th birthday at home with a broken arm:
“I guess she took it literally when somebody told her to ‘raise the roof’ on her birthday …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080422/lf_nm_life/temple_dc_2

6. On 2 people in India being arrested for stealing more than 100 vials of human semen:
“Hey, what’s in this drink, anyway?”
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=107626

7. On an oral surgeon who is suing the Chicago Bulls because he was injured in high-five with their mascot:
“That sounds like a load of ‘you know what’ to me …”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/chi-benny-bull-suedapr22,1,2429632.story

Topical Chat, April 21, 2008

2008-04-20T13:37:00.001-04:00

What a beautiful weekend – grilled up my first burgers and dogs of the year!

1. On more than 140 people being rushed to local hospitals with food poisoning after eating fish balls apparently made from the puffer fish:
“Bestiality doesn’t pay!”
http://www.bangkokpost.com/topstories/topstories.php?id=127192

2. On two women reporting that a ghost has been having sex with them:
“It must’ve been a ‘haunting’ experience!”
http://www.fedwaymirror.com/portals-code/list.cgi?paper=91&cat=23&id=1197939&more=0

3. On a who tried to fight a bank's repossession of his home ending up in jail with "murderers, rapists and drug dealers:”
“The United States of the 1970’s thinks this is a travesty …”
http://www.news.com.au/heraldsun/story/0,21985,23567055-661,00.html

4. On Danica Patrick becoming the first female racer to win a major auto race:
“In a seemingly unrelated note, Michelle Wie is considering switching from golf to Indycar …”
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080419/SPORTS0107/804200363/1052/SPORTS01

5. On a man who was tasered by police being taken to the hospital after the stun gun ignited a "flammable object" in his pants, and burning him:
“I guess the guy wasn’t lying when he said he had a pocket rocket he needed to bury …”
http://thespec.com/News/Local/article/356763

6. On a new study that finds that fire retardants, mercury and stain-proof coatings are some of the chemicals found in the bodies of live dogs and cats:
“The good news is if your house burns down, Fluffy might still make it …”
http://origin.mercurynews.com/breakingnews/ci_8965785

7. On a train company announcing it will ban passengers who repeatedly put their feet on seats:
“I had no idea Comcast owns a train company …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=560556&in_page_id=1766&ito=1490

Topical Chat, April 18, 2008

2008-04-17T18:37:00.000-04:00

Let’s go Flyers … clap-clap clap-clap-clap!!!!!!

1. On Martha Stewart’s dog, Paw-Paw, passing away:
“Somehow, I’m not sure if Martha would say, ‘it’s a good thing …’”
http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/local&id=6084734

2. On a British teacher’s claim that baldness is a disability:
“Well, if that’s the case, this guy might want to try stupidity as well …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/tayside_and_central/7350523.stm

3. On a discharged patient being accused of stealing an ambulance, then speeding away at up to 100 mph:
“He was immediately offered a position with the hospital …”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2008/04/15/ap/strange/main4018806.shtml

4. On American surgeons claiming that they have removed a man's appendix by operating through his mouth:
“Are these the same surgeons from the movie ‘Spies Like Us?’”
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,91251-1312960,00.html?f=rss

5. On London police believing that putting clergymen on buses will prevent unruly behavior from teenagers:
“However, sexual harassment cases on said busses will probably rise …”
http://thisislocallondon.co.uk/display.var.2196542.0.croydon_pastors_patrol_bus_routes.php

6. On a teenage girl having to be rescued by firefighters after getting stuck in a baby's swing:
“From the ‘what could possibly go wrong whilst playing truth-or-dare’ department.”
http://www.lep.co.uk/weirdnews/Stranded-teenager-rescued-from-baby.3985108.jp

7. On a baby girl being struck in the head with an empty glass after an argument over a spitball fight:
“From the ‘Failed Three Stooges Scripts’ department …”
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/florida/orl-bk-fight-041508,0,5420074.story

Topical Chat, April 16, 2008

2008-04-15T17:49:00.001-04:00

I think I might have to mow my lawn for the first time in 2008 this weekend … damn!

1. On college students being made to sign contracts which may force them to throw away their scruffy jumpers and torn jeans:
“I’d be happy with them pulling those jeans above their ass-cheeks …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=559647&in_page_id=1770&ito=1490

2. On Carmelo Anthony being pulled over for D.U.I.:
“Two words … Allen … Iverson …”
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/mugshots/carmelomug1.html

3. On Eminem singing at Nelson Mandela’s 90th birthday:
“Nothing screams Apartheid like Eminem.”
http://stuff.co.nz/4477793a4500.html

4. On a binge drinking girl who suffered liver failure at just 14:
“I thought Amy Winehouse was older …”
http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=559589&in_page_id=1770

5. On a dairy farmer who believes a happy cow is a productive cow discovering an unusual way to relax his herd and increase milk yields – tai chi:
“This guy is quite a- ‘moo’ –sing…”
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=142597&in_page_id=34

6. On a 101-year-old marathoner, who took a break halfway through a marathon for a cigarette and a beer:
“He keeps that up, and he won’t live a day past 105!”
http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Marathon39s-no-sweat-if-you.3977250.jp

7. On Vidal Sassoon being hailed as an anti-fascist warrior-hairdresser:
“So, is this a compliment or put-down?”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/04/14/nsassoon114.xml

Topical Chat, April 14, 2008

2008-04-13T18:57:00.001-04:00

I went to a bachelor party this weekend .. if my comments aren’t that funny, hey, at least I actually have an excuse …

1. On at least 23 people in 14 states being sickened by the same strain of salmonella found in two breakfast cereals recalled by Malt-O-Meal:
“The cereals are called ‘Frosted Salmonell-os’ and ‘Virus Puffs.’”

2. On American government investigators believing that eBay and Craigslist are becoming international arms bazaars, facilitating the sale of "sensitive and stolen US military items" to the agents of sinister foreign powers - or even terrorists:
“Besides, these items have usually been sold to these foreign powers BY the U.S. government …”
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2008/04/13/craigslist_ebay_terror_arms_bazaars/

3. On the impending “invasion” of millipedes into Scotland:
“Geez, maybe they should make a video game out of thi …. Nevermind.”
http://news.scotsman.com/latestnews/Invasion-of-the-millipedes.3976693.jp

4. On CBS golf announcer Bobby Clampett referring to Chinese golfer Liang Wen-Chong as "the chinaman:"
“Seriously? I mean, with the supersaturation of political overcorrectness, you’d think a golf announcer would have more brains than that …”
http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/04/11/cbss-bobby-clampett-apologizes-for-calling-liang-wen-chong-chi/

5. On a farmer who blamed his wife for not providing him with a child, swapping her for a goat with three kids:
“Baaaaa…. This story really ‘got my goat!’”
http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/topstories/2008/04/12/wife-could-not-give-me-a-child-so-i-swapped-her-for-a-goat-89520-20380288/

6. On a group of University of Iowa scientists who are looking for marijuana smokers to help gain insight into the drug's effects - and they plan to pay subjects as much as $600 to smoke their pot:
“In an unrelated note, admission applications to the University of Iowa reached all-time highs this past week …”
http://www.whotv.com/Global/story.asp?S=8157524&nav=2HAB

7. On a 25-year-old South Lake Tahoe man who is accused of dumping a cat litter box on a woman and threatening to kill her:
“Don’t make me get the pooper scooper!”
http://www.recordcourier.com/article/20080411/News/930325104/0/FRONTPAGE

Topical Chat, April 11, 2008

2008-04-10T19:00:00.001-04:00

I got a bachelor party in A.C. on Saturday night … chances are I might not be blogging on Sunday/Monday … you’ve been warned.

1. On a man believed to have practiced dentistry in West Palm Beach without a license being found driving around with bloody dental instruments in his car:
“This is a guy you probably don’t want to party with … or set up cleaning with …”
http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=77877

2. On the making of High School Musical 4:
“The makers of the Police Academy movies are even embarrassed by this.”
http://www.wtam.com/cc-common/news/sections/entertainmentarticle.html?feed=104665&article=3516509

3. On a top Al Qaeda leader dying in Pakistan of Hepatitis:
“That’s a real shame … REPEAT … a real shame … I hope it was slow and painful.”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,348668,00.html

4. On the Thudguard Helmet for bouncing babies:
“ … and really drunk parents …”
http://uk.gizmodo.com/2008/04/08/thudguard_helmet_for_bouncing.html

5. On Congress working on a bill intended to protect blind people and other pedestrians from the dangers posed by quiet (hybrid) cars:
“Let’s put faulty mufflers on them ….”
http://www.foxnews.com/printer_friendly_story/0,3566,348370,00.html

6. On Federal employees using government credit cards to pay for lingerie, gambling, iPods, Internet dating services, and a $13,000 steak-and-liquor dinner:
“And I still can’t figure out why we don’t trust government …”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/04/08/AR2008040802718.html?sid=ST2008040803504

7. On a former Japanese PM popping up at "World Ramen Summit" to tout ramen as universal treat:
“That guy is really using his ‘noodle’ ….”
http://www.reuters.com/article/rbssConsumerGoodsAndRetailNews/idUST28273320080409?rpc=92

Topical Chat, April 9, 2008

2008-04-08T18:23:00.001-04:00

A good friend of mine drank some red wine at my house this weekend, and then did some shots … he ended up puking some purple stuff … which made it look like he had given a hummer to Grimace.

1. On a new radio station that broadcasts nothing but the sound of birds:
“It makes sense, the owner has to be a ‘bird-brain.’”
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,23501357-5012895,00.html

2. On a fast-food stall worker's demand that an irate customer pay her damages for throwing a half-eaten kebab at her:
“Now, are we sure that half-eaten ‘thing’ was really a kebab?”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=136896&in_page_id=2

3. On the 75th anniversary of beer once again becoming legal in the U.S.:
“Seriously, why isn’t this a national holiday?”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/04/07/new.beers.eve/index.html

4. On a beach that is banning overweight youngsters from seaside donkey rides:
“However, fat people wearing speedos is still allowed …”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2008/apr/04/children.health

5. On a teenage student in possession of sexually explicit photos of his Swedish school teacher claiming the woman was trying to seduce him:
“Ummm …. Where the hell were these teachers when I was growing up?”
http://www.thelocal.se/10950.html

6. On a $5-per-customer fee on strip club patrons dubbed the "pole tax" being declared unconstitutional:
“There are so many things that could use the name ‘pole tax.’”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/sns-ap-strip-club-fee,1,3695517.story

7. On elite French troops heading to East Africa to bolster efforts to free captives of a yacht held by pirates off Somalia:
“Ummm … unless the pirates are blind, and have no arms or legs, sending the French in will only guarantee more hostages …”http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/world/5680051.html

Topical Chat, April 7, 2008

2008-04-06T15:41:00.002-04:00

A moment of silence for Mr. Charlton Heston ...

1. On a tiger eating a Chinese man at a zoo:
"The tiger was hungry again 20 minutes later ..."
http://uk.reuters.com/article/newsOne/idUKPEK9713720080404?rpc=92

2. On zeppelins appearing over the skies in London for the first time in more than 90 years:
"Why doesn't this seem like such a good idea?"
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article3689784.ece

3. On a man who received a heart transplant from a person committing suicide, and then committing suicide as well:
"Sounds like a 'heartless' thing to do ..."
http://www.islandpacket.com/266/story/272035.html

4. On a 14-year-old boy who was so upset that his mother threatened to send him to military school for skipping class that he turned her in for growing marijuana:
"I smell family counseling in their future ... or is that 'Mary Jane?'"
http://www.kitsapsun.com/news/2008/apr/05/when-nk-mom-cracks-down-14-year-old-son-turns-in/

5. On six police cruisers responding to an emergency alarm at Willows Child Learning Center only to find a teacher and a parent fighting over a child's favorite "BaBa:"
"Michael Jackson is interested in finding out exactly what a child's 'BaBa' is ..."
http://www.9news.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=89330

6. On UK ministers ready to impose minimum prices on cheap alcohol in stores to battle binge drinking culture:
Nothing like spending $10 a bottle for Mad Dog ..."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=557381&in_page_id=1766&ito=1490

7. On the possibility of a Rachel Ray video game:
"I have a great title - I Want to Kill Rachel Ray."
http://www.gamertell.com/gaming/comment/rachael-ray-must-be-stopped-before-she-makes-a-videogame/

Topical Chat, April 4, 2008

2008-04-03T17:37:00.001-04:00

Happy birthday to my beautiful wife … she informed me she is celebrating her 25th birthday … 10th year in a row!

1. On a man who was arrested after police said he drove his car to a Dunkin' Donuts drive-through window while naked:
“No thanks, I have my own coffee stirrer.”
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/x13135355

2. On a 16-year-old Japanese high school student becoming the first nationwide pen-spinning champion:
“Steven Urkel thinks this kid will have a tough time getting laid …”http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080331/od_nm/pen_dc_1

3. On a mother who was busted for duct-taping her two tots to chairs and posting pictures of their terror-stricken faces on MySpace continuing to care for the children, despite concerns for their safety:
“She may be the front-runner for the Brittney Spears Parenting award for 2008 …”
http://news.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1084199

4. On a 36-year-old man who left a pub customer with a fractured eye socket in an unprovoked attack being banned from every pub and club in England, unless he is with his mum or dad:
“And no Sesame Street unless you finish your veggies!”
http://www.lep.co.uk/news/Man-36-can-only-go.3932718.jp

5. The Transportation Safety Administration unveiling major changes for airline passenger checkpoints - Expect cool blue instead of cold steel at TSA checkpoints, as well as mood music playing in the background:
“Just don’t expect to board the plane anymore quickly …”http://www.myfoxdc.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=2ECE13C5464E499B800B943963CAFD62?contentId=6182825&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

6. On a man in a wheelchair literally stopping traffic on the freeway today when he rolled up a ramp and onto the slow lane:
“Larry Flint getting desperate trying to sell Hustler magazines?”
http://www.mydesert.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080331/NEWS0804/80331036/1006/NEWS01

7. On a Colorado teacher allowing his students to beat a student who was 10 minutes late for class:
“Seriously, if teachers THIS dumb are hired, what chance do we have at a good education?”
http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_8758670

Topical Chat, April 2, 2008

2008-04-01T18:36:00.002-04:00

Ah, the second day of April … reminds me of a terrible joke I used to tell as a kid (and yes, I actually do tell good jokes once in a while) – If April showers bring Mayflowers, what do Mayflowers bring? Pilgrims! Thank you – I’ll be here all week!

1. On cables and fireworks falling on wrestling fans at Wrestlemania:
“Who says wrestling’s fake now?”
http://www.wftv.com/slideshow/news/15749289/detail.html

2. On Mayor Kilpatrick’s text scandal sullying Detroit's image:
“Wait, is it even possible to further sully Detroit’s image at this point?”
http://toledoblade.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080331/NEWS19/803310351

3. On some employees from the state Department of Public Health and Human Services complaining that their new computers don’t include any games:
“Thankfully, Youtube is still not off-limits …”
http://www.billingsgazette.net/articles/2008/03/31/news/state/26-games.txt

4. On deer penis, turtle blood and angelica root potions joining steroids and amphetamines on the list of banned drugs for Chinese Olympians:
“One must question if it is still acceptable to take deer penis rectally …”
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601109&sid=aCQ0IoTLiM.4&refer=exclusive

5. On a study by an award-winning cancer expert showing that cell phone use could kill more people than smoking:
“Thank goodness that it is too expensive to buy cell phones by the carton …”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,343335,00.html

6. On bikers getting their motorcycles blessed by a Reverend:
“Al Sharpton just can’t stay out of the news, can he?”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/bizarre&id=6051533

7. On a man waking up after a night of drinking with friends and realized he was inside a commercial trash-collection truck full of waste:
“Oscar the Grouch was none too pleased …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/bizarre&id=6050213

Topical Chat, March 31, 2008

2008-03-30T12:47:00.000-04:00

Last day of March … a tame one at that … let’s hope April brings even nicer weather!

1. On a University’s plagiarism honor code being found to have been lifted from another University’s honor code:
“From the ‘Do as I say, not as I do” department …”
http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/metro/stories/MYSA033008.01A.HONORCODE.38a7b45.html

2. On a Las Vegas area town who is considering shutting down an under-18 dance club shutdown because it "seriously effect(s) [sic] the social and moral well being of the city:
“This, coming from the same city where prostitution is encouraged …”
http://www.lasvegasnow.com/global/story.asp?s=8087698

3. On district officials investigating an incident in which a substitute teacher allegedly reprimanded a student inappropriately - using the tip of her finger and patting the student on the forehead:
“Seriously, we’re softer than marshmallows nowadays … how is this assault?”
http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/ci_8738066?source=rss_viewed

4. On parents of a 4-year-old arrested after the authorities found pot on said child:
“Hey, takin’ this stuff makes Barney and the Teletubbies bearable to watch …”http://www.southbendtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080328/News01/63756009/0/ENT

5. On the Wikimedia Foundation reaching a significant new milestone - the official article count for all Wikipedias combined reached 10 million:
“Those numbers are ‘wiki-diculous!’”
http://wikimediafoundation.org/wiki/Press_releases/10M_articles

6. On a school confiscating a student’s crutches, because the student didn’t have a doctor’s note:
“I knew it was a bad idea for the local school-board to elect ‘Principal Hitler.’”
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2008/mar/29/me-mother-school-took-girls-crutches/?news-breaking

7. On a new pizza-flavored beer:
“As long as I don’t find any anchovies floating in it, I think I could drink it …”
http://www.mammamiapizzabeer.com/main.html

Topical Chat, March 28, 2008

2008-03-27T18:30:00.000-04:00

Great time to be a sports fan – basketball playoffs, hockey playoffs, NFL draft, and the start of baseball!

1. On a little person filing a complaint with McDonalds after a restaurant employee screamed and ran away from him because he is a little person:
“Must’ve been a bad Mc-acid trip …”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23799576

2. On a 58-year-old man who fed pigeons wearing only a skimpy thong:
“The problem was that he was wearing the thong on his head …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/tayside_and_central/7314643.stm

3. On police who pulled over a female drunken driver, who had a suspended license and had marijuana in her car, and she didn't have any pants on:
“The guy with the thong must’ve stole them …”
http://wtop.com/?nid=456&sid=1364840

4. On New Hampshire being name the most livable state in the country:
“Is New Hampshire still a state? I mean, shouldn’t it really just be a county?”
http://hosted.ap.org/dynamic/stories/N/NH_MOST_LIVABLE_UTOL-?SITE=CODEN&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT

5. On TV veteran Larry King being voted least sexy television host:
“Apparently, nobody watches Judge Judy …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080326/tv_nm/talkshow_aol_dc

6. On a report that fighting with your spouse can be good for your health:
“So, does this mean that Mr. Peterson is the healthiest inmate in prison?”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/03/26/squabbling.spouses/index.html?iref=mpstoryview

7. On a building that was in the process of getting demolished catching fire, and being “saved” by firefighters:
“That makes about as much sense as a movie starring Larry the Cable Guy.”
http://www.bellinghamherald.com/102/story/360643.html

Topical Chat, March 26, 2008

2008-03-25T20:50:00.000-04:00

Anyone get the feeling that the political elections in the U.S. would probably make more sense being held under a big-top?

1. On trustees for the government's two biggest benefit programs, issuing their once-a-year analysis, saying that the resources in the Social Security trust fund will be depleted by 2041, and that the reserves in the Medicare trust fund that pays hospital benefits were projected to be wiped out by 2019:
“With a sluggish housing market, and gas prices rising faster that Governor Spitzer’s hooker tab, it’s certainly good to hear good news for once …”
http://www.startribune.com/business/16978011.html

2. On a Finnish tourist being detained after allegedly stealing a piece of volcanic rock from one of the massive Moai statues on Easter Island:
“Looks like this guy is ‘finnished …’”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23793523/

3. On a United Nations food program issuing an emergency appeal for donations as the amount of food aid sent abroad from the United States is plunging:
“You never notice us until you need us, do you?”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2008/03/25/un_food_program_seeks_500m/9007/

4. On a drunk pregnant woman being arrested when officers found her twin 2-year-old daughters there partially clothed amid feces and broken glass:
“Shouldn’t the ‘de-flowerer’ be arrested for ‘assisting’ her in becoming a mother …”
http://www.newsday.com/news/local/longisland/ny-likid255625298mar25,0,5185529.story

5. On the Pentagon announcing that it mistakenly shipped non-nuclear ballistic missile components to Taiwan from a U.S. Air Force base in Wyoming:
“You know, nothing really amazes me about our government anymore …”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/chi-missile-parts-pentagon-taiwan-story,0,3604999.story

6. On the world's tallest man having trouble finding shoes, a bike, and condoms:
“I’m pretty sure he could contact that clown at McDonalds for a really nice pair of red shoes …”
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/irresistible/15692947/detail.html

7. On Georgetown having a class on the Harry Potter books:
“THIS is why it costs $50,000 to go to Georgetown …”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/SHOWBIZ/books/03/25/cnnu.potter/index.html

Topical Chat, March 24, 2008

2008-03-23T20:11:00.002-04:00

Happy belated Spring everyone … even though, we never really got winter in Philly this year.

1. On a police officer who admitted to drinking at least 18 beers before going on duty to carry out breathalyzer tests:
“Quick, blow into my mouth …”
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,23420979-952,00.html

2. On a registered sex offender running for mayor saying he hopes voters can overlook his 2004 arrest in which he was caught in a police sting trying to arrange sex with a 15-year-old girl on the Internet:
“Former Governor Spitzer thinks this guy is creepy …” http://590klbj.com/News/Story.aspx?ID=87378

3. On a juror being discharged from a rape case after being caught smoking cannabis in the court toilets:
“They caught him after following a trail of Doritos crumbs …”
http://www.hightimes.com/ht/news/content.php?bid=1631&aid=24

4. On a bunch of different uses for vodka, including a way to remove a bandage painlessly by saturating the bandage with vodka:
“Actually, if you drink the entire bottle first, removing the bandage probably won’t hurt, either …”
http://lifehackery.com/2008/03/11/21-amazing-alternate-uses-for-vodka/

5. On a town in Kansas opening up the “Foul Weather Museum;”
“The triple wide trailer home housing the museum is located in the middle of an open field …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080322/ap_on_re_us/disasters_on_display

6. On ten artificial beaches being created in Mexico City:
“Man, that’s a lot of silicone …”
http://www.latimes.com/news/la-fg-fakebeach22mar22,1,2152217.story?track=rss

7. On a man who blamed his speeding ticket on a poorly dunked Oreo cookie:
“Seriously, most 5-year-olds think this guy is nuts …”
http://wcbstv.com/topstories/Oreo.Speeding.Defense.2.682902.html

Topical Chat, March 20, 2008

2008-03-20T17:51:00.002-04:00

Final 64 time! One of the greatest times in American Sports … shame the NCAA can’t get it’s act together with division 1 football playoffs …

1. On a federal court on Tuesday giving White House officials three days to explain why they should not be required to make copies of all e-mails on computers in the Executive Office of the President:
“Have you seen what we’ve done Afghanistan and Al Gore?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/white_house_e_mail

2. On a new women's vodka, designed to be sipped with salad after a workout in the gym:
“Why not vodka with PMS medication in it? Seriously.”
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSKUA76164020080317?rpc=92

3. On a recent study that reported that in general, men are more likely to report eating meat and poultry items and women are more likely to report eating fruits and vegetables:
“And now, here’s Tim with the Good Friday weather forecast …”
http://www.labspaces.net/view_news_comments.php?newsID=4099

4. On the NYPD ignoring any crimes that took place on Leap Day in order to keep stats low:
“Sounds like a radio station stunt – Join us in New York City for ‘No Crime Day!!!!’”
http://www.villagevoice.com/news/0812,nypd_ignores,381244,2.html

5. On Philippine officials warning that crucifixion can be bad for your health:
“In other news, it gets dark at night …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23402583-13762,00.html

6. On President George W. Bush acknowledging the Iraq war has been fought at a high cost but insisting a U.S. troop buildup has opened the door to a "major strategic victory" against Islamic militants:
“Didn’t he try this already on an aircraft carrier in 2003?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080319/ts_nm/iraq_bush_dc_3

7. On Jessica Parker revealing her heartache over being voted the 'world's unsexiest woman' in a men's mag poll:
“Her manager cheered her up by feeding her sugar cubes …”
http://www.news.com.au/entertainment/story/0,26278,23401789-10388,00.html

Topical Chat, March 19, 2008

2008-03-18T18:41:00.001-04:00

Not sure if I’ll get to post another one of these before Easter, so for all you Christians … have a good one!

1. On more than half of Democrats and nearly two-thirds of Republicans being less likely to support Sen. Barack Obama for president after viewing video clips of his longtime friend and pastor espousing a radical "black power" worldview, according to a survey:
“That’s quite a dip in Republican support, considering that 0% supported him to begin with …”
http://www.washingtontimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080318/NATION/712806595/1001

2. On two McDonalds workers being accused of selling marijuana from the restaurant during work hours:
“Gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘super-sized.’”
http://wvgazette.com/latest/200803180254

3. On Ford’s new campaign, which will begin next month, featuring a new tagline -- "Ford. Drive One:”
“How about this one … ‘Ford, pretty please????’”
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120579730431243519-email.html

4. On a mummified dinosaur unearthed in North Dakota:
“There is no truth to the rumor that it was actually Bob Dole …”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/TECH/science/03/18/dinosaur.mummy.ap/index.html?fark

5. On camel beauty pageants being held in Saudi Arabia:
“Insert ‘hump’ joke here!”
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2004287020_camels17.html

6. On a section of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia being ordered closed late Monday for emergency repairs after the discovery of a worsening crack in a concrete support pillar:
“So far, no connection has been found between this and the play of the four major Philadelphia sports teams …”
http://www.philly.com/philly/wires/ap/news/state/pennsylvania/20080317_ap_i95inphiladelphiaclosesforemergencyrepair.html

7. On a newspaper article titled, “Police Shoot Man In Wheelchair After Standoff:”
“Sounds like somebody’s trying to become an ‘ass’spiring comedian …”
http://www.wmtw.com/news/15621960/detail.html

Topical Chat, March 17, 2008

2008-03-16T13:38:00.001-04:00

Happy St. Patricks Day to one and all!

1. On a Mexican woman being charged with trying to smuggle more than 30 pounds of cocaine into Britain by strapping bags of the drug to the legs of two children:
“Hey son, is that a snowman between your legs or are you just happy to see me?”
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/World/2008/03/13/4992716-ap.html

2. On Ethiopia's national bank being told to inspect all the gold in its vaults to determine its authenticity:
“Wait, Ethiopia has a national bank, and if so, what is the currency of Ethiopia – candy bars?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7294665.stm

3. On Muslim prisoners being offered ham sandwiches during the holy month of Ramadan:
“This sounds like an episode of Seinfeld … sort of.”
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23454310-details/article.do?ito=newsnow&

4. On President Bush joking about the worst-kept secret in the White House - the May 10 wedding of his daughter Jenna:
“Why do I get the feeling that Dick Cheney is feeding him the ‘jokes?’”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/03/13/bush.wedding.ap/index.html

5. On a 100 year old man celebrating his birthday at Hooters:
“If only he were 75-years younger …”
http://www.desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080313/NEWS03/803130412/1001/

6. On a student suing a teacher after the teacher woke him up in class:
“I hope Karma puts on a steel-toe boot and kicks this kid in his wedding tackle ..”
http://wcbstv.com/local/Sleeping.Student.Lawsuit.2.676166.html

7. On a minor league baseball team announcing Eliot Spitzer night:
“Unfortunately, tickets start at about $4,000 …”
http://www.macon.com/maconmusic/story/292746.html

8. On 7 Cuban soccer players going missing after a game in the United States:
“Hey, those guys are really going to miss those cigars … and that’s about it.”
http://soccernet.espn.go.com/news/story?id=516024&cc=5901

Topical Chat, March 12, 2008

2008-03-11T17:29:00.001-04:00

Well, the Birds didn’t land Larry Fitzgerald … that’s ok, we still have Hank Bask…. Reggie Bro….Gregg Lew…. Nevermind.

1. On a report that 1-in-4 teenaged girls in America has an STD:
“That’s ok, with all of the pharmaceutical residue they’ve been finding in drinking water, this should just take care of itself …”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,336749,00.html

2. On Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island being busted for pot possession:
“She said she got it from some guy calling himself ‘the Professor.’”
http://www.ktvb.com/news/localnews/stories/ktvbn-mar1108-mary_ann.44494e42.html

3. On a mother who plans to get her Down's syndrome child plastic surgery to help her 'fit in:'
“Brittany Spears thinks this lady might be a little nuts …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=528898&in_page_id=1879&ico=Homepage&icl=TabModule&icc=picbox&ct=5

4. On authorities with Guinness World Records having officially certified a world record crab cake that was developed with the help of Salisbury food processor Handy International Inc. – it was cooked in a three-foot rotisserie-style pan in October 2006 during the 2006 Diamond State BBQ Championship in Dover, Del. When finished, it weighed in at 235 pounds:
“Can you imagine the original size of that crab?”
http://www.usatoday.com/news/offbeat/2008-03-11-crab-cake_N.htm?csp=34

5. On feminist “scholars” at the North Carolina campus wanting to ban capital letters because they are a reminder of erect penises:
“What about the letter V?”
http://www.townhall.com/columnists/MikeSAdams/2008/03/10/one_giant_leap_for_personkind

6. On Guinness and Anheuser-Busch pushing to make St. Patrick's Day an official holiday:
“I’ll drink to that!”
http://adage.com/article?article_id=125614

7. On the price of crude oil reaching $109 a barrel:
“Seriously, I think it’s time to stop giving these oil companies tax breaks and financial incentives …”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Business/2008/03/11/crude_heads_toward_109_a_barrel/5751/

Topical Chat, March 10, 2008

2008-03-09T20:26:00.002-04:00

Hmmph, Florida is having issues with the election? Say it ain’t so!

1. On China launching "the most luxurious train in the world" on route from Beijing to Tibet's capital, Lhasa:
“With the promise of no executions in the dining areas …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23348130-23109,00.html

2. On a camera that can see through people’s clothing at distances of up to 80ft has being to help detect weapons, drugs and explosives:
“Sure, the idea looks good on paper … but I’m pretty sure it won’t take long for Hustler to get a hold of one of these …”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/science/article3512019.ece

3. On a study showing that non-drinkers who begin taking the occasional tipple live longer and are less likely to develop heart disease:
“Man, I might just live forever …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080307/sc_nm/heart_drinking_dc

4. On the creator of a new fantasy fishing league wanting Hulk Hogan to help promote it:
“I’m not sure which part of this story is worse ..”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080307/lf_nm_life/fantasy_fishing_dc

5. On a bill in Tennessee a paternity test to be performed on all babies:
“Hi, you must be my uncle-daddy …”
http://www.newschannel5.com/Global/story.asp?S=7977690

6. On Britain proposing reducing speed limits and saturating highways with speed cameras - setting aside one lane where you can pay to drive 70 instead of 60:
“I’m surprised New Jersey hasn’t come up with this … they’re always looking for ways to mismanage more money …”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/environment/article3508263.ece

7. On a study that finds that the Mondays after the springtime hour change are worse than usual for traffic crashes.:
“This is the hard-hitting journalism I’m looking for!”
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080308/NEWS05/803080380

Topical Chat, March 7, 2008

2008-03-06T19:00:00.001-05:00

Brett Favre’s retiring? I don’t think so …

1. On a Benedictine monk being caught with around 230 pornographic films in his room in a monastery in western Germany:
“You know, I’d rather read about this, than about all those priests who are sexually molesting kids … just my two cents.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20080306/od_afp/germanyreligionpornographyoffbeat_080306193109

2. On the Pentagon banning Google Earth teams from making detailed street-level video maps of U.S. military bases:
“Especially in that Area 51 place that doesn’t exist …”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8V84RL00&show_article=1

3. On a California city declaring itself a cuss-free zone:
“Is Kirk Cameron their mayor?”
http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2008-03-06-cuss-free-zone_N.htm

4. On a suspected meth lab that was actually the man's own personal perfume making equipment:
“60 percent of the time, it works all the time …”
http://www.woodtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=7974101

5. On Kellogg Brown & Root, the nation's top Iraq war contractor and until last year a subsidiary of Halliburton Corp., avoiding paying hundreds of millions of dollars in federal Medicare and Social Security taxes by hiring workers through shell companies based in the Cayman Islands:
“This would be shocking except for the fact that Dick Cheney is vice president …”
http://www.boston.com/news/world/articles/2008/03/06/top_iraq_contractor_skirts_us_taxes_offshore/?page=full

6. On a leading bookmaker who has stopped taking bets on the Crufts dog show amid fears that a mystery "superdog" could scoop the top prize:
“Why does this sound like a partnership between Roger Clemens and Michael Vick?”
http://www.independent.ie/breaking-news/world-news/europe/crufts-betting-suspended-amid-superdog-fears-1308311.html

7. On Birmingham's City Council approving a $3.5 million plan to provide schoolchildren with 15,000 computers produced by the nonprofit One Laptop Per Child Foundation, which aims to spread laptops to poor children in developing countries.”
“Um …. Does Alabama even have electricity?”http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080305/ap_on_hi_te/city_cheap_laptops_4

Topical Chat, March 5, 2008

2008-03-04T17:41:00.001-05:00

Less than 1 month until spring-time … weird, isn’t it?

1. On Congress asking the Justice Department to investigate whether Roger Clemens lied under oath:
“Bill Belichik thinks Clemens is a big fat liar …”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2008/feb/27/usa.ussport?gusrc=rss&feed=worldnews

2. On South Carolina finally recognizing the end of slavery:
“Now, if they could just recognize the problems with inbreeding …”
http://www.wsoctv.com/news/15423756/detail.html

3. On the Supreme Court possibly letting Exxon Mobil Corp. off the hook for some of the $2.5 billion the energy giant was ordered to pay as punishment for a massive oil spill in Alaska nearly 19 years ago:
“I mean it’s not like Exxon is reporting the highest profits it’s ever made or anything like that …”
http://abcnews.go.com/TheLaw/GlobalWarming/wireStory?id=4351956

4. On a ninth grader who was charged with theft and sent before a judge for taking a 40-cent lunch without paying:
“Did he get just one rib?”
http://www.newschannel5.com/global/Story.asp?s=7929258

5. On a kindergarten student with a freshly spiked Mohawk being suspended from school because the haircut is a distraction:
“The child’s mother was too busy shooting up to comment on the situation.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080227/ap_on_fe_st/odd_kindergarten_suspension

6. On Boston toll collectors being stripped of their sidearms:
“But, they are still allowed to carry their wrist-rockets …”
http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1076234&srvc=home&position=0?12

7. On a man who turned a poker game with neighborhood residents into his business, with thousands of dollars on the table, high-priced buy-ins, credit card machines and occasionally, nudity:
“Donald Trump was unavailable for comment …”http://www.nbc10.com/news/15420628/detail.html?dl=mainclick

Topical Chat, March 3, 2008

2008-03-02T09:44:00.001-05:00

We’ve “Marched” into a new month … God I love being “punny.”

1. On a man being accused of assaulting his stepdaughter with a garden gnome:
“Obviously, I absolutely detest the crime, but I’m curious about his choice of ‘weapons…’”
http://www.thepittsburghchannel.com/news/15370498/detail.html

2. On a story about Thursday being the new Friday for college students:
“Ummm … what about Monday thru Wednesday????”
http://www.nwaonline.net/articles/2008/03/01/news/030208fznewfriday.txt

3. On the 2008 Miss Outdoors pageant, which includes muskrat skinning:
“Yeah, you know there are some ideas that seem good on paper … this one doesn’t even qualify as that …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/5584958.html

4. On the heads of the biggest gas and electricity companies being ordered by the British Government to hand over part of their multi-billion pound profits:
“Seriously, shouldn’t this be happening in the United States, as opposed to the ridiculous amount of time being given to the steroids in sports issue?”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/03/02/npower102.xml

5. On almost one in 10 nurses thinking that starting a relationship with one of their patients is acceptable while one in six saying they knew of a colleague who had a sexual relationship with a patient they were looking after:
“Now THAT’S what I call health care!”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/health/article3466786.ece

6. On a daycare teacher in being warned for giving cat food to the children:
“Parents started getting suspicious when their kids began coughing up hair balls …”
http://www.thelocal.se/10198/20080301/

7. On pet lovers learning 'mouth to snout resuscitation' in first-aid class:
“Hopefully, this won’t lead them to start feeding their kids cat food …”
http://www.ajc.com/printedition/content/printedition/2008/02/18/dogclass0218.html?cxntlid=inform

Topical Chat, February 27, 2008

2008-02-26T18:08:00.001-05:00

Thank goodness the Oscars are over … not that I ever even notice.

1. On Jamie Lynn Spears passing her GED.:
“This may be the first good news regarding a Spears family member in close to a decade …”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-jamie-lynn-spears-ged,1,2936939.story

2. On an intoxicated driver who lost control of his vehicle and struck a stop sign being unaware that his car was missing a wheel:
“Or that he was unaware that he was sitting in the passenger’s seat whilst driving …”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2008/02/25/police_drunk_driver_was_missing_wheel/4082/

3. On police arresting a 28-year-old man Sunday on a cruelty to animals charge after he yelled an obscenity at a police dog in a patrol vehicle:
“Ummm …. Good to see that these cops have solved all the other crimes in the area …”
http://www.tcpalm.com/news/2008/feb/25/28-year-old-man-charged-cruelty-animals/

4. On a 19-year-old who tried to hold up a convenience store on Sunday night using his finger as a pretend gun:
“Did he get into his 3-wheeled getaway car?”
http://www.local6.com/problemsolvers/15404109/detail.html

5. On a survey that showed that only 43% knew the Civil War was fought between 1850 and 1900:
“This HAS to be from a southern school, right?”http://www.usatoday.com/news/education/2008-02-26-teens-history_N.htm?csp=1

6. On a woman who keeps 75 hibernating tortoises in her fridge:
“If she throws a party, I want to be invited …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=518454&in_page_id=1766

7. On a man using a torch to clear snow in front of a garage door accidentally setting fire to a shed:
“Ralph Nader may ask this guy to be his running mate …”http://www.greenbaypressgazette.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080225/GPG0101/80225074

2008-02-24T10:54:00.000-05:00

Went to McKenzie’s Brew Pub in Chadds Ford on Saturday … a day after a shooting took place there … gotta love my timing!

1. On persistent sexual arousal syndrome or PSAS, which is a condition that some females have - they are constantly on the edge of orgasm regardless of time, place or circumstance:
“Hmmph, I guess I must have the antidote …”
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/story?id=3676562&page=1

2. On a leaked official RIAA training video produced with the National District Attorneys Association telling U.S. prosecutors why they should bust music pirates: Because it'll lead them to "everything from handguns to large quantities of cocaine [and] marijuana," not to mention terrorists and murderers:
“What about obesity? Or cancer? Shouldn’t these be on the list too?”
http://gizmodo.com/358648/

3. On the topic of guyliner, which is eyeliner for guys:
“Yep, I’ve officially gotten told old for this sh*t.”
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2008/02/21/guyliner_hot_or_not_you_decide

4. On bad weather forcing the closure of the Jim Beam distillery:
“Now, that’s not even a little bit funny …”
http://www.wkyt.com/snogo?refresh

5. On Major League Soccer tentatively setting Feb. 28 as the date to announce that a new expansion team would be awarded to the Philadelphia region:
“Just wondering what the team name for this Chester franchise will be …”
http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20080221_Soccer_announcement_date_is_set_for_Feb__28_Plans_for_an_expansion_team_and_stadium_will_be_unveiled_in_Chester_next_week__sources_say_.html

6. On people from the FDA meeting regarding next year’s flu vaccination:
“Well, they did such a good job with this year’s …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080221/ap_on_he_me/flu_vaccine

7. On a senior citizen being caught smuggling $1.4 million dollars of pot:
“After the arrest, Tommy Chong apologized.”
http://www.gazette.net/stories/022008/prinnew112300_32374.shtml?loc=interstitialskip

Topical Chat, February 21, 2008

2008-02-20T18:53:00.001-05:00

Great, the last holiday until Memorial Day has passed ….

1. On a drunk man suffering serious burns to his feet after attempting to firewalk over a bonfire:
“Ah, liquid courage …. And stupidity!”
http://www.wigantoday.net/wigannews/Man-burns-his-feet-on.3787215.jp

2. On a man who got his “manhood” stuck in a mannequin:
“Finally, some new work for Andrew McCarthy!”
http://thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article695249.ece

3. On a man attacking a friend with a machete in a dispute over a case of beer:
“With friends like that, who needs enemies?”
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_8286050

4. On Jim Bakker starting a new religious talk show in Missouri:
“Jimmy Swaggert thinks this is a bad move …”http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/missouristatenews/story/041C935E03A6B97A862573F1001E00A5?OpenDocument?aa

5. On a new book that claims that in order to have an obedient husband, you should train him like a dog:
“However, you know exactly what we mean by ‘Scooby Snacks!’”
http://www.newsweek.com/id/109614?g=1

6. On how a 13 year-old’s search for a lost pet hamster became a hot internet topic:
“Michael Jackson, line 1 …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=515464&in_page_id=1770&ito=newsnow

7. On an ex-homecoming queen who beat her sister with a fake leg in a trailer:
“Animal House 2, anyone?”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/23172332/

2008-02-17T11:37:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone had a nice Valentine’s Day … the wife and I went down to Atlantic City to celebrate … sadly, we didn’t win enough to retire … yet!

1. On Texas being the only state in the country where peyote is sold legally:
“Well … that might help to explain Mark Cuban and President Bush …”
http://www.houstonpress.com/2008-02-14/news/mescaline-on-the-mexican-border/

2. On the U.N. food agency saying cereal stockpiles are expected to hit their lowest level in over two decades:
“It’s gotten so bad, that they’ve asked Cap’n Crunch to look into the situation …”
http://www.newswatch50.com/news/world/story.aspx?content_id=f38e7fbb-4f80-4640-8d0f-a91dbf060e94

3. On The Huffington Post suggesting how to solve global warming and world hunger all at once: by eating grubs, larvae, roadkill and weeds:
“But, isn’t this what school cafeterias have been doing for years?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/huffpost/20080213/cm_huffpost/086288

4. On a pueblo police officer who was already mad at being served a burger spiked with marijuana, being even more upset that the two men responsible got probation:
“And he’s even MORE upset that the value size looks very similar to the large size …”
http://www.krqe.com/global/story.asp?s=7863828

5. On a report that eight million Americans admit they send themselves Valentine's Day gifts:
“If ordering yourself a few beers at the bar is considered buying yourself Valentine’s Day gifts, than I’m guilty as charged …”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKL1388121820080213?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&rpc=92

6. On doctors removing a 2-inch nail that was shoved inside man's penis - He had complained of extreme abdominal pain and an X-ray clearly showed the outline of the nail inside his penis:
“Umm … Not only did I throw up a little in my mouth, but I am now an ‘innie.’”
http://www.gulf-daily-news.com/Story.asp?Article=208568&Sn=BNEW&IssueID=30330

7. On a newspaper story that asks its readers to try an unlikely dessert, Hot Chocolate and Beer:
“Speaking of throwing up a little in my mouth …”
http://www.pittsburghlive.com/x/tribunereview/s_552024.htmlb

Topical Chat, February 13, 2008

2008-02-12T17:13:00.001-05:00

Make sure you wear your seatbelts on a lucky day such as this!

1. On a Dutch company developing the 'Tankpitstop' robot to fill up gas tanks while drivers relax:
“One might have to tip a little more in order to get some ‘herb.’”
http://www.pcworld.com/article/id,142141-c,artificialintelligence/article.html

2. On a 24-year- man pointing what turned out to be a machine gun-shaped liquor bottle at an officer conducting a traffic stop:
“This will turn out about as well as Lindsay Lohan in a night club …”
http://www.ctv.ca/servlet/ArticleNews/story/CTVNews/20080209/bottle_arrest_080209/20080209?hub=Canada/

3. On a 108-year-old woman who was quoted as saying that Coors Light kept her alive this long:
“Could you imagine how long she would’ve lived if she drank good beer?”
http://www.citizensvoice.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=19279336&BRD=2259&PAG=461&dept_id=571464&rfi=6

4. On Yahoo Inc's board believing that Microsoft Corp's unsolicited bid of $44.6 billion to acquire Yahoo "massively undervalues" the company, with directors set to reject the offer:
“I smell hostile takeover!”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080209/tc_nm/yahoo_microsoft_rejection_dc_2

5. On a report that homework is of little benefit to students from junior kindergarten to Grade 6:
“Where was this study when I was a kid????”
http://www.thestar.com/GTA/Education/article/302001

6. On a restaurant in Taiwan welcoming in the Chinese New Year with a menu full of rat dishes:
“Let’s hope there is never a ‘Year of the Human’ on the Chinese calendar …”http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/world/chinese+chefs+inspired+by+year+of+the+rat/1522647

7. On the popular anti-wrinkle drug Botox being linked to dangerous botulism symptoms:
“Hmmph … next thing you’ll tell me is that Liberace was gay …”http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/02/08/botox.warning.ap/index.html

Topical Chat, February 8, 2008

2008-02-10T12:06:00.001-05:00

Man, I am so excited about the Pro Bowl … definitely not a waste of time nor money …

1. On a story asking if garden fertilizer is a radioactive hazard:
“I guess it really depends on what I had for dinner the night before …”
http://www.palmbeachpost.com/residences/content/residences/epaper/2008/02/10/c28_GURUradio0210_VC.html?cxntlid=inform

2. On a man who knocked up his son's 18-year-old girlfriend and then tried to run him over with the family car:
“Certainly brings back memories of Ward Cleaver and Mr. Brady…”
http://stuff.co.nz/4395792a11.html

3. On a 23-year-old Chicago man racing a kart vehicle dying after the kart crashed:
“Great, why do I get the feeling that Go Karts are going to go the way of the Lawn Dart in this country?”
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080208/LOCAL1802/802080422

4. On a man who hid his wife's body for 23 years in a steel drum in the couple's suburban Australian backyard being convicted Saturday of her murder:
“In addition to the hideous smell, I always thought that drum sounded a little flat …”
http://edition.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/02/09/australia.murder.ap/index.html

5. On the increased demand for heavy duty ambulances for the growing number of seriously obese people:
“You know you’re in trouble when you get picked up by an ambulance that sports the golden arches …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23189423-29277,00.html

6. On a story about other nations around the world sitting up to take notice of an intriguing US presidential election campaign as the Bush era of US foreign policy draws to an end:
“You know you’ve had a controversial presidency when …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/7230301.stm

7. On a woman who wanted a man who could share the thrill of a good tractor-pull show, who could see beauty in a shiny row of green and yellow of John Deere tractors:
“God, where in the south could one possibly find a gem like this?”http://kai03.qwest.com/WindowsLive/Media/News/NewsDetail.aspx?cat=National&id=D8UMV87G0@news.ap.org&client=landingpage&qid=593528452EEEE5BB34CCBED6FFFFFFFF

Topical Chat, February 8, 2008

2008-02-07T17:50:00.000-05:00

It was almost 70 degrees a few days ago in Philly … man, what a brutal winter …

1. On the celebration of Rio’s Carnival:
“Apparently, this event makes Mardi Gras seem like a child’s birthday party …”
http://www.abcnews.go.com/Travel/BusinessTravel/story?id=4243248&page=1

2. On more than 1500 people and one famous sheep flocking to a Southland farm for the Whitestone Cheese Rolling champs:
“When the sheep was interviewed, he claimed he was having a ‘baaaa-d’ time …”
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4390694a4560.html

3. On a young Iranian man being sentenced to hang for repeatedly drinking alcohol which is strictly banned in the Islamic republic:
“But, it’s encouraged to strap bombs to yourself and walk in the middle of busy urban centers … yep, that makes sense …”
http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/world/view/20080206-117193/Iranian-faces-execution-for-drinking-alcohol----report?isntthatnice

4. On former Miss Nevada USA Katie Rees being arrested in Las Vegas for allegedly kicking a police officer:
“Apparently, the cop asked her what she would’ve done to improve the world, had she been voted Miss America … a question she couldn’t answer …”
http://www.tmz.com/2008/02/06/katie-rees-arrested-in-vegas/

5. On PETA holding the “Sexiest Vegetarian Next Door” contest:
“What does the winner get, a year supply of avocado?”
http://www.goveg.com/feat/sexiest_vegetarian_next_door_2008/index.asp

6. On a man attempting to kill weeds, but ending up burning his home down:
“But hey, at least the weeds are gone …”
http://www.azcentral.com/community/tempe/articles/0206abrk-tempefire-0206.html

7. On the University of Kentucky's student government association president apologizing for sending an e-mail that falsely accuses Illinois Sen. and presidential hopeful Barack Obama of being a radical Muslim:
“Wait, did Hillary have a son???”
http://www.kentucky.com/471/story/309887.html

Topical Chat, February 6, 2008

2008-02-05T19:03:00.001-05:00

Football season is finally over … unless you consider the Pro Bowl an important game … and if you do, I don’t think I want to be friends with you.

1. On the FBI embarking on a $1 billion effort to build the world's largest computer database of peoples' physical characteristics, a project that would give the government unprecedented abilities to identify individuals in the United States and abroad:
“Yes sir, nothing like less government …”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/12/21/AR2007122102544.html?sub=AR

2. On a guy who collected 65 classic arcade games, and built a private 2,400 square foot arcade with black lights and 80's soundtrack:
“God, what I would give to have Pac Man fever just one more time!”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/02/02/ST2008020201061.html

3. On a recent poll which found that one in four people think that Winston Churchill never existed but Sherlock Holmes did:
“They must’ve polled former 700-level Eagles season ticket holders …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=512087&in_page_id=1770&ito=newsnow

4. On a female bartender who served a customer Pine-O-Cleen disinfectant:
“The thing is that when the customer has a bowel movement, the toilet actually gets cleaner …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23157292-29277,00.html

5. On the decrease in popularity of Pancake Day:
“It looked like Tom Brady was ‘celebrating’ this on Sunday …”
http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=92886&in_page_id=34

6. On the Dutch unveiling a course to help residents overcome their pathological fear of blushing:
“No wonder Austin Powers’ dad hated the Dutch so much!”
http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/182368,dutch-present-course-to-overcome-blushing.html

7. On thousands of football fans in northwest Arkansas missing the first half of Super Bowl XLII because of a technical issue at a local television station:
“This HAS to be an exaggeration … I mean, less than 5% of people in Arkansas don’t even have electricity, right?”
http://www.4029tv.com/news/15207901/detail.html

2008-02-03T17:30:00.000-05:00

Finally, Super Bowl Sunday is over .... it felt like the longest day of the year.

1. On an 18-year-old Elizabethtown man being charged with possessing a weapon of mass destruction and other offenses over a plastic egg explosion:
"Hopefully in prison, the other prisoners will put him "over-easy."
http://www.pennlive.com/newsflash/pa/index.ssf?/base/news-59/1202053157183800.xml&storylist=penn

2. On an Irish setter having record 16 pups after living on diet of cod and chips:
"Sadly, the puppies have "scaly" skin ..."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=512068&in_page_id=1770

3. On a study that reports that wearing stiletto heels can be good for a woman's sex life:
"I'm pretty sure that clevage works just as well ..."
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=512065&in_page_id=1879

4. On a report that tazer parties are gaining in popularity:
"In an unrelated story, there is a great new nickname for the word penis ..."
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/22914136?GT1=10856

5. On some brides wanting bridesmaids to sign contracts promising not to put on weight or get pregnant before the big day:
"The future husbands of these brides have no chance ..."
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,23155203-2,00.html

6. On it costing the city of LA $25,000 to escort Britney Spears to her last hospital visit:
"Michael Jackson thinks Brittney has problems ..."
http://www.dailybreeze.com/ci_8140596

7. Costco Wholesale Corp. applying to sell its own brand of beer:
"This sounds about as appealing as the tacos that Burger King was trying to sell a few years ago ..."
http://the.honoluluadvertiser.com/article/2008/Feb/01/br/br7590342618.html

8. On three 13-year-old girls accused of throwing french fries during lunchtime at their school being cited for "hurling missiles;"
"I knew school food was bad, but I didn't realize HOW bad!"
http://www.boston.com/news/odd/articles/2008/02/01/wyo_cops_food_fight_fries_are_missiles/

Topical Chat, February 1, 2008

2008-01-31T19:29:00.001-05:00

Come on, Punxatawny Phil, please don’t see your shadow!!!!

1. On expert tips to pour the perfect beer:
“I guess step 1 would make sure that the beer’s name is Milwaukee’s Best?”
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/features/food/sfl-flpourbeerbrjan31,0,3255354.story

2. On a country and western fan who plagued neighbors by playing Dolly Parton songs around the clock:
“Can the electric chair be ruled out with this one?”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article748559.ece

3. On a panhandlers' rights group in Ottawa preparing a human rights complaint against the City of Ottawa after it put up a fence to stop them from sleeping in a downtown pedestrian underpass:
“I’m just wondering which dumpster this panhandler’s rights group is located …”
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/ottawa/story/2008/01/31/ot-homeless-080131.html

4. On Roman Catholic clergy in asking Irish worshippers to refrain from celebrating St. Patrick's Day on March 17 this year:
“Fine, we’ll celebrate it on the 16th and 18th, then …”
http://www.newsnet5.com/entertainment/15185935/detail.html

5. On a woman who received $2,000 bill from Time Warner for "the loss of five cable boxes, five remotes and a modem” – she lost them because a tornado blew her house away:
“I just can’t figure out why the cable companies get such a bad rap …”
http://www.kenoshanews.com/article_comments/view_comments.php?articleNum=2461489

6. On an 11-year bet between four Calgary UPS workers to see who could survive the longest wearing shorts on the job:
“I guess these guys aren’t hockey fans?”
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2008/01/30/4802012-sun.html

7. On Brittney Spears being admitted to the UCLA Medical Center:
“The weekly rags continue to be thrilled by this ‘newsworthy’ situation …”
http://www.tmz.com/2008/01/31/britney-went-willingly/

Topical Chat, January 30, 2008

2008-01-29T18:41:00.000-05:00

Geez, with all the NFL coverage on TV and in print, one would think that the Super Bowl is taking place this weekend … oh, and T.O., I'm still waiting to eat my pop corn ...

1. On a Carnival float (in Rio) with a pile of model dead bodies commemorating the Holocaust:
“I’m just wondering how the Carnival float commemorating Anna Nicole would look …”
http://www.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUSN2955554720080129?feedType=RSS&6=7&feedName=worldNews&sp=true&rpc=92

2. On the San Antonio Hispanic Chamber of Commerce setting the World's Largest Tequila Toast, with 1,375 shots:
“The Compton Chamber of Commerce set a different “shot” world record …”
http://www.mysanantonio.com/news/metro/stories/MYSA012908.02B.Around_Town.2a01cfc.html

3. On New Australian research showing that eating junk food appears to lower stress levels:
“… and please, super-size it!”
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2008/01/29/2148885.htm

4. On a man dressed up as a giant condom costume giving out smaller condoms to beach goers:
“Sadly, this guy didn’t need to wear anything under the condom …”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=86252&in_page_id=2

5. On a brawl among 80 people Saturday night at a Chuck E Cheese restaurant:
“Damn, that must’ve been some pizza …”http://blog.mlive.com/flintjournal/newsnow/2008/01/brawl_breaks_out_at_chuck_e_ch_1.html

6. On a Manhattan judge throwing out $1 million suit against New York University by a former student who claimed he broke his hip at a Jell-o wrestling dorm party:
“Apparently, the guy mixed his Jell-o mix with cement instead of water …”
http://www.wnbc.com/news/15161589/detail.html?dl=headlineclick

7. On an airline in Germany that is launching special nude flights this year:
“Unfortunately, all of the airline attendants will be drunk New York Giants fans …”
http://www.smh.com.au/news/news/nude-flights-to-take-off/2008/01/29/1201369085633.html\

8. On some scientists hoping that the cure for criminal behavior in youths is more fish oil in their diet:
“Ummm … did they get their degree from Miami or Nebraska?”http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7213499.stm

Topical Chat, January 28, 2008

2008-01-27T17:05:00.000-05:00

Everybody knows about Valentine’s Day, but have you heard of Steak and a B.J. day? Basically, it’s the male version of Valentine’s Day … and I suggest all you females step in line!

1. On the possibility of the five-block radius surrounding the Empire State Building becoming a sort of Bermuda Triangle for cars - apparently, a number of cars have to be towed from that area every day:
“Perhaps, New York is using the Philadelphia Parking Authority to do their dirty work?”
http://gothamist.com/2008/01/27/urban_legend_in_1.php

2. On a Brazilian model having nylon wires implanted in her eyes to give them an oriental slant:
“Derek Zoolander was unavailable for comment …”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,325859,00.html

3. On a man who calls himself a tantric master breaking his own world record by standing engulfed in ice for 72 minutes:
“Sounds like a Batman villain, if you ask me …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080127/ap_on_fe_st/odd_tantric_ice_man

4. On drug counselors being called to a Sydney primary school because a year 5 boy was daring students to lick ground-up chalk off his palm:
“I had no idea they made chalk out of cocaine in Australia …”http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/playground-drug-scenes-raise-alarm/2008/01/26/1201157739764.html

5. On a pastor who is planning to put teams of chaplains in local bars in a central Pennsylvania town so they can lend a sympathetic ear to patrons who may need one:
“Give me 3 Hell Mary’s, and two bloody Mary’s …”
http://cbs13.com/watercooler/Pennsylvania.chaplain.Chuck.2.638662.html

6. On A man who accidentally shot and killed himself at a West Dallas party early Saturday after showing off his pistol to friends:
“I guess that hoping this was T.O. would be a little tasteless … right?”
http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/dn/latestnews/stories/012708dnmetshooting.5e697592.html

7. On a man who counts every sheet of toilet paper he uses and discovered Angel Soft only delivers an average of 156.75 sheets of the 198 promised:
“This guy probably doesn’t have a girlfriend …”
http://www.denverpost.com/breakingnews/ci_8083336

8. On Lithuania thinking about changing its name in English to something easier to pronounce in plans to boost its image:
“How about the name ‘Freeboozerhookerton?’”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKL2578236020080125?rpc=92

Topical Chat, January 25, 2008

2008-01-24T17:38:00.001-05:00

February around the corner, and Philly hasn’t seen significant snow fall yet … global warming, it’s fantastic!

1. On Vice President Dick Cheney prodding Congress on Wednesday to extend and broaden an expiring surveillance law:
“This is about as shocking as a Barry Bonds steroids needle …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080123/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_terrorist_surveillance

2. On a story that disappearing dirt is rivaling global warming as an environmental threat:
“Geez, just use OK, STAR, or the National Enquirer … there’s plenty of dirt in there …”
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/348200_dirt22.html?source=mypi

3. On Stephenville, Texas trying to become UFO landing site after sighting last week:
“It was later confirmed the alien sighting was actually only Michael Jackson …”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/01/23/stephenville.aliens.irpt/index.html

4. On six bug foggers detonating inside a house Monday, blasting the roof off and causing what officials called significant structural damage:
“Yeah, but they did get rid of the bugs …”
http://www.khou.com/news/local/stories/khou080122_ac_houseexplodes.48b2b6c3.html?npc

5. On a bill that is being put before the Vermont Legislature that would decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana:
“Looks like the Pizza Hut and Dominos franchises will be adding some new stores in the northeast!”
http://www.boston.com/news/local/vermont/articles/2008/01/21/in_montpelier_hearing_set_on_pot_decriminalization_bill/

6. On La Senza announcing a recall of its black baby-doll lingerie sets because they pose a safety hazard:
“Ummmmm … shouldn’t this increase sales?”
http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2008/01/22/lasenza-recall.html

7. On the Citrus Hall of Fame inducting 3 members:
“Let me guess – the orange, grapefruit, and tangerine?”
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orl-citrus2208jan22,0,312713.story

Topical Chat, January 23, 2008

2008-01-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

Heath Ledger apparently died today … I wonder who the other two famous people who will die are (don’t these always come in three’s?).

1. On a recipe for a bacon cheeseburger cake:
“No thanks, I’ll just stick with my Cookie Crisp cereal, thank you!”http://allrecipes.com/Recipe/Bacon-Cheeseburger-Cake/Detail.aspx

2. On a report that one in four people who contacted a debt helpline last year admitted that some of their financial problems were caused by spending money on sex:
“This number seems a little low … don’t we all end up paying for sex in the end?”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article713747.ece

3. On a suspicious package that turned out to be an empty cookie tin shutting down a busy downtown Orlando intersection for about 45 minutes:
“I’m concerned … were these cookies bacon cheeseburger cookies?”
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orange/orl-bk-package012208,0,7019370.story?coll=orl_tab01_layout

4. On a Harris Interactive-sponsored online poll indicating that about 65 percent of Americans have been called to jury duty, but only 68 percent of those have attended:
“Sounds like the other 32 percent of Americans having ‘Gaming Console-itis.”
http://www.earthtimes.org/articles/show/176638,jury-duty-many-called-not-all-respond.html

5. On an 11-year-old Girl Scout earning every single merit badge possible:
“Something tells me she is going to have a tough time getting a date for the prom …”
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/northfulton/stories/2008/01/21/girlscout_0120ns.html

6. On U.S. troops in Iraq caught on video encouraging children to smoke:
“Just how much money is J.P. Morgan giving to the war effort???”
http://rinf.com/alt-news/war-terrorism/video-us-troops-encourgae-kids-to-smoke/2263/

7. On a report that Alaska leads the nation in dog bites:
“Hey, I smell a new slogan here!”
http://rinf.com/alt-news/war-terrorism/video-us-troops-encourgae-kids-to-smoke/2263/

Topical Chat, January 21, 2008

2008-01-20T10:29:00.001-05:00

Happy Martin Luther King Day, everyone.

1. On a woman who is set to become the most prolific surrogate mother in Britain by carrying another couple’s baby for the eighth time:
“Yeah, but does the wife know?”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/health/article3216679.ece

2. On a woman and her boyfriend being put behind bars after allegedly giving alcohol to an 11 month old baby - police say the little boy's blood alcohol level was 0.118:
Hey mommy, the Teletubbies are boring … get me another beer!”
http://www.wishtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=7746748

3. Ford Canada pulling an ad from newspapers in Saskatchewan and Manitoba after concerns it may promote vehicle thefts – the ad reads "Drive it like you stole it:”
“Time for Ford to hire that Golf magazine editor …”
http://www.winnipegsun.com/News/Winnipeg/2008/01/19/4781607-sun.html

4. On a teenager who posed as a wealthy playboy and went on an extravagant spending spree at a nightclub being arrested after trying to skip out on his bill:
“Looks like McLovin strikes again!”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/WORLD/asiapcf/01/19/playboy.jpan.ap/index.html?eref=rss_topstories

5. On an 11-year-old being booked with armed robbery for stealing cheesy bread and hot wings from a delivery driver:
“Now, if we can just get those “Chicken McNuggets” rappers arrested …”
http://www.nola.com/news/index.ssf/2008/01/11yearold_booked_with_armed_ro.html

6. On a 71-year-old lady who was arrested and handcuffed because she was trying to attend a mass at a church she was banned from:
“Weird, when I was growing up, my parents had to drag me to church … all I had to do was say I didn’t like the pastor????”
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120061470848399079.html?mod=hpp_us_inside_today

7. On the Kansas City Missouri mayor looking for creative ideas on ways to recruit more minority cops – his suggestion is to let people with a criminal record be a police officer:
“That way, they’d also save money, because those guys and gals probably already have their own guns …”
http://www.myfoxkc.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=5527343&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.2.17.

Topical Chat, January 18, 2008

2008-01-17T17:31:00.000-05:00

I saw some robins today … I thought they flew south for the winter … global warming at work!

1. On a man who was arrested for murdering his long-term partner after police secretly taped him apparently confessing to his cats:
“Well, if that isn’t the cat’s meow …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/wales/south_west/7192525.stm

2. On a report that clowns are disliked by young hospital patients:
“But, aren’t hospitals disliked by young hospital patients?”
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,30100-1300836,00.html?f=rss

3. On the red light camera program putting an extra $10 million in Albuquerque's bank account - now the city needs to figure out what to do with the cash:
“I got one place where the government officials can shove it …”
http://kob.com/article/stories/S314797.shtml?cat=500

4. On a NYC man being arrested Tuesday for walking on a highway with a 14-foot python wrapped around his body:
“Hey, is that a python in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8U6PMBG1&show_article=1

5. On an astrological magazine ceasing publication because of unforeseen circumstances:
“Ummm …. Shouldn’t they have seen this coming?”
http://www.astrologicalmagazine.com/

6. On a man being found staggering down a Swansea pavement late at night covered from head to toe in flour and tomato ketchup:
“Was he being followed eagerly by Wile. E. Coyote?”
http://www.thisissouthwales.co.uk/displayNode.jsp?nodeId=161366&command=displayContent&sourceNode=232790&home=yes&more_nodeId1=161375&contentPK=19562810

7. On a PR Newswire employee being fired for using the title "LOONY-BIN-RALLY" on a press release about a march for mental illness:
“And for a second there, I thought the story was about the Spears family …”
http://gawker.com/5002297/pr-newswire-employee-slugs-release-loony+bin-rally-gets-fired

Topical Chat, January 16, 2008

2008-01-15T19:19:00.000-05:00

If the show 24 decided to run the 8-10 episodes it has in the can, will they rename the show 10?

1. On top box office service Ticketmaster saying on Tuesday that it would buy TicketsNow Inc, a Web site that resells tickets to concerts and sports events, in a bid for a stronger foothold in the secondary tickets market:
“Rumor has it that they will be buying out Parker Brothers, so they can rename Monopoly to Ticketmaster …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080115/media_nm/ticketsnow_ticketmaster_dc_1

2. On reports that supermodel Naomi Campbell is dating Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez:
“Derek Zoolander thinks this girl is dumb …”
http://www.hiphop-elements.com/article/read/4/14002/1/

3. On a leaflet extolling the elysian beauties of Thornham Walks - a 12-mile footpath network in Suffolk - having a picture of a young girl picking her nose:
“The title of the picture, ‘$25 Says She Eats It!’”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2008/01/13/npamphlet113.xml

4. On the FDA OK’ing meat and milk from most cloned animals:
“Just in case you want seconds …”
http://www.cnn.com/2008/HEALTH/01/15/fda.cloning/index.html?eref=rss_us/fark

5. On a survey finding that the average person tells 88,000 lies over their lifetime:
“Thank goodness for politicians …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=508245&in_page_id=1770

6. On the Smurfs - led by Papa Smurf and Smurfette - kicking off a year of 50th birthday celebrations Monday with Smurfberry cake and sasparilla juice:
“Smurfing 50 years? That’s really smurfing awesome!”
http://jam.canoe.ca/Television/2008/01/14/4772290-ap.html

7. On a study that revealed that people are more likely to like the wine if they think it’s expensive:
“As long as it comes in a milk jug or plastic bottle …”
http://www.startribune.com/business/13766496.html

Topical Chat, January 14, 2008

2008-01-13T10:08:00.000-05:00

(I wrote this thing on Sunday morning) – I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Let’s Go Giants!!!.

1. On Brittany Spears telling family and friends she intends to marry her paparazzo lover Adnan Ghalib in a Scientology marriage ceremony:
“Seriously, why not have the reception at Neverland Ranch?”
http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/31287/Scientologists-to-marry-Britney

2. On the Scottish police force being hailed as the best gay employer:
“Gives a whole new meaning to cuffing and frisking …”
http://news.scotsman.com/uk/Police-force-hailed-as-best.3652332.jp

3. On a pill that is being created to let hamburger-and-chips lovers eat their favorite fatty foods without putting on too much weight – plus, it could reduce the need to eat large amounts of vegetables with a meal, would be cheap to buy and could be on sale in Britain within a year:
“My God, first the pill that reverses liver damage, and then this? If I’m dreaming, please, don’t wake me!”
http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=507896&in_page_id=1774

4. On a Japanese elementary school teacher being in hot water for hitting all the children in her class after misbehavior from only a handful of students:
“Well, at the very least, she’s not in trouble for HITTING ON all of those children, like many U.S. teachers …”
http://mdn.mainichi.jp/national/news/20080112p2a00m0na016000c.html

5. On a woman who recently won a national scrapbooking contest, but having her title taken away because of a scandal regarding the use of photographs she had not taken herself:
“My God, we’re gonna have to push the Brittany stories aside, we got a real scorcher here!”
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-scrapper12jan12,0,2864452,full.story

6. On an 89-year-old man being killed by an exploding Christmas tree:
“Please don’t tell me the Christmas trees are declaring Jihad too …”
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=nw20080111192413938C919191

7. On a mom being arrested for putting her 7-year-old into oven as punishment for losing a cell phone:
“Thank goodness his report card grades were good …”
http://www.poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080112/NEWS01/80112002

Topical Chat, January 11, 2008

2008-01-10T19:33:00.000-05:00

60 degrees in January???? Wait ‘til February!

1. On a report that liquor wholesalers have been throwing money at state legislators in a largely successful effort to maintain their government-enforced monopolies on the distribution of alcoholic beverages:
“I’d boycott this, but I like to drink too much …”
http://www.reason.com/blog/show/124327.html

2. On a report that telephone companies have cut off FBI wiretaps used to eavesdrop on suspected criminals because of the bureau's repeated failures to pay phone bills on time:
“Why do I get the sense that these phone companies are going to be audited come tax time?”
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jgPRrAOa7_9-xd_LD8Ogt3ZXZ8JgD8U34BGG1

3. On a rumored sex tape that is said to show a shaven-headed Britney Spears performing sex acts on two women and a male companion:
“The good news is that her kids were there …”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article672589.ece

4. On the British government ruling out the possibility of allowing elephants to be kept as pets:
“No word on if they are still allowed to be spouses …”
http://politics.guardian.co.uk/homeaffairs/story/0,,2238479,00.html?gusrc=rss&feed=networkfront

5. On Cops following a trail of dog poop to find a drunk driver:
“Who knows what they would’ve found if they followed the bird poop …”
http://www.news-record.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080110/NRSTAFF/306956515

6. On a masturbate-a-thon coming to Copenhagen:
“Seriously, how can I possibly improve on this story???”http://newsinfo.inquirer.net/breakingnews/world/view/20080110-111467/Masturbate-a-Thon-coming-to-Copenhagen

7. On a student in Norway who posed as a 13-year-old boy turning out to be a 33-year-old woman on the run from police investigating a child abuse case in the Czech Republic:
“Even Inspector Clouseau thinks these cops are bad …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080110/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_norway_fugitive

8. On Indian car-maker Tata launching the Nano - the world´s cheapest car, costing around $2,500:
“Man, where do they get the gerbils that cheap?”
http://motortorque.askaprice.com/news/auto-0801/tata-launches-the-nano-the-worlds-cheapest-car.asp

Topical Chat, January 9, 2008

2008-01-08T19:23:00.000-05:00

Another day forward, and another step backward for major league baseball … I’m sure you’ll get it right someday … hopefully, you’ll still have enough fans who give a sh*t.

1. On a study that claims that if you have a birthmark, it means you received less oxygen in the womb:
“This big birthmark right under my ass means I probably should’ve called for “womb-service” when I was an embryo …”
http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/study_birthmark_means_you_received_less_oxygen_in_the_womb

2. On an academic delegation of Columbia University professors and deans of faculties planning to visit Tehran to officially apologize to Iranian President Mahmud Ahmadinejad for the insulting remarks Columbia University President Lee Bollinger directed at Ahmadinejad:
“Here’s to hoping that the tickets are one-way tickets …”
http://www.mehrnews.ir/en/NewsDetail.aspx?NewsID=618008

3. On Tennessee State Sen. Doug Jackson, D-Dickson, saying he will introduce a bill today to allow persons with handgun carry permits to carry their weapons into establishments that sell alcohol:
“This is exactly why you should never leave the great state of Tennessee, sir …”
http://www.chattanoogan.com/articles/article_119678.asp

4. On a school in Europe Catering that is taking the fingerprints of pupils at lunchtime to ensure they get the meals their parents want them to eat:
“Remember in grade school – once a month, the cafeteria had a menu item called ‘Chef’s special?’ What the hell was in this anyway?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/essex/7176671.stm

5. On a calf born with the Virginia Tech logo on its head:
“Sadly, this calf is already smarter than half of the football team …”
http://www.11alive.com/news/watercooler/article_weird.aspx?storyid=109159

6. On a Missouri councilman who is proposing a cussing ban in bars:
“Here’s to hoping this guy never, ever gets re-elected.”
http://www.ksdk.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=137966

7. On a man who is planning on living in Ikea for an entire week:
“Now, this is a guy who’s future is about as bright as the dark side of the moon …”
http://blog.nj.com/jerseyblogs/2008/01/mark_lives_in_ikea_video_blogg.html

Topical Chat, January 7, 2008

2008-01-06T17:57:00.000-05:00

The Caucuses have started in the United States … let the mudslinging begin!

1. On an 85-year-old man being the oldest person charged under Ontario's street-racing legislation:
“He then tried to call his wife with a banana …”
http://www.cbc.ca/canada/ottawa/story/2008/01/03/ont-racing-law.html

2. On emergency surgery being performed to save an Australian snake that swallowed four golf balls after mistaking them for chicken eggs:
“I don’t know why, but I immediately thought of Rodney Dangerfield saying, ‘I shoulda yelled two’ in Caddyshack …”
http://afp.google.com/article/ALeqM5iGHjFtKpd97tpWxnLBeYl-PujF6Q

3. On a Clemson University study suggesting that text messaging while driving could cause wrecks:
“No word on whether the moon is made out of cheese, though …”
http://www.greenvilleonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080102/NEWS01/80102027

4. On police and fire crews investigating a report of a dead body at a South Bend, Ind., cemetery instead discovering a dummy made from Halloween decorations:
“This brings up another great joke – did you hear about the small 10-person plane that crashed in a local cemetery? More than 400 people were reported dead …”
http://social.moldova.org/stiri/eng/84925/

5. On Wisconsin trying to come up with a new state brand or motto:
“How’s this: You’re entering Wisconsin … no, seriously!”
http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/W/WI_REBRANDING_WISCONSIN_WIOL-?SITE=WIMAD&SECTION=HOME

6. On Kevin Federline pledging his support for Jamie Lynn Spears:
“That should really get the public behind her …”
http://www.mtv.co.uk/channel/mtvuk/news/03012008/394114/jamie_lynn_baby_details?Zao

7. On Lindsay Lohan racking up a $736 bar tab in Italy on New Year’s Eve:
“I’m sure this won’t be followed by the obligatory 3-day rehab visit …”
http://www.ninjadude.com/index.php/lindsay-lohan-racks-up-736-bar-tab

8. On Brittany Spears having her third attorney (in her custody battle) quit, citing that there’s been a “breakdown” in communication with the pop princess that makes representing her “impossible:”
“So, wait - the attorney was able to establish meaningful communications with her in the first place????”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22478570/

Topical Chat, January 3, 2008

2008-01-02T18:34:00.000-05:00

First post of the new year! I hope you all successfully made it to 2008 with me!

1. On January 2nd being National Introvert Day:
“Introverts will celebrate by reading a book about parties …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/csm/20080102/cm_csm/ycameron

2. On a report that states that hospitals sometimes confuse "Do Not Resuscitate" wristbands and "Livestrong" bracelets:
“In an unrelated note, a local hospital put down a man with a bloody nose …”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071218122409.htm

3. On crude oil prices reaching $100 a barrel:
“Just can’t figure out why so many people have issues with the middle east …”
http://www.nbc30.com/money/14962150/detail.html

4. On a couple that has been banned for life from a shopping center and branded 'terrorists' - for taking photos of their grandchildren:
“Stand still for the camera baby Osama and Saddam … “
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=505649&in_page_id=1770&ito=newsnow

5. On a report that male belly dancing is making a comeback in Egypt:
“If only Chris Farley could’ve hung around a few years longer …”
http://www.bloomberg.com/apps/news?pid=20601109&sid=atLloMTgRlEg&refer=exclusive

6. On a report that the British are more addicted to burgers, chips and pizza than any other nation in the world:
“Yeah, but have you seen their other choices in food?”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=B0K2WNVVJR12HQFIQMGCFFWAVCBQUIV0?xml=/news/2008/01/02/nfast102.xml&Headline=Better

7. On churches taking advantage of technology and popular fads by including gymnasiums, coffee shops and book stores to bring in the multitudes:
“I’m guessing the holy brothels won’t be included …”
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080102/LOCAL/801020424/1196

8. On a woman who saved her home from burning down by smothering a kitchen fire with her underwear:
“Unfortunately, she will have to go to the local parachute store to purchase more underwear …”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article640101.ece

Topical Chat, December 31, 2007

2007-12-30T12:52:00.000-05:00

This will be my last post of 2007 – enjoy the New Year, everyone!

1. On some crazy laws that are still in the books, for instance - In Fairbanks, Alaska, it's illegal to serve liquor to a moose, but on Ohio it's legal to serve booze to a fish, but not if you get it drunk:
“That’s nothing – In New Jersey, it’s illegal to have a full set of teeth …”
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2007/dec/26/laws-against-reason/

2. On three Maryland dogs inheriting an $800,000 estate:
“Rover, Alpo is on line one …”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22431919/

3. On the Malaysian government decreeing that the word "Allah" can only be used by Muslims:
“This act will most certainly bring the religions of the world more closer together …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7163391.stm

4. On a New York City assemblywoman who is on a crusade to lower the volume in movie theaters:
“Good to see a politician with her finger on the pulse of reality …”
http://lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071229/NEWS01/712290347

5. On a man who told police a pterodactyl caused him to drive his car into a light pole:
“Whatever happened to the classics, like ‘the sun got in my eyes,’ or ‘the light pole jumped in front of my car last second?’”
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20071229/NEWS02/290431530

6. On Japanese prisoners disliking their unstylish pajamas, feeling their cells are too small and wanting better meals:
“At least they have no complaints about the back-door sex …”
http://www.stuff.co.nz/4339017a4560.html

7. On the Norwegian military promoting a penguin to Colonel in Chief of the Royal Norwegian Guard:
“Batman was unavailable for comment …”
http://nosheep.net/story/penguin-gets-promotion/

8. On Scotland’s government minister claiming that binge drinking during the festive season has become Scotland's "national sport:"
“I smell a sequel to Beerfest!”
http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/2007/12/29/boozing-is-scotland-s-national-sport-says-govt-minister-86908-20267781/

2007-12-27T09:32:00.001-05:00

Happy holidays all! Sorry it took me so long to post … the holiday season is surprisingly busy!

1. On Pakistan Opposition leader Benazir Bhutto dying after a suicide attack at a political rally:
“Pakistan may not bring Apple Vacation tours much business this year …”
http://news.sky.com/skynews/article/0,,70131-1298475,00.html

2. On a woman who stabbed an intake officer in the head with a pencil that had been loaned to her while she tried to arrange for bail:
“I’m guessing this cop will have to endure a lot of ‘That’s really using your head’ jokes for the next few weeks …”
http://www.wmtw.com/news/14926075/detail.html

3. On a family who bought a Disney channel CD that was supposed to have Hannah Montana playing on it - Instead they heard graphic gangster rap:
“Up the cup! Hannah Montana in da hizzy, y’all!”
http://cbs13.com/local/christmas.local.father.2.618344.html

4. On a lady who owns a 56-year-old toaster:
“Seriously, was it this slow of a news day?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=504603&in_page_id=1770

5. On customs officials in the Philippines seizing inflatable sex dolls meant to be used for an international campaign against animal cruelty (by PETA):
“If you keep harming those poor little animals, I’m gonna have my way with this plastic woman!”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22976863-23109,00.html

6. On a new drug that reverses severe liver damage:
“I’ll drink to that!”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2007/dec/27/medicalresearch.drugs?gusrc=rss&feed=11

7. On a 77-year-old man who spent part of Christmas Eve stuck upside down in the opening of his septic tank:
“Um, grandpa …. That’s not how Santa does it …”
http://www.azcentral.com/offbeat/articles/1226septic-tank1226-ON.html

8. On a report that up to 3/4 of all classical musicians may use performance enhancing drugs:
“I thought there was something fishy about that tuba player …”
http://www.latimes.com/news/science/la-sci-braindoping20dec20,0,5741092,full.story

Topical Chat, December 20, 2007

2007-12-20T17:07:00.000-05:00

Yesterday would’ve been my older brother’s 48th birthday – I haven’t forgotten, Al.

1. On Toyota announcing it will be developing a car for seniors:
“Hopefully, for our sake, it won’t turn on … but most likely, it will come with a limitless supply of Depends and a blinker that never shuts off …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071219/ap_on_hi_te/tech_bit_japan_cars_for_seniors

2. On a mom leaving a child in the mall to “teach him a lesson:”
“That’s right son, today’s lesson is I don’t really love you as much as you think I do …”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-childmall_19dec19,0,6941150.story

3/ On an advocate of cockfighting accusing animal control officials of animal cruelty after dozens of confiscated fighting cocks were confiscated and euthanized:
“Isn’t that like Roger Clemens accusing others of using steroids?”
http://kob.com/article/stories/S289613.shtml?cat=520

4. On Britney Spears' mother Lynne delaying the release of her forthcoming parenting book following the news daughter Jamie-Lynn, her 16-year-old daughter, is pregnant:
“Unless this book is about what NOT to do as a parent, it should never be released …”
http://www.starpulse.com/news/index.php/2007/12/19/lynne_spears_parenting_book_delayed_

5. On a new study that reveals why monkeys shout during sex:
“Apparently, months of research at the Paris Hilton household finally paid off …”
http://www.livescience.com/animals/071218-monkey-call.html

6. On preparation for the upcoming World Orgasm Day:
“I’m doing my share by working out my wrists and forearms in preparation …”
http://blogs.smh.com.au/lifestyle/asksam/archives/2007/12/world_orgasm_day.html

7. On animal activists' getting upset after an aquarium puts Santa hats on whales:
“Seriously, why couldn’t they put yamakas on those whales???”http://www.mailonsunday.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=503232&in_page_id=1811

Topical Chat, December 19, 2007

2007-12-18T20:59:00.000-05:00

Only a few more shopping days left until X-mas … are you ready???

1. On Val Kilmer reportedly signing on to star in a sequel to the 1985 comedy, 'Real Genius':
“Can a sequel to Top Secret be far behind?”
http://www.filmfodder.com/scifi/archives/2007/01/real_genius.shtml

2. On a new energy bill that would make incandescent light bulbs illegal:
“Sounds like another one of those government ‘bright ideas.’”
http://www.usatoday.com/money/industries/energy/environment/2007-12-16-light-bulbs_N.htm

3. On the nation's four biggest makers of microwave popcorn removing a flavoring chemical linked to a lung ailment, called Popcorn Lung, in popcorn plant workers from nearly all their products:
“Couldn’t they come up with a more ‘manly’ name for a disease than ‘Popcorn lung.’”
http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071218/BUSINESS/712180346/1003/RSS03

4. On neighbors in Florida complaining about a popular event at a Sarasota bar, called drag queen bingo:
“Nothing to get ones panties in a bunch over …”
http://www.myfoxtampabay.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=2FD8A7E59A59215D08E6D729F4A40C06?contentId=5243830&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

5. On Japan's top government spokesman saying that UFOs exist:
“That comment is ‘out of this world.’”
http://www.eitb24.com/new/en/B24_79744/life/REGULAR-PRESS-CONFERENCE-Japans-top-government-spokesman/

6. On a woman being jailed for coaxing her child to smoke and posting it on MySpace:
“When will Brittany Spears ever figure it out?”
http://www.wavy.com/Global/story.asp?S=7507825&nav=menu45_6

7. On the city of Amsterdam announcing plans Monday to clean up its infamous "red light" district:
“Yet one less reason to visit Amsterdam, now.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071217/od_nm/dutch_prostitution1_dc

Topical Chat, December 17, 2007

2007-12-16T11:37:00.000-05:00

The performance enhancing drugs scandal and baseball took another hit with the Mitchell report this past week … but seriously, was anybody surprised by the people named in the report?

1. On a first grade teacher coming to school drunk, vomiting, abandoning children on a field trip, and passing out on the school bus:
“At the very least, she didn’t sleep with any of them …”
http://www.keprtv.com/news/local/12522151.html

2. On a Christmas turkey stuffed with 12 different birds, that costs more than $1,000 and serves 125 people:
“Who was the ‘bird-brain’ that came up with this ‘fowl’ idea?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=502605&in_page_id=1770&ito=newsnow

3. On a man who dropped nearly 250 pounds in order to improve his bowling game:
“This story nearly ‘bowled me over.’”
http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orl-lbowler1507dec15,0,1874101.story

4. On a man who tried to steal a car in a parking lot near a donut shop:
“That’s about as smart as swimming in the ocean dressed in a meat suit.”
http://www.suburbanchicagonews.com/heraldnews/news/698345,4_1_JO15_DOUGHNUT_S1.article

5. On a judge who ruled that it's still OK in America to curse at your toilet when it overflows:
“And who says our first amendment rights are in danger???”
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/12/14/toilet_swearing_ruling/

6. On police in Amsterdam complaining over new rules banning them from smoking cannabis while off duty:
“However, apparently it’s still OK to do so while on duty.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=502375&in_page_id=1811

7. On a bill in Congress seeking to eliminate military slot machines overseas because a military man addicted to them committed suicide:
“That’s right … make it illegal because one person ruined the fun for everybody else …”
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/12/15/military.gambling/index.html

Topical Chat, December 14, 2007

2007-12-13T16:50:00.000-05:00

The Cure said it best, “Friday, I’m in Love!”

1. On a man who was taking his 12-year-old son on his first trip to a shooting range accidentally shooting and wounding the owner of the range:
“I guess he was showing his son what not to do on the range?”
http://www.nbc11.com/news/14823715/detail.html

2. On the House of Lords listening with interest to a call for thick slices of bread to be cut down to size:
“Good to see that the UK has solved global warming, terrorism, and the oil dependency issues, so they can tackle real problems …”
http://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/display.var.1874133.0.in_the_thick_of_it.php

3. On three final entries vying to replace “Old Folks at Home” as Florida's official state song:
“I hope one of them is, “You Must Be Old … You Have that Stale Smell Mixed With Moth Balls …”
http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=69590&s=f

4. On comedy actor Paul Reuben reprising his most famous character to make two new Pee-Wee Hermann movies:
“I heard one of the movies was called ‘Pee-Wee’s Trouser Snake…’”
http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/reuben%20to%20return%20as%20pee-wee%20herman_1053148

5. On Pamela Anderson being voted TV’s Sexiest Woman Ever by AOL users:
“Boy, Gilligan’s Island’s Ginger has really fallen on hard times …”
http://go.fark.com/cgi/fark/go.pl?i=3261837&l=http://ifmagazine.com/feature.asp%3Farticle%3D2512

6. On a major ice-storm hitting the nation’s midsection:
“More proof that the Cubs might actually win a World Series soon?”
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/weather/12/11/winter.storm.ap/index.html

7. On motorists who park at McDonalds being fined for outstaying their welcome in some of the burger chain's car parks:
“Others are being fined for not supersizing …”
http://www.channel4.com/news/articles/uk/mcfines+for+slow+eaters/1169247

8. On the fourth-ranked broadcaster NBC quietly reimbursing advertisers an average of $500,000 each for failing to reach guaranteed ratings levels:
“The good news is that they didn’t hire Katie Couric …”
http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&aq=t&ie=UTF-8&rls=RNWG,RNWG:2004-31,RNWG:en&q=CBS+Evening+News

Topical Chat, December 12, 2007

2007-12-11T19:08:00.000-05:00

My fantasy football team, after an 0-3 start, has somehow made it to the semifinals … wish me luck!

1. On two journalists wearing “Al Qaeda Airline” uniforms walking into a Romanian airport and placing fake bombs onboard planes:
“Looks like the Romanian tourist board will be working overtime in 2008 …”
http://www.tv3.co.nz/News/Story/tabid/209/articleID/41154/cat/41/Default.aspx

2. On ESPN apologizing for an Internet poll asking if fans want to see Kevin Garnett blow out his knee:
“Other polls that ESPN is not apologizing for include whether fans want to see Barry Bonds’ head fall off, and whether fans want T.O.’s face punctured by a freight train …”
http://sportsbybrooks.com/espn-poll-asks-if-kevin-garnett-blows-out-his-knee-14967.php

3. On an Expert saying that breathing pollution in Utah is like smoking five cigarettes a day:
“Sadly, still nowhere near Los Angeles’ carton a day pollution …”
http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_7681061

4. On the widow of a professional skier from Bulgaria who drowned while kite-surfing off Long Beach West two years ago filing a negligence lawsuit against the town in U.S. District Court in Bridgeport - for negligence, carelessness and failure to have lifeguards on duty in the middle of winter:
“Another reason why people who bring in ridiculous lawsuits should be thrown in jail …”
http://www.connpost.com//ci_7662293

5. On a retail store near Baltimore not being responsible for a goose attack:
“This reminds me of probably the only good line to come out of Caddyshack 2, ‘Hey, have you ever putted with a wedgie?’”
http://wjz.com/local/goose.canada.lawsuit.2.607395.html

6. On former NFL QB Michael Vick getting 23 months in jail for his part in dog-fighting:
“Fortunately for the Falcons, he won’t be suiting up for them for at least 2 years …”
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=3148549

7. On a man who has had to change the ringtone on his cell phone five times and will probably soon have to change it a sixth time because his blue-fronted Amazon parrot has learned to mimic them:
“That sounds awfully ‘bird-brained’ to me …”
http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=67052

8. On Jack Nicholson claiming he could’ve fathered as many as 9,000 kids:
“Sadly, his request for 9,000 season tickets for the Lakers has been denied …”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/showbiz/bizarre/article563379.ece

Topical Chat, December 10, 2007

2007-12-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

First significant snow fall of the season in Philly (by significant, I mean 1-2 inches – which is not significant for most of the Northern United States …).

1. On a study that male Amazon river dolphins carry weeds to win over the opposite sex:
“If I brought home weeds to try and impress my wife, I’d probably need emergency surgery …” http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,22879016-5005962,00.html

2. On a man who was sentenced to more than four years in prison for bilking friends and family out of more than $800,000 by convincing them that his wife was a government agent who could arrange to have their medical problems diagnosed by satellite imaging:
“Where these people all residents of Elwyn?”
http://www.journalgazette.net/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071205/APN/712050642&template=apart

3. On an 8-month old Chinese baby weighing more than 40 pounds:
“Mom must have double-d’s … 8 of them .”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=499925&in_page_id=1811&ito=newsnow

4. On a school being evacuated when it received a package addressed to Iraq – it was discovered that they were letters to soldiers … and the package was sent by the school and returned:
“Ladies and gentlemen … Principal Corky!”
http://www.woodtv.com/Global/story.asp?S=7454785

5. On a couple being asked to take down their American flag by the local Homeowner Association:
“They were also told to rename their Christmas tree as a ‘holiday tree.’”
http://www.tampabays10.com/news/local/article.aspx?storyid=69135

6. On a 7-year-old-girl jumping in front of an enraged gunman, who pumped six bullets into the child as she used her body as a shield to save her mother's life:
“I’m 35, and I probably would’ve stood there and filled my underwear …”
http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071205/METRO/712050396

7. On a report that a UFO landed in front of former U.S. President Eisenhower and other officials at Holloman AFB in 1955:
“Eisenhower was quoted as saying the experience was out of this world …”
http://www.agoracosmopolitan.com/home/Frontpage/2007/12/04/01986.html

Topical Chat, December 5, 2007

2007-12-04T19:59:00.001-05:00

Great … only Wednesday … it feels like this week may be the slowest week in the history of Earth.

1. On a retired assistant fire chief showing up for work naked:
“He ain’t gonna put out any fires with that hose …”
http://www.clumsycrooks.com/news/retired_assistant_fire_chief_shows_up_for_work_naked.htm

2. On a man who fled a traffic stop, went home, shaved his mustache and changed his clothes, and reported the truck he was driving as stolen:
“Why not go all the way and cut off your penis?”
http://www.davesdaily.com/out.php?id=35825&url=http%3A%2F%2Fapnews.myway.com%2Farticle%2F20071204%2FD8TAD4OG2.html

3. On an Italian court ordering Tweety bird, along with Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and his girlfriend Daisy, to testify in a counterfeiting case:
“This would be perfect for the next Muppet News Flash!”
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/WORLD/europe/12/04/cartoon.witnesses.ap/index.html

4. On a 65-year-old great-grandmother who is suing a Yonkers, N.Y., casino, alleging she was humiliated by being forced to submit to a strip search:
“OK, lady, you can now bend over, pick up your boobs, and put them back in your bra …”
http://archives.gophercentral.com/Bizarre_News_Grandma_Sues_Over_Strip_Search.html

5. On a $3,500 Gibson guitar that can tune itself:
“For $3,500, it better be a ‘three input’ guitar …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/5349457.html

6. On an accounting mix-up leading to the wrong woman being crowned Miss California:
“Al Gore is really interested in the results …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/5349689.html

7. On a man’s wedding band deflecting a bullet and saving his life:
“When reached for comment, the man replied, ‘finally, I found a good reason to be married …’”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/bizarre/5346047.html

Topical Chat, December 3, 2007

2007-12-02T10:18:00.001-05:00

Thanks to Missouri and West Virginia losing, we are likely to have another “traditional” college football National Championship game – the BCS committee and bowl “sponsors” can all take a deep breath and relax.

1. On a cat in Tennessee surviving 19 days with a peanut butter jar stuck on its head:
“The owner of the cat was wondering why the cat wasn’t eating as much in the last few weeks …”
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3941675

2. On the University of Hawaii offering a course on home-brewing:
“Unfortunately, it conflicts with the joint rolling class …”
http://www.hawaii.edu/cclp/classes/Classes/art/brewing.html’

3. On a man who owns every type of Super Soaker ever made:
“This guy’s gonna have to pay if he ever wants to get laid …”
http://gizmodo.com/gadgets/obsession/very-lonely-man-collects-every-super-soaker-ever-to-fill-empty-void-of-his-life-321787.php

4. On a judge ruling that a sperm donor is liable for child support:
“Proof positive that just about anybody can be a judge at this point …”
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/nationworld/2004046062_sperm01.html

5. On a man who fended off a rabid fox with a loaf of bread:
“At ‘yeast’ the guy was able to get away, or else he would’ve been ‘toast’ …”
http://poughkeepsiejournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071201/NEWS01/712010332/1006/NEWS

6. On a web site that seeks to reunite gloves and owners:
“Ya really gotta ‘hand’ it to them …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071201/ap_on_fe_st/odd_lost_gloves

7. On a city in Ohio that will try beet juice as highway ice-melter:
“Dwight Schrute is very pleased with this announcement …”
http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2007/11/30/WinterRoad.ART_ART_11-30-07_B1_0N8KKP5.html?sid=101

Topical Chat, November 30, 2007

2007-11-29T19:20:00.000-05:00

The Phillies showed off their new “day” home uniforms … another way to try and make more money … if they win the World Series, I’m all for it.

1. On a policeman who forced a pregnant woman to the ground and used a stun gun on her when she refused to answer the officer's questions and resisted being handcuffed:
“The kid’s nickname will now be ‘Flash.’”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8T7ELUG0&show_article=1?ic

2. On a woman who was injured while trying to clean her windshield in stopped traffic:
“This definitely didn’t happen in Philly, because we have bums at every corner ready to spit on your car and clean it off for a dollar … seriously.”
http://www.wftv.com/news/14727294/detail.html?rss=orlc&psp=news

3. On a 300-pound prostitute who robbed a man of $100 before pedaling away on a blue bicycle:
“I’m guessing if you’re a 300 pound prostitute you may have to start resorting to stealing in order to make ends meet …”
http://www.newswatch50.com/entertainment/weirdnews/story.aspx?content_id=3a8088ab-2044-4484-a1be-6ce6d7b2362a

4. On Rodney King being shot in San Bernardino:
“In unrelated news, Al Sharpton boarded a jet to San Bernardino today …”
http://www.pe.com/localnews/inland/stories/PE_News_Local_D_web-king.668757.html

5. On a report that Utah is the most depressed state in the country:
“The state of Arkansas would have an argument … if it could read.”
http://www.sltrib.com/news/ci_7587389

6. On the yellow taxi cab turning 100 years old today:
“Unfortunately, many of these cabs actually smell that old.”
http://multimedia.nydailynews.com/slide/2007/11/08/Cab/index.html

7. On O.J. Simpson firmly pleading "not guilty" Wednesday at his arraignment on charges of kidnapping and armed robbery of two sports memorabilia dealers:
“If the glove don’t fit …”
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/news/story?id=3131760

8. On a new reality TV show, called "Who wants to marry a U.S. citizen?":
“You know when there are too many reality shows when …”

Topical Chat, November 28, 2007

2007-11-27T17:32:00.001-05:00

Less than a month until Christmas …. Have you gotten your shopping done yet?

1. On hundreds of hospice providers across the country facing the catastrophic financial consequence of what would otherwise seem a positive development: their patients are living longer than expected:
“This looks like a job for Dr. Kevorkian!”
http://www.gainesvillesun.com/article/20071127/ZNYT01/711270339/1003/news04

2. On the death of the inventor of Gatorade:
“But will he be buried in one of those Gatorade coolers?”
http://www.gatorsports.com/article/20071127/BREAKING/71127016

3. On a Michigan woman who says her online activities helped her to shed 530 pounds:
“This reminded me of a joke I heard on the Office a few weeks ago – ‘Yo Mama’s so fat, she could eat the internet!’”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,313144,00.html

4. On a bill that has been introduced to the U.S. Congress that could make Puerto Rico the 51st state:
“Wait, I thought Iraq was the 51st state …”
http://www.wesh.com/news/14697953/detail.html

5. On Vice President Dick Cheney going back to his normal work schedule Tuesday, a day after doctors used an electrical current to correct an irregular heartbeat:
“Wait, doctor’s were able to detect a heart-beat???”http://edition.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/11/27/cheney/

6. On officials in northern Sweden giving the all-clear for the construction of the world's largest elk, or moose as the animal is known in North America - the 45-metre (148-foot) elk will double as a restaurant and concert hall that can seat up to 350 guests:
“The inhabitants of Pee Wee’s playhouse think this is kind of weird.”
http://www.thelocal.se/9219/20071126/

7. On Iceland overtaking Norway as the world's most desirable country to live in, according to an annual U.N. table:
“Iceland???”
http://www.alertnet.org/thenews/newsdesk/N26420967.htm

Topical Chat, November 26, 2007

2007-11-25T11:02:00.000-05:00

Only a few days after Thanksgiving, and already rabid Christmas shoppers have succeeded in taking me out of the Christmas spirit.

1. On the Department of Corrections saying it is extremely sorry a convicted killer ended up living next door to the daughter of the woman he stabbed to death:
“Sounds like this has the makings of a sitcom for ABC’s “TGIF.”
http://www.newstalkzb.co.nz/newsdetail1.asp?storyID=128080

2. On the day after Thanksgiving being by far the busiest day of the year for plumbers:
“Time to enjoy dinner a second time …”
http://www.stltoday.com/stltoday/news/stories.nsf/stlouiscitycounty/story/10263E889B853B1A8625739D0011BB9C?OpenDocument

3. On a man who was sentenced to 90 days in jail for “pleasuring” himself while sitting on the roof of cars, including a BMW on display at a Home and Garden Show:
“If Michael Jackson had his own team of super heroes, this guy would be a member.”
http://www.edmontonsun.com/News/Edmonton/2007/11/23/4680885.html

4. On a bear at a private zoo who bit a participant in a program for budding zookeepers and scratched a person who tried to help:
“Sounds like those participants “bear-ly” made it out alive!”
http://www.denverpost.com/nationworld/ci_7541785

5. On a man who was upset with his wife for not buying beer taking vengeance by shooting the family's two pet goats:
“Shouldn’t this have happened AFTER the beer was ‘ingested?’”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5779020

6. On Hulk Hogan’s wife filing for divorce:
“Watcha gonna do, when your wife takes half your money from you?”
http://www.tmz.com/2007/11/23/hulk-and-wife-headed-for-divorce-court/

7. On a sculptor who donated 700 Hawaiian shirts to a school:
“I had no idea Jimmy Buffet was a sculptor!”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21851134/

Topical Chat, November 22, 2007

2007-11-20T18:37:00.001-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving all – may you enjoy the turkey, and may the Cowboys find a way to lose!

1. On Mike Tyson getting one day in jail for cocaine possession and driving under the influence:
“I’m guessing with that one day in jail, the man will really learn his lessons … all of them.”
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/US/law/11/19/tyson.sentenced.ap/index.html

2. On a story about which fast-food burger being worth the fat and calories:
“You know, I’m surprised there hasn’t been a reality show dedicated to this yet.”
http://www.wgal.com/news/14607325/detail.html

3. CBS News writers, producers and editors voted to authorize their labor union to call a strike after working without a contract for two years:
“Somewhere, Dan Rather is laughing in his grave … oh wait, he’s not dead yet? Hmmph. You learn something new every day …”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/industryNews/idUKN1950928120071119?rpc=92

4. On a man being charged with hunting (and killing) a deer with his car:
“Umm … that’s probably going to cost him a ‘buck’ or two …. Some serious ‘doe.’”
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/article/10213

5. On Swedish women who have launched a campaign called Just Breasts which fights for their right to go topless on beaches and in swimming pools:
“You know, I’m not normally a guy who backs trivial causes, but …”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=76183&in_page_id=2

6. On the death of Mr. Whipple, the “Don’t Squeeze the Charmins” guy:
“And what a legacy he has left behind … get it?”
http://edition.cnn.com/2007/SHOWBIZ/TV/11/19/obit.wilson.ap/index.html?Charmin

7. On a 102-year-old woman posing nude for a calendar:
“Great, now I’m an ‘innie.’”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=N5REOUYK1H2HZQFIQMFCFFWAVCBQYIV0?xml=/news/2007/11/18/nude118.xml

8. On a boy who bit into a sausage and found a human tooth:
“Michael Jackson doesn’t like biters …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=494868&in_page_id=1770

Topical Chat, November 19, 2007

2007-11-18T17:46:00.001-05:00

Oh man, Thanksgiving week. I’m considering going out for Black Friday … yes, I’m insane.

1. On a man wearing nothing except what looked like a nun's habit on his head trying to lure young girls into his car:
“Maybe, he should’ve used a Justin Timberlake mask instead?”
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/11/18/BAFGTETR2.DTL

2. On the case of a man convicted of simulating sex with his bicycle sparking a debate about human rights and the privacy of an individual:
“Umm … you know you might have problems when even Michael Jackson thinks you’re weird.”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/scotland/glasgow_and_west/7098116.stm

3. On a leading children's author being told to drop a fire-breathing dragon shown in a new book - because the publishers feared they could be sued under health and safety regulations:
“Is it because the dragon was made of asbestos?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=494755&in_page_id=1770

4. On a new study that “suggests” that bars and nightclubs are linked to more drinking:
“I wouldn’t be more surprised if I woke up with my head stapled to the carpet …”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Health/2007/11/16/bars_nightclubs_linked_to_more_drinking/6959/

5. On a Boston University professor who allows students to drink beer in class:
“He draws the line at doing lines of blow, however … unless of course the student has enough to share with the rest of the class.”
http://www1.whdh.com/news/articles/local/BO67059/

6. On a retailer who is considering adding J-cup bra:
“Holy sprained tongue, Batman!”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2007/11/16/retailer_mulls_j-cup_bra/5440/

7. On a parking attendant who sprang into action when a man collapsed outside Altrincham General Hospital - by trying to slap a ticket on the victim's car:
“Some lawyers even think parking attendants are scumbags.”
http://www.thisischeshire.co.uk/display.var.1839846.0.collapsed_mans_car_targeted_by_meter_maid.php

8. On a car rally that was brought to standstill by 160 squealing pigs:
“It was later discovered that these pigs were just Southern Dale Earnhardt Junior fans.”
http://www.lep.co.uk/weird/160-pigs-spark-rally-chaos.3497066.jp

Topical Chat, November 16, 2007

2007-11-15T19:25:00.000-05:00

Gas prices at $3.00 a gallon and rising … these oil companies don’t see their impending doom coming, through their greed-colored glasses.

1. On atheists in Utah suing the state claiming that crosses honoring fallen Utah Highway Patrol officers are offensive:
“Man, I hope that Karma takes a giant growler on these Utah atheists … and soon!”
http://www.abc4.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=8028695a-aeec-492e-8040-2db67440acaf

2. On McDonald's Corp. laying the foundation to perk up its beverage and breakfast offerings with plans to add upscale coffee drinks, sweetened iced tea, smoothies, breakfast burritos and chicken biscuit sandwiches:
“I thought I’d never see the day in which a sentence included both McDonalds AND upscale …”
http://www.suntimes.com/business/648711,CST-FIN-mcd14.article

3. On a bill that may make it illegal to have a sofa on the front porch of your trailer if you live in Tennessee:
“Thankfully, you are still allowed to marry your sister …”
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071114/COUNTY07/711140445

4. On Santas across Sydney, Australia rebelling against attempts to ban their traditional greeting of "ho, ho, ho" in favor of "ha, ha, ha,” because “ho, ho, ho” may be offensive to women:
“It’s more important to figure out which women ‘ho, ho, ho’ is offensive to … a fox smells its own hole …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22761386-2,00.html

5. On a Winchester principal who bowed to some parents’ objections and scrubbed a seventh-grade field trip to “Miracle on 34th Street,” because the classic Christmas tale is too focused on Santa Claus and doesn’t tie into the school’s curriculum:
“I just love it when a few loud-mouth parents ruin it for everyone else ...”
http://news.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1044548

6. On Dutch police making their first arrest of an online thief -- a 17-year-old accused of stealing virtual furniture from rooms in the Habbo Hotel -- a popular teenager networking Web site:
“I’ve been in some Madden online football leagues … some of the owners would totally be for this …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071114/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_dutch_online_theft;_ylt=Av687yafeAqqcY2N.APcl_ms0NUE

7. On a cat who is baffling his owner by wandering off at night before expecting to be collected by car every morning at exactly the same time and place 1.5 miles away:
“So which one is the pet?”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/dorset/7092301.stm

8. On a Swiss welfare group is recruiting volunteers to have sex with disabled people:
“Ummmmm …. I’m guessing the church is probably not too happy about this … unless the handicapped include young boys.”
http://www.dailytimes.com.pk/default.asp?page=2007/11/14/story_14-11-2007_pg9_16

Topical Chat, November 14, 2007

2007-11-13T18:56:00.000-05:00

Woo-hoo! We have done enough grocery shopping to get a free turkey! Now, my wife will have two … hey-yo!

1. On the 50th “birthday of the concoction of french fries topped with gravy and salty cheese curds:
“This food probably looks the same going in as it does coming out …”
http://communities.canada.com/nationalpost/blogs/posted/archive/2007/11/12/poutine-quebec-s-signature-dish-turns-50.aspx

2. On a report that one-fifth of all U.S. children aren't allowed to go outside at all due to parents' fear of danger from pedophiles, traffic and crime:
“Geez, I remember as a child on weekends, leaving the house at 8:00 in the morning, coming home for lunch, and then going out again … those days are long gone …”
http://www.democratandchronicle.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071112/NEWS01/711120345/1002/NEWS

3. On Virginia accounting for 10% of America’s vanity license plates:
“You know it’s a slow newsday when …”
http://www.nysun.com/article/66300

4. On a lawyer for the man accused of raping a University of Cincinnati student saying the encounter could have been consensual because the woman has a history of sleepwalking:
“This guy would’ve been perfect in the OJ Simpson case …”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,310616,00.html

5. On the cable industry expecting to fight a possible effort by the Federal Communications Commission to impose new programming and access requirements on carriers:
“Maybe they can get the lawyer from the previous story …”
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119483049023089622.html?mod=googlenews_wsj

6. On German newspaper Bild claiming that a goal scored by Spanish origin player Mario Gómez in the Bundes-league yesterday was scored with his penis:
“Now there’s a guy who really knows how to use his … head.”
http://www.typicallyspanish.com/news/publish/article_13553.shtml

7. On a study that claims that one-third of women who meet someone online have sex on the first date:
“Gee, I wonder why online dating is so popular …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22743688-1702,00.html

8. On a 66-year-old man who shot himself in both his legs Saturday afternoon while trying to loosen a stubborn lug nut with a 12-gauge shotgun:
“The obvious question here is … how the hell has he made it to 66?”
http://kitsapsun.com/news/2007/nov/10/sk-man-hurts-himself-trying-to-loosen-lug-nut/

Topical Chat, November 12, 2007

2007-11-11T10:41:00.001-05:00

I went to the Penn State vs. Temple “Home Away from Home” game this weekend … it must’ve been nice for Temple, finally playing in front of a capacity crowd … even though 90% of the fans came to see Penn State …

1. On a ghost costume a child wore to school being mistaken by administration for KKK outfit:
“How close are we to banning Halloween altogether?”
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20071110/news_7m10costume.html

2. On a new vaccine against AIDS that has not only been shown not to work, but scientists have just revealed that those who received the vaccine are more susceptible to acquiring the HIV virus:
“I guess it wasn’t clearly stated to the scientists that we were looking for a vaccine to PREVENT AIDS, not encourage it …”
http://www.abc.net.au/worldtoday/content/2007/s2085317.htm

3. On a trainee monk who got hammered, went to a party, possibly spent the night with a nun, and woke up with a candle in his penis:
“It’s about enough to make a man make a vow of silence for the rest of his life …”
http://www.anorak.co.uk/strange-but-true/177498.html

4. On a donation made to women’s scholarships by Mike Hunt:
“Hopefully, others like Dickie Fitzwell and Pat McGroin will also be encouraged to donate …”
http://www.bgdailynews.com/articles/2007/10/18/sports/sports4.txt

5. On Spain's King Juan Carlos telling Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez on Saturday to "shut up" during closing speeches by leaders from the Latin world:
“Vince McMahon contacted both ‘participants’ about headlining the Survivor Series …”
http://www.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUSN1040309120071110?feedType=RSS&feedName=worldNews&rpc=92

6. On a man who loses a local election by a single vote, then finds out that his wife didn't even bother to vote:
“As the saying goes, behind a good man, you’ll find a …. Nevermind …”
http://www.pal-item.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071110/NEWS01/711100314/1008

7. On China's government suspending exports of toys covered with a toxic chemical that have been subject to recalls from Australia to the United States after sickening children:
“Good thing our government didn’t take steps into halting these exports … way to go, USA!”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071110/ap_on_re_as/china_toys_date_rape_drug

8. On feminists holding a bake sale on a college campus and charging white males more for the same goods:
“One can certainly gain a lot of credibility with such a bone-headed plan …”
http://media.www.thedailyaztec.com/media/storage/paper741/news/2007/11/07/City/Men-Pay.More-3083314.shtml

Topical Chat, November 7, 2007

2007-11-07T18:31:00.000-05:00

We’re supposed to get our first “wintry mix” this Friday night into Saturday … just in time for the Penn State football tailgate … sigh.

1. On police being called in to subdue an unruly third-grader:
“I wonder which version of “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” they played …”
http://www.thestarpress.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071106/NEWS06/71106015

2. On China building the world’s largest Ferris Wheel:
“No word on the lead count and salmonella that will be used to build this puppy …”
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/world/20071105-0348-china-greatwheel.html

3. On a man being arrested for drug possession after telling authorities that two masked gunmen had stolen 150 pounds of marijuana from his home:
“In an unrelated story, Marion Barry now has 150 more pounds of marijuana …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/5277115.html?facepalm

4. On a UK law which prohibits people from dying while in the Houses of Parliament:
“Punishment must be a life-sentence …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/7081038.stm

5. On a toy that won the Australian Toy of the Year award this year being recalled because it contains small beads that are filled a glue the body metabolizes into GHB - as in gamma-Hydroxybutyric acid, a party drug popular among ravers:
“Hmmph, no wonder it won the Toy of the Year award … was it being sold by Michael Jackson Inc.?
http://consumerist.com/consumer/someone-think-of-the-children/popular-australian-toy-filled-with-ghb-319277.php

6. On the "Gamerator," a full-size MAME (arcade) cabinet with a refrigerated interior that holds a pony keg that releases a stream of malty beer from a tap in front:
“This may be the greatest single idea since … well folks, I’m stumped …”
http://gadgets.boingboing.net/2007/11/05/gamerator-arcade-cab.html

7. On a teenager in Mascoutah, Ill who is serving two detentions for hugging a fellow classmate:
“Affection will NOT be tolerated … dammit!!!!!”
http://www.ksdk.com/news/news_article.aspx?storyid=133486

8. On a woman who leaned over a train station platform to puke getting hit by a train:
“This might be in the top 5 of places not to puke …”

Topical Chat, November 5, 2007

2007-11-05T11:45:00.000-05:00

First Monday in November … has everyone already shopped enough for their free turkey?

1. On an expert’s warning that mixing alcohol with energy drinks such as Red Bull is like 'mixing cocaine with heroin:'
“For some reason, Keith Richards is very interested in this story …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=491765&in_page_id=1774&ito=1490

2. On a wheelchair champion missing the New York Marathon because airline lost his wheelchair … again:
“Maybe it’s time to start thinking about taking the train ….”
javascript:dclk_hide_overlay()

3. On two men being treated for serious burns after falling into a fire - tt appeared one of the men was still holding the petrol container when another man "rugby-tackled" him backwards into the fire:
“They must’ve been mixing alcohol and Red Bull …”
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/section/1/story.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10474110

4. On a man who was arrested on Thursday after a bizarre series of events that included him crashing his car, getting shot by a homeowner, breaking a restaurant window and stripping to his underwear:
“Sounds like a good candidate to replace Bobby Bowden in Florida State …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071101/ap_on_fe_st/odd_arrested_in_underwear

5. On someone breaking into a private primate sanctuary in Missouri and abducting three macaque monkeys:
“In an unrelated story, Missouri has 3 more candidates for governor …”
http://www.nbcactionnews.com/news/local/story.aspx?content_id=81c31ba3-23d6-4fff-9995-5fc695171202&rss=764

6. On a 77-year-old who got carded during a beer purchase at a supermarket he’s been going to for 40 years:
“Looks like the far-right is once again winning the fight against alcohol …”

7. On a man who tackled a drunken teen for attempting to break into his house and then turned the teen over to police being arrested for assaulting the teen:
“Hopefully, Karma will end up taking a giant dump on this teen’s head at some point …”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article423400.ece

8. On a Connecticut company that is launching a new product – bottled water for dogs:
“This story is just too ‘dog-gone’ crazy for me …”
http://www.newbritainherald.com/site/news.cfm?newsid=18963890&BRD=1641&PAG=461&dept_id=594835&rfi=6

Topical Chat, November 1, 2007

2007-10-31T18:59:00.001-04:00

I’m not really that excited in Jerry Seinfeld’s new “Bee Movie,” and I’m starting to get sick of seeing him whore himself out on television over this movie.

1. On members of one Ku Klux Klan organization saying they will assemble to show their opposition to another Klan group:
“Great … taking a page out of Christianity …”
http://www.waff.com/Global/story.asp?S=7281616&nav=menu62_1_2

2. On a female model who killed three people while trying to commit suicide:
“Man, there’s gotta be a dumb blonde joke in there somewhere …”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/worldnews.html?in_article_id=490741&in_page_id=1811&ito=newsnow

3. On an assistant football coach being suspended from attending games or practices and under investigation by police for allegedly assaulting a 12-year-old player and threatening to kill the youth:
“Geez, I thought Billy Martin was a baseball guy … and dead.”
http://www.620wtmj.com/news/local/10890011.html

4. On a third grade girl writing a letter to Steve Jobs at Apple and getting a letter 3 months later from Apple's legal department telling her that the company does not accept unsolicited ideas:
“You know, even George Steinbrenner thinks that was uncalled for …”
http://www.newlaunches.com/archives/3rd_grader_sends_letter_to_steve_jobs_and_apple_in_return_slams_her.php

5. On the new pre-teen Halloween trend of dressing as whores:
“Actually, from what I’ve been reading, it must be Halloween every day …”http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/29/AR2007102902095.html

6. On a report by medical historians that Adolf Hitler was the victim of uncontrollable flatulence:
“This might be the straw that breaks the camel’s …. Wind?”
http://www.thesmartset.com/article/article10240701.aspx

7. On a man being arrested for having sex with the corpse of a 92-year-old woman:
“There comes a point when you need to draw the line … apparently, this guy has no writing utensil …”
http://www.1010wins.com/Man-in-N-J--Charged-with-Having-Sex-with-a-Corpse/1148227

8. On a report that squirrels are once again safe to eat in New Jersey:
“Wasn’t this state looking for a new slogan a few months ago?”
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/2007/10/30/2007-10-30_squirrels_safe_to_eat_again_in_new_jerse-1.html?ic

Topical Chat, October 30, 2007

2007-10-29T19:32:00.000-04:00

I hope everyone has a ghoulish Halloween!!!!

1. On the Texas State Library and Archives Commission declaring there are too many state reports … in a 668-page report:
“Before we jump to any conclusions about this report, I think we need to commission another report verifying the findings of this report … and maybe we should hold some meetings, as well …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/5254618.html

2. On a couple that ended up in jail, both facing drunken driving charges, after police first pulled over the husband, who was driving with his young son in the car, and then arrested the mother when she showed up to pick up the boy:
“Good thing they didn’t bring in the grandparents!”
http://blog.mlive.com/annarbornews/2007/10/husband_arrested_first_wife_so.html

3. On new monkey-catchers being hired by the Municipal Corporation of Delhi (MCD) to deal with the monkey menace in the city (India):
“But, who will run the government?”
http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/Assam_squads_to_catch_Delhi_monkeys_/articleshow/2498098.cms

4. On a youth soccer coach who went to the middle of a sports field in after a contentious match and pulled down his pants, exposing his buttocks to his opponents - a team of 14 and 15-year-old girls:
“Sadly, this guy is most likely somebody’s father …”
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/29/BA05T2GAG.DTL

5. On passengers on a German train mistaking a Halloween reveller dressed up as a gore-covered zombie for a murder victim and calling the police:
“You know you have a good Halloween costume when …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071029/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_germany_halloween;_ylt=AtQm3mtzPHmWHPfs_V7d2K.s0NUE

6. On a high school girl being suspended for having two unopened boxes of shotgun shells in her car at school, even though she had no firearm with her and is a Junior Olympic skeet-shooting champ:
“The Olympic committee is investigating whether to test her urine as well …”
http://www.azcentral.com/news/articles/1029shoot1029.html

7. On a guy who saved woman stuck in train doors from being crushed, ending up being fined 60 euros for delaying the train:
“That’ll teach him to try to be a hero at the expensive of people late for work!”
http://www.shortnews.com/start.cfm?id=65985

8. On a production error at a factory that led to Iowa school children getting rubber bracelets saying "BETTER DO DRUGS" for Red Ribbon Week:
“All that work that Nancy Reagan did … up in smoke … so to say …”
http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071029/NEWS/71029004/1001

Topical Chat, October 24, 2007

2007-10-23T21:40:00.000-04:00

So South Africa won the Rugby championships … I’m not even sure if the U.S. has a team.

1. On firefighters in the UK possibly being banned from using their ladders because it is deemed a health and safety risk:
“No word on whether or not they’ll be banned from actually fighting fires, for the same fears …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/beds/bucks/herts/7055362.stm

2. On a 106-year-old man and an 81-year-old woman being married in a city in southeastern China:
“The wedding registry included Viagra, colostomy bags, and denture-cream.”
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=nw20071020143120646C233047

3. On wild monkeys attacking a New Delhi deputy mayor who then fell to his death:
“People had warned him about changing his cabinet …”
http://www.ktre.com/Global/story.asp?S=7243323&nav=2FH5

4. On an undercover police officer who asked a doctor to prescribe marijuana for his dog:
“Apparently, this cop wanted to get rid of some Scooby-Snacks …”
http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/metro/20071021-9999-1m21potdoc.html

5. On a student being kicked out of school for bringing a butter knife to campus:
“I guess they were afraid he would slather somebody to death …”
http://www.abcnews4.com/news/stories/1007/465601.html

6. On a 21-year-old man being killed whilst playing the dangerous game of "surfing" atop a moving subway train, from which he was thrown to his death:
“I’m more surprised that this numb-nut actually lived to be 21 ...”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071016/ts_alt_afp/usaccident;_ylt=Aosd4WcZ5noxXz7t7A4LQKZH2ocA

7. On a survey that found that a meal at a fast food restaurant could expose children to "staggeringly" high levels of salt:
“The survey also revealed that there were indeed 24 hours in a day …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7050585.stm

Topical Chat, October 21, 2007

2007-10-21T13:50:00.000-04:00

If the Indians played the Rockies in the World Series, would it really have happened, if nobody watched it?

1. On a British fire brigade saying today that it is considering starting to charge people if it has to help move fat people:
“So, what happens if the fatsos can’t pay up?”
http://www.24dash.com/news/7/28809/index.htm

2. On Canada's Transportation Safety Board telling ferry crews to stop smoking so much pot on the job:
“Looks like they may not accept Tommy Chong’s application after all …”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/worldNews/idUKN1730280120071017?rpc=92

3. On an Archbishop in San Francisco apologizing for giving Communion to gays dressed as nuns:
“Funny how I didn’t bat an eyelash whilst reading this headline … only in San Francisco …”
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2007/10/17/MNS1SR1HF.DTL

4. On a Nobel Prize-winning geneticist claiming that black people aren't as smart as white people:
“On an unrelated note, guess who Don Imus is having as his first guest when he comes back to raido?”http://news.independent.co.uk/sci_tech/article3067222.ece?123

5. On an Islamic-themed comic book that debuts in select U.S. cities today:
“My personal favorite … Suicide Bomberman …”
http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/606241,CST-NWS-comics17.article

6. On a recent poll that found that 49 percent of New Jersey adults would like to move out of the state:
“I just want to know what the other 51% are smoking …”
http://wcbstv.com/local/people.leaving.jersey.2.375879.html

7. On an Australian ad campaign that is aiming to reduce road deaths by questioning the manhood of speeding drivers:
“So, what you’re trying to tell me is, the smaller the penis, the faster the driver? Yep, that’ll go over like a fart in a space-suit ..”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7045178.stm

8. On Stephen Colbert announcing his candidacy for president on "The Colbert Report" on Tuesday night:
“Based on our last few presidents, I say why not …”
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5hFzxF7XLwi7Il2DVEE6la0NVo--gD8SAOEEG1

Topical Chat, October 17, 2007

2007-10-16T17:57:00.001-04:00

Over $3 billion will be spent on political campaigns for president of the United States … money well spent???

1. On a recent study that found our parents and grandparents started having sex at the same age as we did:
“I think I just threw up a little in my mouth …”
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/servlet/story/LAC.20071015.SEX15/TPStory/National

2. On a woman who now has “wind phobia” after living through a hurricane:
“I’ll give her some free advice … don’t stand behind me …”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=70433&in_page_id=2&ito=newsnow

3. On a 55-year-old man from Western New York being struck and killed by a train yesterday after he decided to put a coin on the tracks to entertain his family:
“Money well spent …”
http://lohud.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071015/NEWS05/710150346

4. On an infant was hit in the hand by a Taser fired by a bounty hunter when the child's mother used the infant as a shield:
“That’s gonna be an awkward family story to tell around the fireplace a few years down the line, isn’t it?”
http://www.tulsaworld.com/news/article.aspx?articleID=071014_1_A14_hThem37577

5. On fake park rangers taking urine samples from young boys:
“In a slight coincidence, ‘Beat It’ was being played in one of the rangers cars …”
http://www.cbs46.com/news/14320874/detail.html

6. On Paris Hilton wanting to shed her party-girl image:
“Somebody better tell her that this will be far more difficult than shedding her underwear …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071015/ap_en_ot/people_paris_hilton;_ylt=AjMPMMiKpSkpsu5tD3uyFPCs0NUE

7. On a report that Lindsay Lohan spent nearly $7 million on hard partying last year:
“Keith Richards thinks she’s a lush …”
http://www.contactmusic.com/news.nsf/article/lohan%20blew%207%20million%20on%20wild%20lifestyle_1046570

8. On Tara Reid saying, "I think the reason I never ended up in as much trouble as Paris [Hilton] or Lindsay [Lohan] is that I'm not stupid:
“Wow, she really IS a great actress … she pulls the ‘stupid broad’ gimmick off about as well as I’ve ever seen …”
http://www.nypost.com/seven/10142007/gossip/pagesix/polite_partier.htm

Topical Chat, October 15, 2007

2007-10-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

I saw my first Christmas commercial yesterday … it’s not even Halloween yet!

1. On members of the Freedom From Religion Foundation, the nation's largest group of atheists and agnostics, gathering this weekend for nonprayer breakfasts and raffles for God-free currency at the group's 30th annual convention:
“They’ll probably also be engaging in non-God and non-Christ cursing contests …”
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2007/oct/14/na-atheists-agnostics-gather-to-share-their-nonbel/

2. On a city council candidate in Hialeah, Fla., having to defend himself after being criticized for referring to oral sex in one of his campaign slogans:
“All he said was, ‘If you think my campaign slogans really blow, wait until you see what I do after I’m elected!’”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2007/10/13/candidate_forced_to_defend_crude_slogan/4751/

3. On a weekly bus run in New Zealand that supplies the town with underpants:
“Unfortunately, they already have skid marks on them …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22569421-13762,00.html?pa

4. On a dangerous new price war that has broken out among the supermarkets in the U.K. – with some slashing the price of booze in half:
“Man … I hope this one spreads to the United States!”
http://www.morningadvertiser.co.uk/news_detail.aspx?articleid=51821&

5. On the mother of a two-year-old Wisconsin boy who shared a marijuana blunt with her child as friends laughed, filmed the child smoking, and asked, "Hey buddy, are you stoned?":
“This is the type of person who needs to be dropped into the middle of Afghanistan dressed in Yiddish clothing …”
http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2007/1011072pot1.html

6. On two juniors at Lutheran High School having their hands partially severed during a tug-of-war at a pep rally Friday:
“Oh, please don’t tell me that Tug-O-War is going to have the same fate as lawn darts in this country …”
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5721661,00.html

7. On a three-year-old girl getting ready for marriage in Afghanistan:
“Also, in a seemingly unrelated note, Michael Jackson has applied for citizenship in Afghanistan …”
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article336727.ece

Topical Chat, October 12, 2007

2007-10-11T19:51:00.000-04:00

As The Cure sang in one of their more unusual songs, “It’s Friday, I’m in Love.”

1. On a law passed this year that allows Arkansans of any age -- even infants -- to marry if their parents agree:
“I draw the line at allowing fetuses to marry … “
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,293636,00.html

2. On the International Organization for Standardization being told to make condoms in different sizes, because the one-size-fits-all model is "too big" for most men:
“Obviously, I had nothing to do with this … ahem!”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/worldlatest/story/0,,-6989370,00.html

3. On an elderly Turkish man being arrested in Austria on suspicion of shooting dead another Turk and cutting off his penis because he believed the victim was having an affair with his wife:
“Thankfully, he shot the guy dead BEFORE cutting off his ‘twig and berries.’”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20071011/od_nm/austria_penis_dc_1;_ylt=AhdDUoXLiXYeitWKIwZLTmYE1vAI

4. On some congressional aides being instructed to get immunized before going to Lowe's Motor Speedway in Concord and the racetrack in Talladega:
“NASCAR … it’s ‘fan’tastic!”
http://www.charlotte.com/109/v-print/story/314034.html

5. On a teenager who was airlifted to hospital and his father left with a broken nose after 100 teenagers gatecrashed a 16th birthday party when an invitation appeared on the website YouTube:
“A new entry from the ‘What’s The Worst That Could Possibly Happen,’ department.”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/12/nparty112.xml

6. On a group of engineering students at the University of Central Florida who have created a vehicle that is being called the car of the future because it can drive itself around town without remote assistance from humans:
“But, can it do your work in the office?”
http://www.local6.com/news/14318122/detail.html

7. On Gumball machines being suspected to be the next terrorist target:
“Even though this will give me something to ‘chew on,’ I think people are just ‘blowing’ things out of proportion … get it?”
http://www.amny.com/news/local/am-gumball1011,0,1914265.story?coll=amny_home_rail_headlines

8. On a man who was born in a toilet and now plans to live and die in one - a $US1.6 million ($1.8m) toilet-shaped house designed to promote his tireless campaign for cleaner loos worldwide:
“Just like that toilet, he’s really full of s**t.”
http://www.news.com.au/mercury/story/0,22884,22568349-5005940,00.html

Topical Chat, October 10, 2007

2007-10-09T19:40:00.000-04:00

Last warm day for a while here in Philly … here comes winter!

1. On US TV networks and studios planning for a strike by Hollywood writers next month which could cripple the television industry:
“Oh my God, please tell me that American Idol will be one of the victims …. PLEASE!!!!”
http://www.lep.co.uk/showbiz/Hollywood-strike-may-cripple-US.3362207.jp

2. On German police breaking into a darkened flat fearing they would find a dead body after neighbors complained of a nasty smell seeping out onto the staircase - But instead of a corpse, police found a tenant with badly smelling feet asleep in bed next to a pile of foul-smelling laundry:
“There comes a time in life when one needs to step back and take a deep brea … nevermind.”
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=56425&in_page_id=2

3. On Christina Aguilera being pregnant:
“Unfortunately, it may be easier to count the grains of sand on the planet than to figure out who the father is …”
http://breakingnews.iol.ie/entertainment/story.asp?j=233934512&p=z33935zy8

4. On announcer Suzyn Waldman crying on-air following the Yankees defeat:
“I’m really trying hard not to smile at this … Go Tribe!”
http://awfulannouncing.blogspot.com/2007/10/suzyn-waldman-cries-on-air-following.html

5. On a small intelligence company that had a secret back door into Al-Qeada’s communications network, giving the White House limited access to it on the condition they tell no one else – then three hours later, 30 intelligence agencies and 3 news networks had acessed the site, which caused the door to this to close:
“Wait, our government is inept? Now, you’re just pulling my leg!”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/08/AR2007100801817.html?hpid=topnews

6. On a Texas Brewery that makes "Oklahoma Suks" Beer:
“Just waiting for Sam Adams to release ‘Bronx Bombed’ Pale Ale …”
http://www.wlbz2.com/news/watercooler/article.aspx?storyid=71936

7. On a new report that finds that marital strife and other bad personal relationships can raise your risk for heart disease:
“So, when I say, ‘you’re killing me’ to my wife, I might not be lying?”
http://www.cbs46.com/health/14295135/detail.html

8. On a report that Imus is returning to the air waves on December 1st:
“A big blow to nappy headed ho’s everywhere!”
http://www.fmqb.com/Article.asp?id=490075

Topical Chat, October 8, 2007

2007-10-07T17:22:00.000-04:00

Well, as Phillies fans always say …. Wait’ll next year!

1. On a man who allegedly stabbed his roommate to death Saturday night during a drunken argument over smelly feet:
“They smell like rotting vegetables!” No, they smell like stale beer!” “Vegetables!” “Beer!” “AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

2. On a 10-year-old boy who led police on a 44 mile long chase at about 25 mph in a stolen school bus:
“Why do I have a vision of the Keystone Capers when I read this?”
http://apnews.myway.com//article/20071007/D8S4EE580.html

3. On a killing in Baltimore that broke the longest streak -- 7 days -- without a slaying since start of 2006:
“Philadelphia is mighty jealous right now …”
http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/local/baltimore_city/bal-md.ci.killings06oct06,0,6357358.story?coll=bal_tab01_layout

4. On some parents in Fort Bend County being outraged after their children said they witnessed a pair of eighth-graders engaged in a sex act, right in the middle of class:
“Man, sex-ed was so much more boring when I was a student … sigh.”
http://www.click2houston.com/news/14284329/detail.html

5. On a Bartlesville man who found that giving a police officer a “wet willie” after his arrest Thursday was not such a good idea:
“Good thing he didn’t try to give the guy a rusty trombone …”
http://www.examiner-enterprise.com/articles/2007/10/05/news/news203.txt

6. On employees Chet Eldridge and Danna Hornback tying the knot in the local Walmart’s Lawn and Garden section:
“Let me guess … the ceremony included cans of Schlitz and pork rinds, right?”
http://news.rgj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071006/NEWS18/71006008&oaso=news.rgj.com

7. On a minister who was found dead in his home with his hands and feet bound behind his back and dressed in two rubberized suits, an offical autopsy showed (no fould play was involved):
“The Lord works in mysterious ways …”
http://www.montgomeryadvertiser.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071006/NEWS/710060330/1001

8. On a replica of the Wright brothers' plane crashing Friday during a demonstration to mark the 102nd anniversary of the aviation pioneers' historic flight:
“Makes you feel really confident with modern day airplanes …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20071005/ap_on_re_us/wright_replica_crash

Topical Chat, October 3, 2007

2007-10-02T19:42:00.000-04:00

Happy 75th birthday, pop! I love ya!

1. On the erotic corn dog-eating contest at the Iowa State Fair possibly being banned:
“What other reason would one have to go to a fair in Iowa … let alone live there?”
http://desmoinesregister.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20071002/NEWS/71002030/1001/NEWS

2. On the University of Alabama offering a class on "The Gospel of Star Wars:"
“Shame nobody that goes there can read …”
http://media.www.cw.ua.edu/media/storage/paper959/news/2007/10/02/TheScene/Class.Uses.The.Force-3004758.shtml

3. Wal-Mart stores not matching their other store's prices or the prices on WalMart.com:
“Just another reason to hate Walmart …”
http://www.kjrh.com/content/news/problemsolvers/story.aspx?content_id=0ca5dbcf-7ff3-4d7b-8ead-344634f054dd

4. On an Iranian university yesterday inviting President Bush to travel to Iran and speak on campus about a range of issues, including the Holocaust, terrorism, human rights and U.S. foreign policy:
“Wouldn’t it be better to send the vice president to talk about foreign policy?”
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/10/01/AR2007100101462.html?nav=rss_world

5. On a man who painted his wedding proposal on a car and drove it in a demolition derby:
“Um … not so sure if this is a good sign for the wife-to-be …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070930/ap_on_fe_st/odd_demolition_derby_proposal;_ylt=AqDWnzmxAFD5mLECF6RE.ZjtiBIF

6. On Ford’s sales being down 39 percent from last year:
“It’s time Ford actually put some thought into their cars, as opposed to sticking wheels on boxes.”
http://www.usatoday.com/money/autos/2007-10-02-auto-sales-sept_N.htm

7. On the premier of ABC's "Cavemen" sit-com:
“Can a Chevy sitcom featuring John Cougar be far behind?”
http://www.aintitcool.com/node/34255

8. On British police now being required to run for help when threatened:
“They’ll be trained by the French, apparently.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=485072&in_page_id=1770

Topical Chat, October 1, 2007

2007-09-30T19:26:00.000-04:00

Oh my God, Phillies baseball in October?????? I like it!

1. On the Mets collapsing and the Phils taking advantage to win the N.L. East:
“So, when do the ‘Reverse the Curse’ shirts go on sale?”
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/scoreboard;_ylt=ArPZtbPaH0fa7DqxdtGi4eY5nYcB

2. On a seven-year-old who was made to strip naked by her teacher in a New Delhi school for not completing her homework:
“I had no idea Michael Jackson was a certified teacher …”
http://in.today.reuters.com/news/newsArticle.aspx?type=topNews&storyID=2007-09-30T142131Z_01_NOOTR_RTRMDNC_0_India-297852-1.xml&rpc=92

3. Animal rights activists who are campaigning to get Pan, a 26-year-old chimpanzee, legally declared a person and are vowing to take their challenge to Austria's Supreme Court after a lower court threw out their latest appeal:
“That’s why I love PETA so much – the stories that I read on them are so entertaining …”
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/2007/09/28/chimp_ani.html?category=animals&guid=20070928143000

4. On the first weekend of pumpkin flinging season ending abruptly when one of the operators of a catapault-like device was knocked out in a freak accident:
“You know, the term pumpkin flinging sounds more like some forbidden or dirty sexual activity … like the Blumkin or Dirty Sanchez.”
http://wjz.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_268092540.html

5. On a woman who managed to run over both of her legs in the drive-through lane at McDonald’s:
“This directly supports my rant about creating some sort of certification test in order for people to use the drive-throughs at fast-food restaurants:
http://www.phoenixvillenews.com/WebApp/appmanager/JRC/Daily?_nfpb=true&_pageLabel=pg_article&r21.pgpath=/PVN/News&r21.content=/PVN/News/ContentTab_Feature_715762

6. On a couple being charged nearly $200,000 for a 7-minute phone call:
“I thought 1-900 lines only charged $1.99 a minute … this must’ve been one helluva call!”
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=iol1191073710495P500

7. On a Houston-area middle school student being arrested Friday after allegedly bringing a handgun to school and pointing it at teachers and a maintenance worker:
“So, wait – this happened in Texas??? Shouldn’t she have become class president for this?”
http://www.thedenverchannel.com/news/14234428/detail.html

8. On a man who drowned as he tried to swim across the River Lune from one pub to another:
“This might be another good ‘Redneck Joke’ for Jeff Foxworthy …”
http://www.lep.co.uk/news/Man-drowned-swimming-to-the.3244449.jp

Topical Chat, September 28, 2007

2007-09-27T17:55:00.001-04:00

It looks to be a ghoulish end to the regular season in baseball – go Phils!!!

1. On Playboy offering Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson $1 million dollars to pose nude together:
“Unfortunately, the only difference between Pamela Anderson and a leather couch are the boobs … oh, and the hepatitis.”
http://theblemish.com/2007/09/playboy-wants-denise-richards-pamela-anderson/

2. On a report that men are now happier than women:
“Does this have any correlation to the rise in the divorce rate?”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/09/26/the_skinny/main3299143.shtml

3. On Columbia University's president, Lee Bollinger, who upset some of the Middle East faculty at Columbia University because of his harsh remarks to the dictator of Iran:
“Not to sound rude, but at this point, those faculty members should be ‘politely’ asked to leave the country.”
http://www.nysun.com/article/63513

4. On a study in rats suggesting that long-term, moderate consumption of alcohol improves recall of both visual and emotional stimuli:
“Looks like they must’ve done this study in New York …”
http://www.sciam.com/article.cfm?chanID=sa003&articleID=439863EB-E7F2-99DF-3FE0A7665EBFA7A3&ref=rss

5. On toys and children's necklaces made in China being recalled Wednesday, including five more items from the popular Thomas & Friends Wooden Railway product line, because they contain dangerous levels of lead:
“It might be time to reexamine the trade of children’s toys from China … just a thought …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070927/ap_on_bi_ge/toy_recall;_ylt=ArEHVjOtujID_9.HC16a2Ces0NUE

6. On President Bush commenting on the improvements in U.S. student test scores, saying: "As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured:"
“Heck … I sure is convinced!”
http://www.reuters.com/article/domesticNews/idUSN2623880720070926?rpc=92

7. On a 4-month-old boy being found in a darkened room at a day care center with a pacifier taped into his mouth:
“Unfortunately, they lost the keys to his cage …”
http://tennessean.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070926/NEWS01/70926069

8. On Toyota recalling more than 50,000 floor mats:
“My guess is they were made in China and contain too much lead.”
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070926/BUSINESS01/70926037/1014

Topical Chat, September 26, 2007

2007-09-25T20:31:00.001-04:00

So, that jackass Iranian president visited the United States this week … I wonder, did Hitler ever visit the States?

1. On a report that says the Twinkie shares ingredients with shampoo and rocket fuel:
“So, what you’re saying is that I could technically shower with a Twinkie, and then fill my gas tank with it?”
http://wcbstv.com/consumer/local_story_268155737.html

2. On Philadelphia Mayor John Street announcing an aggressive new city plan to go after tax scofflaws … of course, he was one of those “scofflaws,” owing nearly $5,000:
“Sometimes it amazes me that he was elected mayor on two occasions …”
http://www.philly.com/philly/hp/news_update/20070925_Look_who_didnt_pay_his_taxes.html

3. On Kiefer Sutherland being busted on suspicion of DUI in West Hollywood on Tuesday morning after failing a field sobriety test.:
“This would never happen to Jack Bauer …”
http://www.myfoxny.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=CAE6B26DF8B76792490A41D11EF2E08E?contentId=4453415&version=11&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1’

4. On a man who proposed to his girlfriend in NYC's beautiful and scenic Central Park .... and then got mugged:
“Ummm ….. hey, it’s good luck …”
http://apnews.myway.com//article/20070925/D8RS5QG80.html

5. On a Croatian motorbike rider who was knocked unconscious when lightning struck his penis during a roadside toilet break:
“Gives a whole new meaning to the phrase, ‘pissing lightning .’”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22478633-13762,00.html

6. On a girl who got a mysterious life-threatening disease from a tongue piercing:
“Yeah, it’s called Chronic Stupid.”
http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/local/6420AP_WA_Piercing_Ordeal.html

7. On a Muslim dentist who insisted that a young woman wear an Islamic headscarf before he would agree to treat her for a toothache:
“How’s about I kick you in the balls, instead?”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/article2525858.ece

8. On a man and woman who found out they weren't legally married because the minister didn't sign the correct line of the marriage license – now the man is suing his wife over the error:
“Sounds like these two won’t need marriage counseling after all …”
http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/14189375/detail.html

Topical Chat, September 24, 2007

2007-09-23T19:52:00.000-04:00

So much for those Big 10 and National title hopes – way to go Austin Scott.

1. On a man who was bitten after putting a snake in his mouth:
“Sounds like a perfect candidate for Congress …”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8ROOGT81&show_article=1

2. On a report that teens are drinking to get drunk:
“In an unrelated study, it seems that people sleep when they are tired …”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/09/23/nlabour223.xml

3. On Air New Zealand delving into the gay and lesbian market with a special themed flight that will feature drag queens, pink cocktails and a cabaret performed by the flight crew:
“Rumor has it that Elton John will be the pilot …”
http://www.themaineedge.com/content/5178/Airline_starts_gaythemed_flight/

4. On a 45-year-old Baltimore man being hit by a train and killed as he sat on a lawnchair on the tracks:
“Looks like the Orioles will be searching for a new manager …”
http://wbal.com/news/story.asp?articleid=63467

5. On a US based mobile phone retailer offering a prize for the first mobile phone call to be made from the moon:
“I wonder if you’ll be able to use your anytime minutes there …”
http://www.cellular-news.com/story/26207.php

6. On an article that claims Pope John Paul II was euthanized:
“It really is amazing how moderate the Catholic Church has become …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/20070921/wl_time/wasjohnpauliieuthanized

7. On a report that claims that the Southern drawl is spreading across the United States:
“Wait, first the Killer Bees, then Aids, now this???”
http://abcnews.go.com/US/CSM/story?id=3637113&page=1

8. On a report that claims Iraq occupation is costing taxpayers over $8,000 per second:
“And to think, I’m concerned over the rise in the price of orange juice and cereal …”http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/09/21/AR2007092102074.html

Topical Chat, September 21, 2007

2007-09-20T19:11:00.000-04:00

It’s time for Penn State to finally break the spell of the Big House – kick Michigan butt!!!!!

1. On Britney Spears fans planning to stage a nude protest rally in front of the Staples Center this Saturday:
“Both of them?”
http://www.pugbus.net/artman/publish/09207002_11_britneyrally.shtml

2. On an autistic boy who could not speak learning his first words with the help of his family's pet - a parrot:
“However, all he wants to do now is sh*t on newspapers.”
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=iol1190279887182A551

3. On a federal judge who ruled that two students in northern New Jersey can wear buttons featuring a picture of Hitler youth to protest a school uniform policy:
“After the hearing, Judge Hitler was unavailable for comment.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070920/ap_on_re_us/hitler_youth_buttons;_ylt=AgEHK5KP4.VHH2Bfoz_p801vzwcF

4. On Mayor Jerry Sanders abruptly reversing his public opposition to marriage for same-sex partners and revealing that his adult daughter is a lesbian:
“From the ‘It’s not o.k. unless it happens to me’ department.”
http://www.suntimes.com/news/nation/566630,092007mayor.article

5. On a leading medical journal drawing attention to a sometimes embarrassing condition that nearly half of all men will experience in their lifetimes -- enlarged breasts:
“I experienced looking at them and touching them on a number of occasions in the past …”
http://www.suntimes.com/lifestyles/health/566076,CST-NWS-breast20.article

6. On a mysterious, greasy goo of unknown origin seeping into garages and basements in San Francisco:
“More proof that you just can’t hide from politics …”
http://www.ktvu.com/news/14155458/detail.html?cnn=yes

7. On Jesse Jackson being quoted as saying Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama was "acting like he's white:"
“Interesting … I’m sure this will get swept under the rug, much like that comment Imus made … oh wait, nevermind …”
http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5i5SL_j8SjhfK1-lzyjy6wOI3uSFA

8. On Iran publicly testing two of its domestically manufactured new fighter jets Thursday:
“Their still having trouble getting the pigeons to lift the thing, though …”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2007/09/20/iran_tests_new_homemade_fighter_jets/3528/

Topical Chat, September 19, 2007

2007-09-18T19:26:00.000-04:00

So, I’m going to officially become a Godfather this Sunday … is it OK if I start using Marlon Brando’s voice to describe this?

1. On a man who is suing a local transportation commission because they don’t consider his Toyota Prius a limo:
“Some people should just never be allowed to see the light of day …”
http://www2.tbo.com/content/2007/sep/17/hillsborough-prius-isnt-limo/?news-breaking

2. On a national study that reveals that drivers waste nearly an entire work week each year sitting in traffic on the way to and from their jobs:
“However, the study did not report on how much time drivers waste while at work …”
http://abcnews.go.com/US/story?id=3618391&page=1

3. On a woman who gave birth to twins instead of a single baby after undergoing in-vitro fertilization suing her doctor for the cost of bringing up the second child:
“The doctor should sue this lady for being born …”
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/09/18/4505865-ap.html

4. On a woman who is suing for the right to take her Glock 9-mm pistol with her to work ... at a high school:
“Hey, if the kids can do it, why not the teachers?”
http://www.csmonitor.com/2007/0918/p01s01-uspo.html

5. On Focus on the Family, the Colorado Springs-based Christian media ministry, endorsing a recent study finding that it is possible, through religious mediation, to change one's sexual orientation:
“Of course, they also endorse the religious findings that the earth is only 12,000 years old, and that God put dinosaur bones on the Earth to screw with our minds …”
http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_6920041

6. On an actual newspaper headline that reads, “Uranus at its biggest and brightest this week:”
“My, you really have a big, smart ass, don’t you?”
http://www.recordonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070909/LIFE/709090314

7. On the Internet auction website eBay withdrawing an unusual second-hand sale item, the country of Belgium, which had attracted an offer of 10 million euros:
“Ebay was willing to throw in Lichtenstein to the winning bidder …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070917/tc_afp/belgiumpolitics_070917220743;_ylt=Av1OpvBic0Yf753WmEoQudGs0NUE

8. On the Goldman family wanting to own the sports memorabilia that O.J. Simpson is accused of committing armed robbery to recover for himself:
“Look, I’m in no way trying to defend O.J. – I think he’s a murderer. However, is it me, or is the Goldman family really starting to get annoying?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070918/ap_on_re_us/o_j__simpson_23;_ylt=AikMTKfyZxexTSllJC8UULIE1vAI

Topical Chat, September 17, 2007

2007-09-16T19:16:00.000-04:00

Topical Chat, September 17, 2007

Notre Dame is 0-3? Any chance they go the entire season without a win? That would be cool.

1. On a driver who lost control along a highway on-ramp because he was eating cereal whilst driving the vehicle - it ended up careening through a grass median and jumped into 100 kilometre-an-hour traffic, causing a three-vehicle crash:
“Snap … crackle ... smash!”
http://lfpress.ca/newsstand/News/Local/2007/09/16/4500085-sun.html

2. On a city judge who sentenced citizens who have been busted for being too loud to 1 hour of listening to unpopular or unusual music:
“Finally, an outlet for Yoko Ono!”
http://cbs4denver.com/local/local_story_258183427.html

3. On the Denton Independent School District removing an employee from her position because she smells like cigarette smoke:
“Yeah, but it covers the smell of the alcohol …”
http://www.myfoxdfw.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=4356583&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=TSTY&pageId=3.2.1

4. On a sick Canadian bakery worker being fined $1,000 for ignoring an order to stay at home until he recovered from symptoms of salmonella poisoning:
“Funny – I bet most companies would like to fine employees FOR staying home sick from work …”
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSN1339805620070914?rpc=92

5. On O.J. Simpson being arrested in connection with a Las Vegas robbery involving sports memorabilia:
“What’s this guy still doing alive?”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=entertainment&id=5660620

6. On inmates in a New Mexico prison having a "temper tantrum" when they were told they would only get one sausage at dinner:
“Of course, they’ll probably get more ‘sausage’ for dessert …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5657596

7. On a 17-year-old boy who accidentally shot himself in the leg while standing in line at a McDonald's restaurant in downtown Pittsburgh:
“More proof that fast food is not good for you!”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5655795

Topical Chat, September 14, 2007

2007-09-13T19:24:00.001-04:00

Man, midway through September already? We’ll be shoveling snow before ya know it!

1. On a woman who was arrested for "punishing" a 14-year-old neighbor boy for making noise playing basketball by stripping naked and sunning herself in front of him:
“Um … unless this woman had a penis, this probably wasn’t the best of punishments …”
http://www.fresnobee.com/384/story/136693.html

2. On the U.S. Postal Service presenting its new 41-cent stamp hailing jury duty:
“Can a stamp commemorating the death penalty be far behind?”
http://www.washingtontimes.com/article/20070913/METRO/109130059/1004/metro

3. On a man who was fed up with burglars deciding to booby trap his house with pipe bombs – and then getting blown up by one of them:
“Sadly, this man was NOT Michael Jackson …”
http://www.lsj.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070913/NEWS01/709130355

4. On the Minneapolis City Council holding public hearing to ban circus animals:
“Of course, this city is in the same state that elected Jesse Ventura as Governor.”
http://www.startribune.com/462/story/1419382.html

5. On a Common Council member criticizing the Albany Public Library for handing out water pistols as prizes for students who read four books this summer:
“I think we may have found the new chief of the Fun Police …”
http://timesunion.com/AspStories/story.asp?storyID=621602&category=ALBANY&BCCode=&newsdate=9/13/2007

6. On residents of the Margot's Pond community being told by their homeowners association to keep the grass green, despite record-setting drought conditions:
“One of the many reasons I will never live in a town house …”
http://www.newsobserver.com/news/story/695176.html

7. On a report that eating meat being partially responsible for global warming:
“Well, as long as masturbation is o.k. …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070913/od_uk_nm/oukoe_uk_climate_meat

8. On a 16-year-old boy who told detectives he killed his parents because he didn't want to disappoint them anymore:
“Maybe not the most recommended ways to stop disappointing your parents …”
http://www.local6.com/news/14097780/detail.html

Topical Chat, September 12, 2007

2007-09-11T19:57:00.003-04:00

Tough decision to make this week – who would I rather see at 0-3, Notre Dame or Michigan?

1. On the mayor of Amsterdam proposing a three-day wait for magic mushrooms :
“Wow, it must really be tough to be the mayor of Amsterdam, having to come up with decisions like this. What’s next, a recommended time for Marijuana leaves to dry?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070911/od_afp/netherlandsdrugslaws_070911180903;_ylt=Aqw4RBCWcKr6BgXMz_BabEqs0NUE

2. On thousands of Italians, who are fed up with corrupt politicians, attending a "F*ck-Off Day" rally for political reform:
“Geez, so many more curse-words that could’ve been used …”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKL0935439020070909?rpc=92

3. On an art teacher who was removed from the classroom for encouraging pupils not to eat meat vowing Monday not to return to Fox River Grove Middle School until it eliminates milk and all other animal products from the lunch menu:
“Man, even Michael Jackson thinks this guy is crazy.”
http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/chi-veganteacher_both1sep11,1,5478962.story?track=rss&ctrack=1&cset=true

4. On a couple who stopped off at a Travelodge, and ended up staying 22 years:
“Attention Mr. Foxworthy, I think I might have another one of those ‘you know you’re a redneck’ jokes for ya!”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=480999&in_page_id=1770

5. On several Utah schools deciding to let Sept. 11, 2007 pass without observing the sixth anniversary of the unprecedented terror attacks against the United States -- over fear of re-kindling the haunting memories for those who vaguely remember them, or introducing them to children who weren't born yet:
“And to think, I always was under the impression that one goes to school to learn … silly me.”
http://kutv.com/local/local_story_253163632.html

6. On a man who robbed a woman of her keys and cell phone, then took off her shoes and licked her toes:
“This guy seems like a ‘toe-riffic’ criminal … aw shucks, I couldn’t help that one … I’m such a heel!”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5651687

7. On a New Hampshire teenager saying that her yearbook has rejected her senior photograph because she was holding a red flower, and props aren't allowed:
“Sounds like a ‘thorny’ situation …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5651688

Topical Chat, September 10, 2007

2007-09-09T11:15:00.001-04:00

Ah, it’s always a good thing when Penn State pastes Notre Dame … sorry Domers!

1. On a story in a local newspaper, documenting how elusive love is to find on a farm:
“Of course, one probably might need to specify ‘love with another human.’”
http://www.daytondailynews.com/n/content/oh/story/news/local/2007/09/08/ddn090907singlefarmer.html?cxtype=rss&cxsvc=7&cxcat=16

2. On the World Gravy-Wrestling Championships:
“And, I’m often accused of having too much time on my hands???”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=480787&in_page_id=1770

3. On a Colorado woman who embraces beavers:
“This sounds like a story from Penthouse …”
http://www.denverpost.com/search/ci_6802233

4. On Australian police trying to lure women to join the force by promoting guns as fashion accessories:
“Crikey! Is that a pistol in your purse or are you just happy to see me, mate?”
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,22049,22385236-5001021,00.html

5. On a Fayetteville man who was charged Sunday with having sex with one of his boss’ dogs:
“This is not what is meant by ‘sleeping your way to the top …’”
http://www.fayobserver.com/article?id=271782

6. On an artificial-turf soccer field having to be elaborately disinfected after a high school girls' soccer team urinated on it to show contempt for their opponents:
“See, yet another reason not to like artificial turf … of course, the site of this must’ve been ‘pee-autiful!”
http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1029883&action=voted

7. On a mayor who sent pictures of a naked lady via email to a couple friends … but accidentally included a local media outlet in the recipient list:
“I had no idea Bill Clinton was still in politics …”
http://www.49abcnews.com/news/2007/sep/07/mayor_tonganoxie_apologizes_lewd_email/

8. On a fast food worker who was arrested for serving a salty hamburger to a police officer:
“Next, on ‘Cops: McDonals …’”
http://www.myfoxatlanta.com/myfox/pages/News/Detail?contentId=4296696&version=2&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=3.1.1

Topical Chat, September 7, 2007

2007-09-06T19:01:00.001-04:00

First full week in September just about over … get ready for the Christmas decorations!

1. 1. On a 20-year government effort to restore the population of an endangered native trout in Colorado making little progress because biologists have been stocking some of the waterways with the wrong fish:
“Hmmmph, and this was a government effort? I’m shocked!”
http://www.denverpost.com/ci_6807634

2. On a driver of a 2002 Suzuki motorcycle who led police on a high-speed chase through Floyd and Chattooga Counties saying on his way to get his motorcycle license:
“Something tells me that he’s not getting his license …”
http://news.mywebpal.com/partners/680/public/news835135.html

3. On a Chinese official who plagiarized his apology speech while on trial for corruption & copyright infringement:
“From the ‘Some People Never Learn’ department …”
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSPEK15436320070905?feedType=RSS&feedName=oddlyEnoughNews&sp=true&rpc=92

4. On doctors claiming that kids are growing up faster because of nutritious food and access to pornography:
“Now, is there a correlation between nutritious food and pornography?”
http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/2007-09/05/content_6080961.htm

5. On a man who told police that he called his wife evil, and she responded by hitting him over the head with a mug of ice cream, ripping the phone of the wall, and stabbing him in the arm:
“He probably should’ve thought twice about calling her evil when ‘Aunt Flo’ was in town …”
http://www.metrowestdailynews.com/news/x1784721759

6. On a Wheeler High School student being suspended for 10 days and charged with a felony for carrying a pocket knife onto the campus:
“Um … good thing he wasn’t carrying a pencil sharpener …”
http://www.ajc.com/metro/content/metro/cobb/stories/2007/09/04/knife_0905.html

7. On a Detroit man who attempted to steal electricity by hooking up jumper cables to a power line … and dying:
“From the ‘What Could Possibly Go Wrong With This Ingenious Plan’ department …”
http://www.freep.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070905/NEWS01/709050329/1001

8. On German security services foiling a plan by Islamist militants to carry out "massive bomb attacks" against U.S. installations in Germany and arrested three suspects:
“Now, why would you want to go and make the Germans mad … haven’t we learned anything from history?”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070905/ts_nm/security_germany_suspects_dc;_ylt=ArQCa5QGWfsDtT0Wj1440vms0NUE

Topical Chat, September 5, 2007

2007-09-04T18:30:00.000-04:00

Hope everyone was able to make it through the summer ok. Now, it’s time for some football!!!!

1. On a pedestrian who got hit by a police car whilst walking down the sidewalk suffering a broken foot, and then given $160 fine for 'denting' the vehicle:
“I think we just got a good premise for Police Academy 8!”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=479715&in_page_id=1770

2. On a man who cut off his own penis and threw it in a toilet because God told him to, ‘so he would stop sinning:’
“Is Val Kilmer doing a sequel to Real Genius?”
http://www.expatica.com/actual/article.asp?subchannel_id=81&story_id=43445

3. On several beaches along the Jersey Shore being closed during part of the busy holiday weekend because medical waste and other trash had washed ashore:
“And, how was this different to any other part of the summer in Jersey?”
http://590klbj.com/news/article.aspx?id=1216517

4. On a woman who invented little coffins for wedding rings after a divorce is finalized:
“A guy invented the Bunny Ranch…”
http://www.postchronicle.com/news/strange/article_212101501.shtml

5. On a Chicago cop who captured shooter by chasing him down on his Segway:
“Molasses thinks this shooter is slow …”
http://www.suntimes.com/news/metro/540160,CST-NWS-segway03.article

6. On new research that reveals that men are less discriminating than women when it comes to deciding who to kiss or have sex with:
“I wouldn’t have been more surprised if I woke up and found my head stapled to the carpet …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/6975794.stm

7. On a Worcester man who crashed twice within 30 minutes on Interstate 89 on Saturday:
“This is the point in which you might want to consider taking a different mode of transportation.”
http://www.boston.com/news/local/massachusetts/articles/2007/09/02/man_crashes_twice_on_interstate_89/?rss_id=Boston.com+--+Massachusetts+news

8. On wildlife agencies expressing concern that the number of hunters are falling:
“They are petitioning the government to put hunters on the endangered species list …”
http://customwire.ap.org/dynamic/stories/F/FEWER_HUNTERS?SITE=MABOC&SECTION=HOME&TEMPLATE=DEFAULT&CTIME=2007-09-02-16-53-37

Topical Chat, September 1, 2007

2007-09-01T19:12:00.001-04:00

Well, so much for summer time … sigh!

1. On the 5th ranked Michigan Wolverines losing to Division 1AA Appalachian State at home to start the football season:
“Hey, at least Lloyd Carr didn’t wait until the Ohio State game to let his fans down …”
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/recap?gameId=272440130

2. On a report from theantidrug.com that states that teens who use drugs are five times as likely to have sex:
“Um …. And this is supposed to scare kids off from drugs?”
http://www.theantidrug.com/drug_info/drug_info_truth_facts.asp

3. On the Houston Zoo getting persistent requests comes from physicians, or patients, who hope to borrow the zoo's elephant MRI or CT scanners to examine obese people:
“There’s gotta be a good ‘Yo mama’s so fat …’ joke in here, right?”
http://chron.com/disp/story.mpl/metropolitan/5100006.html

4. On a report that women who have their ovaries removed before menopause run a heightened risk of developing dementia or other mental problems later in life:
“Um … but aren’t all women crazy already?”
http://www.king5.com/health/stories/NW_082907HEB_ovary_dementia_SW.8131ebbf.html

5. On a U.S. Lexus car dealership refusing to sell a man a new car because he's Canadian:
“The Canadian later got a 5-minute penalty for fighting and a10-minute misconduct for unsportsmanlike behavior … eh.”
http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2007/08/31/consumer-calgarycar070831.html

6. On a survey that reveals that 10 percent of fourth-graders have already had a drink; and that number doubles by the sixth grade:
“Geez … when I was in 4th grade, I still watched the Dukes of Hazzard because of the car, and not because of Daisy Duke …”
http://www.wgal.com/news/14020617/detail.html

7. On a fundamentalist church pastor who had sex with two of his teenage daughters to educate them on how to be good wives:
“Even Michael Jackson thinks this story is weird …”
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/pastor-had-sex-with-daughters/2007/08/30/1188067266454.html

8. On a Chinese wife who cut off her husband's right hand because of his internet addiction:
“Thank goodness he wasn’t addicted to porn …”http://www.orange.co.uk/news/quirkies/19764.htm?linkfrom=!%20%20--%20%20linkfromvariable%20%20--%20%20&link=box_right_pos_4_1_link_1&article=newshubquirkylinks

Topical Chat, August 27, 2007

2007-08-27T16:52:00.001-04:00

Happy birthday to my “little” brother … who is, of course, taller than me.

1. On a liquor store that has linked booze and the smell of backyards in order to sell more suds, pumping the scent of freshly cut grass into its beer section to evoke customers' positive feelings about cracking open a cold one on a hot summer day:
“How ‘bout the smell of a smoky bar at 2:00 in the morning … would this work, too?”
http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/canada/story.html?id=115950af-3408-4e5d-92e9-9d7448d7a3a3

2. On the 'Right to Dry' Movement growing, with some states introducing legislation to override clothesline bans:
“Nikita Koloff will be happy to hear of this …”
http://abcnews.go.com/Technology/CSM/story?id=3523847&page=1

3. On Dunkin' Donuts trying to refresh its image by largely eliminating trans fat across its menu:
“Be on the lookout for thinner cops in the near future …”
http://www.ocregister.com/news/dunkin-trans-fat-1822528-doughnut-chain

4. On a popular brand of toothpaste imported from India containing dangerously high levels of harmful bacteria:
“The good news is that these bacteria kill cavities … the bad news is that they don’t stop there …”
http://www.thestar.com/News/article/249782

5. On the 28th annual Great American Duck Race being held in New Mexico:
“They’re all ‘quackers’ if ya ask me …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5607173

6. On a college student setting a record by hugging 765 people in less than an hour:
“This is something that probably isn’t possible in New York City …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5607169

7. On a report that wearing Flip-Flops too often can prove to have adverse long-term effects:
“Like having an obsession with ‘herb’ and Frisbee throwing?”
http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/SummerSizzle/story?id=3505928&page=1

Topical Chat, August 24, 2007

2007-08-23T17:41:00.000-04:00

Looks like hurricane season is well upon us … thankfully, I don’t live down south …

1. On sportsmen's groups and gun dealers in PA possibly going to court for an injunction to block state police from taking a background investigation system for gun buyers out of action from Sept. 2 to 6:
“Um, it’s 4 days of not being able to buy guns … what’s the big deal?”
http://www.pittsburghpostgazette.com/pg/07233/811020-100.stm

2. On a guy who got rejected while trying to propose to his girlfriend at a Major League Baseball game:
“The good news is that he hit rock bottom … only one way to go now …”
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/front/5070401.html

3. On men paying $5 for a topless carwash, only to find out the topless washers were male, not female:
“This has got to be more disappointing than Atlanta Falcons fans realizing that Joey Harrington is their starting quarterback …”
http://www.cbc.ca/cp/Oddities/070821/K08219AU.html

4. On Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak admitting that he was speeding in his Prius-hybrid – he got a ticket for going 104 MPH:
“In an unrelated story, a company that makes radar guns is issuing a massive recall …”
http://www.nbc11.com/technology/13941126/detail.html

5. On a man being rescued after missing at sea for hours – he was last seen jumping off a boat trying to rescue his beer bong:
“Sometimes, one needs to really take a look at his priorities in life …”
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/article/7642

6. On the wife of a police chief who was arrested for selling drugs at the club where she strips:
“Oh, the irony!!!!”
http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=1673389

7. On a Japanese arm-wrestling game being recalled after people break their arms trying to beat it:
“But, what about the Japanese arm-wrestling game … hey-yo!”
http://cnews.canoe.ca/CNEWS/WeirdNews/2007/08/21/4434916-ap.html

8. On a guy who spent 15 years, from 1983 to 1998, typing out all of the numbers from one to one million … in letters not numerals … simply because he “wanted something to do:”
“Baseball card collectors think this guy needs a life …”
http://www.thedaily.com.au/news/2007/aug/22/les-bizarre-record/

Topical Chat, August 22, 2007

2007-08-21T18:32:00.000-04:00

Wow – Michael Vick pleaded guilty to the whole dog-fighting scandal … I’d like to see people defend this (I’m sure it will happen – I just want to see the stance they take – should be creative).

1. On some top fitness experts being angry over a new reality TV show called Fat March, which they say has contestants doing too much walking too fast, putting them at a high risk for injuries:
“Shouldn’t there be people outraged that crap like this is actually on tv?”
http://www.usatoday.com/life/television/news/2007-08-19-fat-march_N.htm

2. On Japanese researchers developing head gear that uses infrared sensors and a microcomputer to let people operate music players by clenching their teeth:
“I’m still waiting for technology that will allow me to turn on lights in my house by farting.”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20070820/lf_afp/lifestylejapan

3. On a district government in Indonesia's West Java province dropping a controversial proposal to conduct virginity tests on female high school students:
“I’m curious on how this virginity test actually works?”
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=3&art_id=nw20070820093010328C292858

4. On the U.S. Department of Homeland Security saying that the nation's chicken houses could be added to the list of potential terrorism targets:
“For some reason, when I read this, I think of the line in Spaceballs – ‘What’s the matter Colonel Sanders … chicken?”
http://www.nbc4.com/news/13928165/detail.html?rss=dc&psp=news
5. On one hundred German women braving broken heels and sprained ankles in Saturday's second annual "Stiletto Run" 100-meter race in Berlin:
“These ladies are a bunch of ‘heels.’”
http://www.spiegel.de/international/zeitgeist/0,1518,500828,00.html

6. On coffee claimed to be made from seeds found in cat droppings becoming a delicacy in Indonesia:
“We replaced these patrons’ normal coffee with Folgers Cat Crystals …”
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/itn/20070820/twl-cat-dropping-coffee-is-hit-41f21e0_1.html

7. On three men who allegedly stole an elderly woman's wheelchair so they could get a free ride to their next drinking hole:
“Can’t let a lady in a wheel chair get in the way of a good time …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22271458-13762,00.html

8. On the nation's hip-hop community embracing Barack Obama, dubbing him "B-Rock:”
“Sadly, this may be the final straw in his election campaign.”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Entertainment/2007/08/19/hiphop_is_down_with_barack_obama/9735/

Topical Chat, August 20, 2007

2007-08-19T11:45:00.001-04:00

Go see Superbad – you won’t regret it!

1. On a report that children are using new pre-paid 'credit cards' to buy alcohol and pornography and gamble online:
“It looks like Michael Jackson’s plan is working …”
http://money.guardian.co.uk/news_/story/0,,2151915,00.html

2. On an Australian woman who was killed by a pet camel given to her as a 60th birthday present after the animal apparently tried to have sex with her:
“Just wondering how many ‘humping’ jokes can be made from this story …”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/08/19/world/main3181944.shtml

3. On a company called DMH Ingredients filing a federal lawsuit against Changzhou Kelong Chemical Co. Ltd., saying DMH found metal shavings in 11,200 kilos of aspartame artificial sweetener the Chinese company shipped in 2005:
“Ummmm … it may be a good time to stop shopping at Walmart at this point …”
http://cbs2chicago.com/topstories/local_story_230080400.html

4. On hundreds of people posing naked on Switzerland's shrinking Aletsch glacier on Saturday for U.S. photographer Spencer Tunick as part of a Greenpeace campaign to raise awareness of global warming:
“Inadvertently, they also began ‘raising’ awareness in pornography … if ya catch my drift.”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKL1858183620070818?rpc=92

5. On a fatal fight between two employees at a gun store:
“This would probably come near the top of the ‘places where something bad can happen if a fight broke out’ list.”
http://lubbockonline.com/stories/081807/loc_081807045.shtml

6. On the Eiffel Tower and the Mona Lisa being voted "most disappointing tourist attractions:”
“Is it a coincidence that both of these are located in France?”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml;jsessionid=DTYCSSOF5ZYNNQFIQMGCFFWAVCBQUIV0?xml=/news/2007/08/17/ntourists117.xml

7. On Virginia’s tourism agency eliminating images of people making heart symbols with their hands in its upcoming advertising campaign because the gesture is also used by a violent street gangs:
“Come to Virginia …. Don’t forget your guns …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5581362

8. On city officials yanking hundreds of thousands of cars off Beijing's streets Friday to test whether a partial car ban could clear health-threatening smog and ease gridlock during next year's Olympic Games:
“Next, they’ll test whether killing millions of people will reduce the smog …”
http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=bizarre&id=5578389

Topical Chat, August 15, 2007

2007-08-15T17:55:00.003-04:00

Hmmph … another wrestler has been found dead … maybe Barry Bonds can join the WWE?

1. On a teenage girl who was rushed to hospital after overdosing on coffee:
“She apparently mistook cocaine for sugar … or not.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/dietfitness.html?in_article_id=475021

2. On a newspaper columnist who got fired for writing that nobody reads the paper anymore:
“Um … enough said?”
http://news.com.com/8301-10784_3-9758842-7.html?part=rss&subj=news&tag=2547-1_3-0-20

3. On a report that nine-in-ten Americans continue to see voting as a duty, and most say they feel guilty when they do not get a chance to vote:
“That’s saying a lot, considering that less than 50% of Americans actually vote …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/pew/20070813/ts_pew/90feelanobligationtovote

4. On the sale of bullet proof back-packs:
“A sign that you might want to move to a different school district …”
http://www.citynews.ca/news/news_13653.aspx

5. On a well-built man being forced to take a drugs test in Stockholm recently after a police officer assumed that muscles like his could only have been developed with the help of illegal substances:
“I think we need this guy to run major league baseball …”
http://www.thelocal.se/8168/20070813/

6. On a man who is attempting to set a world record for the number of live Elvis Presley tribute performances achieved by one person in a single day:
“The phrase, ‘get a life,’ probably never got through to this guy …”
http://www.lep.co.uk/showbiz?articleid=3104658

7. On Karl Rove resigning at the end of the month:
“I guess he’s going back to his seat in hell, then?”
http://online.wsj.com/article/SB118698747711695773.html?mod=hpp_us_whats_news

8. On 10 sheriff’s deputies being stranded overnight in the wildness after they get lost and disoriented while seizing a large pot growing operation:
“In an unrelated note, a Twinkee truck went missing in the same area.”
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_081207ORN_stranded_deputies_SW.29182259.html

Topical Chat, August 13, 2007

2007-08-12T12:40:00.000-04:00

Happy unlucky Monday! Make sure not to walk under any ladders, cross the path of a black cat, or buy any dogs from Bad Newz Kennels.

1. On the death of talk show host, game show king and entertainment icon Merv Griffin:
“I think that Alex Trabek, Vanna White, and Pat Sajak should all chip in and throw him a nice burial/memorial.”
http://cbs13.com/topstories/topstories_story_223163105.html

2. On a megachurch canceling a memorial service for a Navy veteran 24 hours before it was to start because the deceased was gay:
“Funny, I always thought that churches were supposed to preach about tolerance, accepting of others who are different, and forgiveness … not hate, ignorance, and stupidity.”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/huff-wires/20070810/gay-funeral/

3. On a story that reports that burglars are now targeting local trailer parks in Yuma:
“Sounds like these burglars are really going for the big-time here … can ghettos be far behind?”
http://www.yumasun.com/onset?id=35809&template=article.html

4. On an alcoholic nine-year-old boy becoming Victoria's youngest prisoner:
“His last name wouldn’t happen to be Lohan, would it?”
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/authorities-detain-nineyearold/2007/08/12/1186857319716.html

5. On a father who posed for a publicity picture in a desperate attempt to find the daughter he has not seen for ten years unaware she was just a few yards behind him:
“Does this guy have a nine-year-old alcoholic son as well?”
http://www.int.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=29&art_id=iol1186837773690X000

6. On a 49-year-old man who bludgeoned his grandmother and great-aunt to death more than three decades ago leaving prison this week ready to settle down with his 88-year-old wife:
“I guess after spending 3-decades with nothing but men, you may be turned on by any female at this point … I’m guessing this probably won’t be made into a Disney movie, though.”
http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D8QUD1AG1&show_article=1&catnum=9

7. On a report that Beautiful people earn 12% more than ugly people:
“Then explain Drew Carey to me!”
http://news.independent.co.uk/sci_tech/article2856870.ece

8. On a homeowner being arrested after a burglar plunged from the balcony of his top-floor flat and later died in hospital:
“That’ll teach the homeowner to protect his possessions!”
http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23407593-details/Homeowner+arrested+after+burglar+falls+out+of+a+third+floor+window/article.do

Topical Chat, August 8, 2007

2007-08-07T18:44:00.001-04:00

I just saw some story about how much money these presidential candidates spend on their campaigns, and thought to myself, what a waste of money.

1. On a Delta flight being cancelled after a flight attendant showed up drunk, and made "terrorist threats:”
“This might be a sign that you should start updating your resume …”
http://www.wkyt.com/news/headlines/8926937.html

2. On the UK dog showing world receiving a massive financial blow today with news from the Kennel Club that Mars Petcare is going to end its 40 year Pedigree sponsorship of Group and General Championship Dog Shows at the end of the 2007 season:
“Word on the street is that Bad Newz Kennels may put in a sponsorship bid.”
http://www.ukpets.co.uk/ukp/index.php?section=Home&sub=News&method=fetch&item=1270

3. On the Army Corps of Engineers, which accidentally dumped sand filled with old military ordnance on Surf City's beach, now wanting the town to help pay to remove it:
“A sign that maybe military funding is starting to be stretched a little …”
http://apnews1.iwon.com/article/20070806/D8QR82J04.html

4. On a new study that reveals that women with cosmetic breast implants are at an increased risk for suicide:
“Who did this study, Hustler?”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,292214,00.html?=popbang

5. On Ford Motor Co. recalling 3.6 million passenger cars, trucks, sport utility vehicles and vans to address concerns about a cruise control switch that has led to previous recalls based on reports of fires:
“So, when did quality stop being job 1?”
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,292073,00.html?=lolercaust

6. On a man who says he was unjustly fired after spurning the advances of his boss - who bared her breasts to him repeatedly, tried to touch his genitals and offered to help him quit smoking by substituting "real" kisses for cigarettes:
“Man, this guy had it ‘hard.’”
http://www.nypost.com/seven/08062007/news/regionalnews/suit__boss_flashed_her_boobs_regionalnews_denise_buffa.htm

7. On sloppy Bangkok policemen being ordered to wear bright pink "Hello Kitty" armband:
“Still giggling on the ‘sloppy Bangkok’ line …”
http://uk.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUKBKK17542720070806?rpc=92

8. On the recent passage of a smoking ban throughout Britain creating a new problem for pub-goers, the stale and foul smells the smoke once covered up:
“Be careful what you wish for … you just might get it …”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Quirks/2007/08/05/british_pubs_in_need_of_aromatic_makeover/8398/

Topical Chat, August 6, 2007

2007-08-05T09:55:00.001-04:00

Construction on I-95 south … is there construction on this road every year in the Philly area?

1. On the Tibetan mastiff, a rare, ancient and now extravagantly expensive breed of dog, being sold in China for as much as $500,000:
“No word on whether or not Michael Vick is interested …”
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,22181570-13762,00.html

2. On allegations that the producers of the "Dateline" NBC program "To Catch a Predator" routinely bribed law-enforcement officials in exchange for their help in arranging the stings:
“Wait, so network television is sleazy??? Next thing you’ll tell me is that Barry Bonds uses steroids … or that Liberace was gay … geez!”
http://www.dailybulletin.com/news/ci_6543399

3. On the news that Afghanistan will produce another record poppy harvest this year, which cements its status as the world's near-sole supplier of the heroin source:
“I can see the Afghanistan vacation brochures already …”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070804/ap_on_go_ca_st_pe/us_afghanistan

4. On a new study that reports that sunshine helps in the fight against breast cancer:
“So, whip ‘em out, ladies ….”
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/health/article2195614.ece

5. On West Lake Worth residents along canals worrying about the rise in alligator sightings:
“You moved to the edge of the Everglades … what did you expect to see, Penguins?”
http://www.sun-sentinel.com/news/local/palmbeach/sfl-flpgators0804pnaug04,0,5654812.story

6. On a cache of weapons being found at a home in Brisbane's western suburbs after police were tipped off by a man attending a garage sale at the property:
“How much for that case of AK-47’s?”
http://www.news.com.au/mercury/story/0,22884,22189438-5005940,00.html

7. On a house full of marijuana plants catching fire:
“The first firefighters on the scene requested back-up … and asked if they could bring along some marshmallows, twinkies, and ho-hos.
http://www.news10.net/display_story.aspx?storyid=30905

Topical Chat, August 3, 2007

2007-08-02T18:32:00.001-04:00

Hopefully, you’re looking for the perfect Trapper Keeper deal for the start of school.

1. On a beer truck that flipped on I-95:
“There were more than enough volunteers to help with the cleanup.”
http://www.flatoday.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20070801/BREAKINGNEWS/70801041/1086

2. On Amtrak trying to drum up new business by offering $100 in free alcohol to customers on some overnight trains:
“Does this have anything to do with that beer truck that flipped?”
http://www.heraldonline.com/wire/nation/story/87738.html

3. On Elton John wanting the internet shut down for 5 years because it is “ruining music:”
“Of course, Elton’s last 15+ years of music has helped with this as well.”
http://www.hollywoodrag.com/index.php?/weblog/elton_john_wants_internet_shut_down/

4. On new research that suggests that cannabis is now more evil than the Nazis:
“Interesting … I never heard much about the cannabis concentration camps …”
http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/health/cannabis-now-worse-than-the-nazis-20070801315/

5. On Rolling Stone Keith Richards working on a memoir:
“Shame that the title ‘Up in Smoke,’ was already used in a Cheech and Chong movie…”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070801/ap_en_ot/books_keith_richards;_ylt=ArvvViqSOvcyFvIQx15ecGPqChkF

6. On a study that drinking three or more cups of coffee a day may cut the risk of colon cancer in women by half:
“Funny … the author’s last name is ‘Starbucks.’”
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20070801/hl_nm/coffee_cancer_japan_dc

7. On a mayor in Colorado who, for a while, was moonlighting as an employee in a strip club:
“This puts him right at the top of the Democratic ticket for president …”http://www.rockymountainnews.com/drmn/local/article/0,1299,DRMN_15_5653954,00.html

Topical Chat, August 1, 2007

2007-07-31T21:29:00.000-04:00

Last full month of summer … don’t blink.

1. On U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney Tuesday admitting he was wrong when he declared the Iraq insurgency virtually over in 2005:
“He better check himself into a hospital immediately … this is very much unlike him. Or, maybe he was kidnapped, much like the guy in Naked Gun 2 ½.”
http://www.upi.com/NewsTrack/Top_News/2007/07/31/cheney_i_was_wrong_about_insurgency/2492/

2. On 'Diff'rent Strokes' star Gary Coleman being cited for disorderly conduct in Utah County:
“You know, I really do think it’s time for Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis to get together for some kind of buddy movie, don’t you?”
http://www.sltrib.com/ci_6506890

3. On a Pensacola man who was critically injured after he fell out of a vehicle while trying to spit:
“I’m gonna take a wild guess, and predict he was wearing some sort of NASCAR shirt …”
http://www.nwfdailynews.com/article/7385

4. On research that shows that some McDonald's salads contain nearly a third more salt than a Big Mac burger and fries:
“No word on if they contain more rat poop as well …”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/07/31/nsalad131.xml

5. On Troubled star Britney Spears being officially single again after her divorce from Kevin Federline is finally complete:
“Who would’ve thought that Federline would’ve come out of this looking more stable?”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/showbiz/showbiznews.html?in_article_id=471974&in_page_id=1773

6. On environmentalists stunning fish in a Cumbrian river in an effort to monitor falling numbers:
“I hear they are using the Paris Hilton song …”
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/cumbria/6921871.stm